Dear Dr. B,
I saw your recent Facebook post about depression and knew I had to write. It’s getting close to that time of the year when things are supposed to be “merry and bright” and yet, I feel anything but. I find the holidays stressful, and frequently become depressed before the new year has arrived. I’d really like for this year to be different. Do you have any advice?
Sincerely,
Feeling Down This Holiday
Dear One,
I’m afraid I’m well acquainted with the exact feelings you describe. Not everyone experiences holiday cheer during this time of year, and I have had years that were not so festive within my heart either.
For many, a big part of what contributes to the holiday blues, are unmet expectations.
Whether we give voice to them or not, we all have expectations for how we think things will go, what will happen, and how we will be affected. We carry our expectations into the holidays—how we perceive things should be. Yet others may not share our same perspective or expectations of what the holidays should be like, how events will transpire, or what their role will be. They cannot see our mental picture that depicts those expectations, or the role that we anticipate they will play in our imagined scenario.
For example, we may not even realize it, but we rehearse in our heads what the meals will taste like, and what will be said when company visits. We imagine how conversations will flow, and how others will react when we give them the “perfect gift.”
We also often have expectations of ourselves: finding the perfect gift for each person on our list, sending out the perfect Christmas card or family photo, making the perfect meal, or having the house white-glove clean for company. Our perfect expectations are the perfect recipe for frustration and failure.
We often cannot control what happens to us, nor can we control others’ responses. When our expectations do not come to pass, we may feel disappointed, frustrated, angry, or depressed.
One way to combat depression during the holidays is to release our expectations; Release our expectations of others and ourselves.
I once saw a Christmas card photo of a family’s three toddler-age children, each holding one letter to spell out the word “Joy.” But instead of a perfect smiling family, all three children were crying. That parent knew how to release expectations for the perfect Christmas card. And truthfully, I probably enjoyed it more than the perfect scenario, because I got a good chuckle from it.
By releasing our expectations of others and ourselves, we can more easily take things as they come, and enjoy the experience rather than wishing a different outcome. It shifts our perspective from the negative (focusing on what didn’t happen the way we wanted or expected) to the positive (focusing on the positive of what occurred).
The Bible cautions, “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps” (Proverbs 16:9 NLT).
Will you release some expectations this holiday season and enjoy more?
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You said it perfectly, we have to release our expectations if we do not want to find ourselves in a pit this holiday season. I know others will benefit from your words of wisdom…sharing!
Thank you for your encouragement Alecia. I know many who find the holidays to be a particularly painful time of the year. I pray this helps in at least some small way. Thanks for sharing it. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Thank you Dr B for your post. I do love this time of year especially the planning and baking and all that goes with the Festive Season. I didn’t really think about the mental pressure that goes with it all but as I write this I was actually also thinking of what we will cook for our family dinner. Thank you for your advice which I hope to put into practice. #JoyHopeLive
Thanks for your encouragement Sue. The goal is to enjoy the holidays–the more we hold on to expectations, the less we appreciate the blessings and fall prey to the inevitable disappointments from unmet expectations. Glad you found something useful you can put into practice. Hope to see you here again. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I have been the biggest sucker for having expectations that are never met (especially at Christmas time) it has taken me a long time to realize that I need to let those expectations go and be grateful for what comes my way on the day. That way it’s always better than I hoped, rather than being a letdown. Great advice 🙂
Leanne, once I learned to let expectations go and be grateful for what comes my way, the free-er I was to experience JOY! Thanks for visiting! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
“By releasing our expectations of others and ourselves, we can more easily take things as they come, and enjoy the experience rather than wishing a different outcome.” This is such good advice! It makes for a much more relaxed and peaceful atmosphere! I’m visiting from Still Saturday! Blessings to you!
Gayl, it’s a hard lesson for many, particularly because so often we don’t even realize we have the expectations to begin with. But those expectations set us up for failure. Releasing those expectations does allow for a more relaxed and peaceful atmosphere! Thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you here again! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Yes, expectations can make the holidays especially challenging. We rehearse things in our minds and then we’re disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way we expected.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful advice (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
Wishing you a lovely weekend.
xoxo
You’re so right, Jennifer….it’s all that rehearsing in our minds. The problem is that no one else is in on that mental rehearsal, and their rehearsal doesn’t look anything like ours! Here’s to letting go and enjoying it as it comes!
This is good. I have been feeling down lately. It’s not the holidays, but other things in my life that have me stressed. I am going to have to take some time and figure out my expectations and then change them to change how I am feeling. Thanks for this post.
Expectations don’t just hold us hostage during the holidays, but every day as well. That’s part of the reason Scripture tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough to concern us. But the answer is to cast ALL our cares on Him, for He cares for us. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
So much truth here! I’ve written about depression during the holiday season, and I think you explain it so well. Giving up expectations is huge, but not easy. We all have a vision of how we think the holidays should go, and it’s hard to let go and allow God to create it the way HE wants it to be this year. But I’ve learned that when I do, sometimes it ends up being the best one yet, or at least not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Sara, so glad to see you here! Letting go and letting God is always the answer. Not easy, but always worth it. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
How true! Unmet expectations are the things that take me down at the holidays. Thank you for your perspective and tips. Visiting from Teaching What Is Good linkup today. Ever grateful!
Christina, we all fall prey to the trap. Just realizing that is such a liberating first step! Here’s to hoping this year is different! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
This post is so full of wisdom. Often I find that I am upset because my expectations aren’t met, and realize I’m taking myself too seriously. Just doing that little self check in can make a huge difference. Stopping by as a guest cohost from Motivation Monday, thanks for linking up!
Kelsey, you mentioned such an important truth: taking ourselves too seriously. When we think of it, we put way too much importance on things that won’t matter later. Will it really matter if the wrapping paper gets ripped, or the marshmallow fluff burns, or if someone is late to dinner? What is important is enjoying the presence of those who are with us while we can still enjoy their presence. Fretting over the unimportant steals our joy. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I look forward to the holidays! Our little nuclear family really just like to spend time together – getting a little silly, planning meals that are good for munching on later. I’ve already started listening to Christmas music. It’s the bigger family gatherings that take some releasing – much as I love everyone, the relationships and expectations can definitely get complicated. Thankful we are neighbors at Unite today – this was a good and timely read.
So glad you visited Janet, and that you enjoyed the post. Hope to see you visit again. Relationships are always complex. If we can keep our focus on loving each other and enjoying each other’s company while we have them in our lives, it refocuses our attention on what is important. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Thank you so much for sharing with us at #JoyHopeLive!
Thanks for linking up at Mondays @ Soul Survival!