I recently had the opportunity to chat with Kathy Collard Miller on the Sacred Scar Story Series we’ve been doing recently on Your Hope-Filled Perspective Podcast. Kathy shared her story of having been raised by a very angry mother, and in turn, learning to take her anger out on her husband and her own daughter. In time, and with support and accountability, Kathy’s anger wounds healed and now reveal a beautiful sacred scar. Listen to the podcast here: How to Find Freedom from Anger and Build Healthier Family Relationships Through Faith – Episode 291. Kathy shares more with you here about recognizing buried anger and how understanding its roots can help us find healing and true peace.
9 Reactions Which Reveal Buried Anger
By Kathy Collard Miller
When I was in third grade, I became so angry at my best friend, Irene, that I hit her right in the nose. As she ran across the street sobbing, I stood horrified and paralyzed. I couldn’t believe I had done that but I had. I can’t remember what I was so angry about, but I do remember what I thought to myself, “See what happens when you get angry, Kathy? You better never get angry again.”
That seminal experience developed the beginning of burying my anger. Unfortunately, burying my anger never worked. It only fed a sinful self-protective strategy of ignoring what was going on inside of me.
Catching Beginning Anger using the Fruit of the Spirit
After many years of seeking God’s help, I began to see how paying attention to the underlying reasons for my anger and the way it was expressed helped me to more quickly see God’s offered solutions. And the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:23-24 is the basis for making that evaluation.
Let’s look at the nine fruit of the Spirit as a way to catch beginning anger before it creates ungodly responses.
9 Reactions Which Reveal Buried Anger
For instance, look for:
- Instead of being loving, we’re apathetic, maybe even hateful. We rescue, people please, and basically don’t want the best for the other person. We might even punish through withdrawal which is actually a subtle self-protective angry response.
- Instead of being joyful, we’re unhappy, discontented, disgruntled and ungrateful.
- Instead of being peaceful, we’re unsettled, worried and tense and taking out our worry on others through angry words.
- Instead of being patient, we’re frustrated and have unrealistic expectations.
- Instead of being kind, we’re mean-spirited and critical, unsympathetic and lacking in compassion. Our actions are rough and disrespectful of a person’s dignity—another underlying form of anger.
- Instead of being good, we’re selfish and self-centered, angrily demanding our own way.
- Instead of being gentle, we’re harsh and disregard the emotions and needs of others.
- Instead of being faithful, we’re dishonest, disloyal and undependable. We blame another if our ungodly reaction is called out.
- Instead of having self-control, we are reckless, out of control, and held in bondage by anything that seems to make our life better. And woe to anyone who blocks us getting what we want.
These nine ungodly choices can make us alert to where anger is from. If we don’t, we will just ignore how God is using our problem to reveal our underlying motive.
Examining Heart Motives
We must first realize the “presenting” problem is not the real problem. By “presenting,” I mean that which is evident to us and which we believe resolving will get us what we want—whether it’s love, happiness, joy, peace, or someone understanding us. But when we only try to solve the presenting problem, we are focusing on behavior. God is not as much interested in our behavior as our heart’s motives. A pure heart produces naturally the behavior that pleases Him. (By the way, no one has a purely pure heart—we are all growing closer to that goal which will be given to us in heaven.)
Of course, God wants us to obey Him, but out of a heart that is motivated for the right reason—His glory—by not using anger to get what we crave. God desires us to have David’s heart that requested, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Ps. 139:23-24).
Seeing God’s Purpose in Difficult Moments
That is exactly what God was doing as I helped my husband, Larry, care for his mother, ninety-year-old Audrey, in our home. Audrey was afflicted with Lewy-Body Dementia which has unique kinds of symptoms including delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, and anger.
Every morning I fixed Audrey’s breakfast: toast, coffee, and bran flakes cereal in milk. On one morning, after she pushed away her half-eaten bowl of cereal, Audrey said, “Kathy, you put too much cereal and not enough milk in the bowl. I couldn’t finish it because it got too dry.”
Now as soon as I hear, “you,” my anger starts to burn. I’m being blamed. She’s unhappy and I can’t do anything right. I can never please her. She’s just a mean old woman who won’t appreciate my wonderful care. I think everyone should know how abused I am.
Then I began regarding the situation through the filter of “the problem isn’t the problem.” I could see that God wanted to sanctify me and when I was irritated, frustrated, and blaming Audrey, he was pointing out a lack of trust in Him and a distorted kind of what I thought was love. The solution wasn’t gritting my teeth and smiling. And it wasn’t explaining to Audrey that I did the best I could and she should be grateful.
Seeking God’s Approval, Not Human Validation
Instead, I needed to ask myself which “fruit” was I not allowing the Holy Spirit to produce in me? I could ask the Lord, “What are you inviting me into, Lord? What is really going on in my heart? Why can’t I love her from a more pure heart?”
In the case of the breakfast challenge, the key is in my thinking I can never please her. I’m trying to maintain peace apart from the empowering of the Holy Spirit by gaining her approval when I should be looking to God for His approval and His pleasure in my service. He wants to stamp, “Well done, good and faithful servant” upon me but I push it aside and say, “I want it from Audrey.”
For me, God’s invitation of greater peace and less frustration has involved seeking only what God can provide: a true reflection of my worth and value based upon Jesus’ death on the cross for me. It’s only found fully in the gospel of grace where unconditional love and acceptance is found through God’s offer of forgiveness.
Replacing Hidden Anger with God’s Truth
How about you? Which of the nine “fruit of the Spirit” is being replaced by anger? Look for the lies that feed your false reasoning that anger, frustration, irritation, aggravation, or any other form of anger will bring you what you want. Only surrendering to what God knows is best for you will empower you to surrender and allow the Holy Spirit to give you what will glorify your Lord.
Excerpted and adapted from Never Ever Be the Same: A New You Starts Today by Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller.
Is buried anger affecting your reactions? Discover how identifying the root of irritation, impatience, and criticism can lead to true peace. @KathyCMiller shares her insights on finding healing. Share on X Is anger stealing your peace? @KathyCMiller dives into 9 signs of hidden anger and how understanding them can transform your relationships and faith. Share on X
About Kathy Collard Miller
Kathy Collard Miller is an award-winning, bestselling author of over 60 books including Anger Management—Jesus Style and No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom. She writes Christian Living books, women’s Bible studies and Bible commentaries. She blogs and writes articles on trusting God more, God’s sovereignty, marriage, parenting, and knowing God in truth.
Along with being interviewed on The 700 Club, Kathy has been featured on hundreds of podcasts, radio and television programs.
Kathy has spoken in over 30 US states and 9 foreign countries at women’s retreats, writing conferences, MOPS, and marriage seminars. She often writes and speaks with her husband, Larry who she married in 1970. They have two children and two grandchildren, and live in Boise, Idaho.
Kathy is a founding member of AWSA (Advanced Writers and Speakers Association) and is active in various writers groups like IdaHope Christian Writers and also Christian women’s ministries like NEWIM (Network of Evangelical Women In Ministry).
Connect with Kathy Collard Miller:
Website / Facebook / Instagram / X / Pinterest / YouTube / Amazon Author Page
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