I looked up and met his kindly eyes. I had been avoiding them as I sat down, not sure what I would find.
“How are you?”
“Where shall we start?”
“How about the changes since last time.”
“Well, how is it that he lost weight with all the chemotherapy and the same amount of weight he lost, I gained.”
“I noticed.”
“Somehow I didn’t think that’d get by you, but the scales don’t exactly lie do they?”
He didn’t say anything. I think he knew that was a sensitive subject for me.
“The chemotherapy has made him very tired and he sleeps a lot—I mean A LOT.”
“But you?”
“Not well. Ever since his second round of chemotherapy…”
“How’s his energy level?”
“Poor.”
“And yours?”
“That’s one area we match on!!”
“I’m not thinking that’s something we should celebrate.”
“No, and I don’t. I miss my usual go, go, go, can do anything. Between caring for him and losing two employees and having to pick up the extra work from them, I don’t remember the last time I’ve been so utterly exhausted. I know that’s an overused word, but I don’t have a better word to describe it.”
Tears started to leak out of the corners of my eyes. That was the last thing I wanted, in my doctor’s office of all places.
“I didn’t mean to complain. I’m sorry.”
“You weren’t complaining. I asked. This is called a ‘Check-Up’ and if you recall, when I saw you last, at the start of this downhill slide, I said if things didn’t improve, we could be looking at hospitalizing you!”
By now I averted his gaze. I remembered that conversation well—I had hoped he had forgotten. Clearly he hadn’t.
“We often underestimate the toll it takes on the caregiver. Sure, you didn’t take the chemotherapy, but in some respects that would have been the easier part. We tend to pamper the patient and load up the caregiver with everything else. The extra physical demands, mental demands, and emotional demands. And in your case, you had the extra demands at work too. A week “off” here or there isn’t enough.”
My mind went back over the past year. It had been hard physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. I wanted to be there to support, but even despite my want-to, it was hard nonetheless.
While in some respects I feel like my body has betrayed me and let me down, I have to give it grace because I’ve demanded a great deal from it. I’ve pushed it to extremes and then expected it to give even more, because the demands around me didn’t stop.
It makes me grateful that as my comforter, the Holy Spirit doesn’t wear out or wear down! Even now, in my weakness, He is my strength. When I have nothing left to give, He promises that His grace is sufficient for me. When my nights are tearful because the stresses are greater than the answers, He reminds me that joy comes in the morning. When my mind races, searching for answers, He encourages me to be still and know that HE is God.
The hardest parts of being the caregiver, at least for me, have been knowing when to stop and rest, when to ask God and others for help, and recognizing that we weren’t meant to carry it all. Yes, we are called to share one another’s burdens, but Christ was the only one who was ever meant to carry them. He promised us, in all our frailties, that His yoke was easy and His burden light.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29)
The key is that He first says “Come to me…” He wants to be our caregiver, even as we care for others. Will you let Him do that for you?
Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
(If you have a question you’d like Dr. B to answer, contact her here now. Your name and identity will be kept confidential.)
A short brief about Hope Prevails.
Hope Prevails
Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey through Depression
Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Speaking from personal and professional experience, a neuropsychologist unpacks what depression is, shows how it affects us spiritually, and offers hope for living the abundant life.
Neuropsychologist Offers Hope to Those Struggling with Depression
-By 2020, depression will be our greatest epidemic worldwide
- An estimated 350 million people worldwide suffer from some form of depression
- As with the bestselling My Stroke of Insight, the author experienced the same condition she treats
- Helpful features include personal stories, biblical truths, prayers, and music recommendations
In Hope Prevails, Dr. Bengtson writes with deep compassion and empathy, blending her extensive training and faith, to offer readers a hope that is grounded in God’s love and grace. She helps readers understand what depression is, how it affects them spiritually, and what, by God’s grace, it cannot do. The result is a treatment plan that addresses the whole person—not just chemical imbalances in the brain.
For those who struggle with depression and those that want to help them, Hope Prevails offers real hope for the future.
Hope Prevails is available now wherever books are sold. To find out more, see: https://drmichellebengtson.com/hope-prevails-book/.
Beautiful and so true ! The caregiver role can be totally exhausting. We get worn down and out of whack before we ever realize what is going on. Thankfully God’s Word assures we don’t. Instead, He promises to steps in and see us through!!
Thank you for releasing this encouragement !!!!
Isn’t it wonderful that we can stand on God’s Word and His promises when we are weak and need strength? HE is our hope and encouragement on the hard days! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Great reminder in a difficult situation! Thanks for sharing such truth and encouragement 🙂
Thanks Nicole. I don’t think it hurts to have a reminder to extend the same grace to ourselves that we would extend to others.
Michelle, This is so needed. We just run ourselves ragged daily, but having the added responsibility of caregiving could send us over the top. I have not been in that situation, but I have watched others walk through it. This is much needed wisdom. I’ll keep it in mind and I’ve shared on social for anyone who might need it at the moment. Thank you for sharing these insights and the Bible verse from Matthew.
Thank you Leslie! Caregiving is hard, and it’s easy to lapse into guilt and feeling weary. But His grace is sufficient!
Words my eyes and my heart need! With my mum recently passing away, I’m realizing that my body has been in clenched and waiting mode for a long time. I’m working at healthy habits, and your experience shared here is underscoring the truth for me!
Michele, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum recently passing away. I remember the days of taking care of my ill mother when she had cancer and then the days after she passed. It was a physically and emotionally draining time. Please give yourself lots of tender loving care, just like you would have given her! Hugs my friend.
I’ve heard the being the caregiver is the hardest! But I love the saying that you should be given grace! I think we all need more grace in our lives.
I’m so sorry about your mom and wish you such peace.
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
#TuneInThursday
Our experiences have too much similarity – I felt a little uncomfortable reading this! My word wasn’t exhausted, it was overwhelmed. I used it frequently and when my doctor substitued overwhelmed with depressed, I cried rivers. My word was better. But either way, I needed to learn to treat it, and to give myself grace! Wonderful post!!!
I’ve never had to experience the life of caregiver, but I can only imagine how hard it must be. Thanks for the truths spoken in this article.
I love this post! It really is exhausting. Pinning this to share for others that might need the encouragement.
Michelle, this is such a great post, it is so easy for us to try and carry everything. When my daughter needs to carry a pile of something, she often tries to get it all in “one trip” even if it is too much. To me, this is what it feels like when we don’t allow anyone to help us, but that is why we have friends and those we love and most importantly, Jesus! We need to lay it all down at His feet and allow Him to care for us. Thanks for linking up with #TuneInThursday yesterday. See you next week!
Michelle, my heart goes out to you and the difficult road you’re walking right now. I pray that ‘this too shall pass’ but in the meantime, my hope is that God will whisper words of encouragement to your soul, helping you to pause at just the right times to soak in His love and peace.
Blessings, dear friend!
By the way, I’m your neighbour at Jami Amerine’s linkup this week. 🙂
That is something that we always forget about, Thanks for reminding us.
Sometimes, it’s not only exhausting, but as caregivers we may have a hard time asking for or receiving help when it’s offered. Yet, doing so allows others to use their gifts and receive God’s blessings. I’m praying for you as you walk through this difficult time. May you sense His presence in profound and tangible ways.
I’ve never been a caregiver, but I can only imagine how hard it would be! So glad you went to your doctor to get help for you! This reminds me about being a mom. We give and give till exhaustion, but we need to remember our needs to. We need to fill ourselves first so we can pour it out to others.
Visiting from Faith’Friends
I have been a caregiver over the years in different roles but for the last 6 years I have been a caregiver for my hubby. I knew 6 years ago I was deep in caring for him but had not really thought about my caregiving role until he mentioned it. He know that without me here he would struggle a lot. He wants me to take good care of me. All my daughters (bio and adopted) want me to take good care of me (lol) for papa thinks he would be hard for them to care for. I just chuckle. The Lord has so blessed me to be able to care for him. I reach those points like you did where the tears leak from my eyes and I am weary but the Lord always restores and helps me. I am so thankful for your message that is so encouraging. I love and appreciate your continual transparency and compassion. .