When Friendships Change: Trusting God Through Seasons of Relational Transition – Episode 382

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Episode Summary:

Photographs tell the story of time passed. People move in and out of the frame. Babies grow from child to adult. Moms and dad gain wrinkles and gray hair. Just as our physical selves change over time, so do relationships, including friendships.

Friendships are one of God’s sweetest gifts, but they can be one of life’s most painful areas of change. Some friendships deepen over time. Some drift and some end unexpectedly. Yet God, our forever friend, remains faithful through every changing season.

Quotables from the episode:

  • Friendships rarely end all at once. Most often, they change quietly, little by little, until one day we realize something is different. We may be closer or we may have drifted apart. Our lives may be richer because of the deepening friendship, or we may feel the pain of a lost companion. In honor of National Friendship Day, today we’re going talking about when friendships change and how to trust God through seasons of relational transition.
  • God’s word instructs us for daily living and relationship building. It also provides comfort and hope when relationships change.
  • The memories between two friends become a sacred space. Within that space we found safety and belonging. Safety to share our deepest hurts and find a companion who walks with us toward healing. Belonging because we discover we are not alone.
  • Losing closeness can feel like grief. We grieve a version of life we once enjoyed and found the comfort our hearts needed. We often expect friendships to remain unchanged forever, forgetting that life isn’t static. It’s dynamic. We mature, heal, and find hope. Friendships also change. Sometimes for the better, like gold refined in fire. Other times, they go through the fire and don’t make it out.
  • Other times change in friendship happens not so much because of pain, but because of distance. Geographically or spiritually or emotionally.
  • That’s right. Life is about growth. But why do we feel abandoned when seasons shift?
  • Deepest wounds we experience is not always dramatic betrayal, but the quiet ache of a friendship slowly drifting away. God created us for connection, so when a relationship changes, the brain often interprets that loss as danger rather than transition period neuroscience shows that relational disconnection activates many of the same pain centers in the brain as physical pain, which is why the end of a friendship season can feel surprisingly devastating.
  • We begin to question our worth, replay conversations, and wonder what we did wrong. But not every drifting relationship is evidence of rejection. Sometimes friendships were meant for a particular season, assignment, or stage of growth.
  • Also, we grow accustomed to their presence. It’s like a comforting cup of coffee or tea. We look forward to it every morning. We anticipate the warmth and we savor every sip. And then one day, we miss it. Then another and another. We feel bereft without it. Uncomfortable. Abandoned.
  • Scripture says, For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven, Eccl 3:1, ESV. I live in a portion of the country where I experience all four seasons in extreme. I have bitter cold to scorching heat. I have the mud season and the wind season. I look forward to the changing seasons, but, if I’m honest, I don’t like it when my friendships change. It hurts.
  • As Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time for every purpose under heaven, that includes relationships. What feels like abandonment may actually be God lovingly reshaping your circle, pruning unhealthy dependence, or making room for new connections that better align with where he is taking you. The loss may still hurt, but your value has never been determined by who stayed, who left, or who slowly faded away. God remains constant even when people do not.
  • Our hearts and lives get intertwined. Our roots tangle together and it hurts when there’s a separation. We wonder if our secrets are still safe. We question whether our hurts are still sacred to them or will they be paraded through the public square. Or if the change happens because of distance and not brokenness, we wonder if we can still maintain the closeness. Not all friendships are meant to look the same forever—and that doesn’t always mean something went wrong.

Part 2: DIFFERENT SEASONS OF FRIENDSHIP

  • Now we want to turn our attention to some different types of friendship transitions. For example, we have school years, ministry seasons, parenting stages, and workplace friendships. Some people walk with us for a specific chapter.
  • When my youngest daughter went to college, we learned about Band-Aid friendships. These are described as the friends we quickly gravitate to when we thrust into a new place, like college. These are the quickly made friendships formed out of a shared sense of trying to figure out where we belong in this new space. But as time passes and we grow more comfortable, we begin having different experiences and make different friends.
  • We can be grateful for our band-aid friends because we offered comfort for each other’s need for a sense of security and belonging in a mutual shared new space. But not all band-aid friends are meant to deepen. They were there for a specific chapter in our lives.
  • Another type of friendship transition is when the friendship deepens over time. This type of friendship gets built on honesty and grace. It’s sustained through intentionality and tested through hardship and grows as we grow. (Meeting Lori on internship and then growing that friendship for 30+ years since).
  • This rare type of friendship requires intentionality. It requires clearing the schedule for unhurried times of visiting and sharing our hidden hurts. It means holding space for one another, shedding tears, and praying for each other. It benefits from the question, “Hey, wanna run errands with me?” Yes, it takes twice as long, but we have twice as much fun than if we go by ourselves.
  • This type of friendship transition is treasured, but there are those relationships where they end in pain. It can be through betrayal, misalignment, emotional exhaustion, or one-sided relationships.
  • You are so right, Michelle. I wish all friendship deepened into rare treasure, but sometimes they end in a dumpster fire. Betrayal causes us to wonder if we misread the friendship when we shared our deepest thoughts and feelings. Misalignment can happen when one friend wants to go deeper in their relationship with God and the other determines they don’t. I’ll never forget the time when I offered to pray with a friend who was going through a difficult season and they said, they didn’t want me to pray or share scripture with them anymore. That’s when I realized how far we had drifted. It was painful to hear her reject our God.
  • And emotional exhaustion can go hand in hand with one-sided relationship. When someone always wants our comfort, our listening ear, and our prayers, but doesn’t reciprocate, it can be draining. It also creates distance because there doesn’t seem to be room for our hearts in the friendship. It causes our hearts pain.
  • It’s true. A one-sided relationship can be a painful change in a friendship. Sometimes, though, there is no dramatic ending. There’s life. Schedules change. Marriage and kids take our priority and focus. One friend might need to relocate for various reasons. Distance doesn’t have to erase meaningful history.

PART 3: BIBLICAL EXAMPLES OF FRIENDSHIP CHANGE

  • I love how the Bible can be our source of teaching, encouragement, and hope with all of life. The example of Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15:36-41 show us how a changed relationship does not cancel the good God once did through it. Paul and Barnabas traveled to different communities to spread the good news of Jesus, to establish churches, and to encourage followers of Christ. However, they had a disagreement about including John Mark on their second trip.
  • Paul didn’t want to include him because he left them midway through the journey. Barnabas disagreed with Paul and thought they should include John Mark. Rather than going together, they chose different a different teammate and instead of one team sent out, two teams went to encourage the churches. The change in their friendship did not diminish the work God had done in them together and did not prevent more good from being done through them.
  • Great example! I also love how it doesn’t say there were hard feelings. We assume there might have been. But we also know that later in Paul’s life he commended John Mark and asked for him to visit.
  • Another example of friendship change was David and Jonathan. This friendship reveals that some relationships leave permanent impact even when circumstances change. 1 Samuel details the friendship between the two young men. One was the son of a king and probable rightful heir, but the other was the anointed king. Instead of jealousy, a deep friendship grew between them. And when Jonathan’s father determined to kill David, it was Jonathan who protected him and aided in his escape. His loyalty, not to the crown, but to the King of Kings, saved David.
  • Their friendship makes me think about Jesus and the Disciples. People came and went throughout his ministry. Many people followed him for what he could do for him, and many decided to unfollow him when his teachings grew too challenging. And of course, there’s Judas. Even knowing Judas’s eventual betrayal, Jesus welcomed him as friend. Even Jesus experienced disappointment, abandonment, and relational grief.
  • Basically, what we’ve learned from these biblical examples of friendship change is that if friendships changed in Scripture, then, maybe, we could stop seeing every relational shift as failure or rejection.

PART 4 WHAT TO DO WHEN FRIENDSHIPS CHANGE

  • Let’s turn our attention to practical steps. First, grieve honestly. Friendship changes hurt. Sometimes it’s unexpected and other times it’s a gradual change. It’s important that we don’t minimize the loss. A loss is a loss, whether it’s big or small. Losses hurt. It’s also okay to miss them. Rather than welding that part of our hearts closed, step into the hurt. Recognze it. Miss them.
  • So good. Second, release unrealistic expectations. Not every friend can meet our every need for the rest of our lives. That’s Jesus’ job and he does it better than any expectation we might place on a friend. Our friends can’t be God or the Holy Spirit or our Savior. They can be used by God to speak into our lives, to refine us, or to encourage us. But they can’t meet all our expectations. God is our everything, not our friendship.
  • Third, appreciate what was good. This one can be hard to do, especially if it’s a once close friendship gone astray. If there was betrayal involved, the forgiveness process can take a while. But eventually, we can look back and remember the good about the friendship. If there was a drift due to seasons of life, we can honor the friendship without forcing it back into its old form.
  • The fourth one is important. Leave room for new friendships. Keep your hearts open. When friendships change it’s tempting to close our hearts permanently to new friends. Sometimes God uses changing friendships to make space for growth. Maybe we placed too many expectations on them to meet our every need and God wants us to look to him first when we face troubles. Or maybe a friendship isn’t helping accomplish God’s goals for our lives. Changes in friendships happen, and it’s important to leave room for new friends.
  • Fifth, let God be your constant. God’s presence doesn’t shift or drift or abandon or betray. Hebrews 13:5b-6 tells us, God as said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. So, we can say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?”
  • When friendship change, it’s tempting to look at people through a suspicious lens. We wonder if they will be there for us. We wonder if they have trustworthy hearts. We wonder if we will be safe in the friendship. But God has promised he is trustworthy. He is constant. He hears us when we call. He wipes away our tears. He is constant even when the friends in our lives are not.
  • Discussing friendship change can be a heavy, serious subject. I’ve experienced changes in my friendships, and it can hurt deeply. But I also know that God can use all my good experiences and all my painful moments to refine me and make me more like him. We want you to remember four things.
  • One, you are not forgotten because a friendship change. I know it feels like it. There are no more texts or phone calls or sharing reels back and forth on social media. The calendar dates are empty because get togethers no longer take place. It feels lonely because the spaces where your friendship took place are empty. But God does not forget you. He sees you in the pain and enters it with you. He is your shepherd restoring your soul as you rest in him.
  • Two, a friendship change is not proof that you are unlovable. I know it can feel that way, especially if it seems to happen to you on a semi-regular basis. But Romans 8:38-39 states, And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the power of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Nothing includes changes in friendships. Hold onto the truth that you are loveable.
  • Three, God still writes beautiful stories through changing relationships. He is not done with you. He is writing his story in your life. A life that can reflect a faithful heart, a gentle spirit, and a generous friend. Your story, even the messy parts, is being made into something beautiful.
  • Four, some friendships may even return in healthier ways later. Every one of us has our own stories filled with triumph and pain. God, in his way, likes to bring us to a choosing point. Will we choose his way of healing or will we choose our way of hiding. Some friendships change based on how we answer that. But God can redeem even the most painful parts of our stories and sometimes he restores a friendship we thought we lost.
  • Some people are meant to walk beside you forever. Others were meant to help carry you through a portion of the journey. Both are gifts and because of God’s constant faithfulness we can thank him for both.
  • I would encourage you to cultivate courage to trust God in friendship transitions. He can heal your wounds and carry your confusion. He can also eventually bring your heart to a point where you can rejoice for that once-upon-a-time friendship. In the meantime, we can thank God for the ways this friendship helped shape who we are becoming.

Scripture References:

  • Proverbs 27:9 Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.
  • Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
  • Ecclesiastes3:1 ESV For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

 

Recommended Resources: (If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).

 

I wish all friendship deepened into rare treasure, but sometimes they end in a dumpster fire. Tune in for what to do when friendship changes and how to trust God through relational transitions. Share on X Babies grow from child to adult. Moms and dad gain wrinkles and gray hair. Just as our physical selves change over time, so do relationships, including friendships. Tune in for trusting God when friendships change. Share on X

 

Social Media Links for Host and Co-Host:

Connect with Co-Host Reverend Jessica Van Roekel:

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For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

Order Book Sacred Scars / Order book The Hem of His Garment / Order book Today is Going to be a Good Day / Order Book Breaking Anxiety’s Grip / Order Book Hope Prevails  / Order Book Hope Prevails Bible Study /  Website  /  Blog  /  Facebook / Twitter (@DrMBengtson)  /  LinkedIn  /  Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube / Podcast on Apple

 

About Co-Host Rev. Jessica Van Roekel:

Jessica Van Roekel, authorJessica Van Roekel is a worship leader, speaker, and writer who believes that through Jesus, personal histories don’t need to define the present or determine the future. She inspires, encourages, and equips others to look at life through the lenses of hope, trust, and God’s transforming grace. Jessica lives in rural Iowa surrounded by wide open spaces which remind her of God’s expansive love. She loves fun earrings, good coffee, and connecting with others.

 

 

 

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson

 

The end of a friendship can leave you grieving, questioning your worth, and wondering what happened. Learn why friendship changes can feel so painful, what God's Word says about these seasons, and how to move forward with hope and confidence in His unchanging love. Listen and find biblical encouragement for your next step. SAVE this pin so you can come back to it whenever you need the reminder.

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