Have you ever lost something or someone very important to you? A family member? A friend? A pet? A job?
Did you allow yourself to grieve?
Grief and loss are all around us, and we will all experience it at some time. Sometimes I think the best we can hope for is to “Grieve well.”
Some memories are seared into the movie screen of your mind forever.
I was gently ushered to the dining room table in the wee hours of the night. As I took my seat, I saw my pastor and his wife, and soon to follow, my 10 year old baby brother. I remember thinking, “this is an awfully unusual time of day for a prayer meeting.”
Sometimes naivete’ or oblivion or just plain not being in the know is the most comfortable place to be.
It was then that I was told the reason for the gathering…
while I slept, my entire world and the rest of my future had changed without me being aware. My daddy had died suddenly and unexpectedly in the night. (He was much younger than I am now as I write this…way too young).
I don’t remember another word that was spoken. At that moment, words didn’t matter. Words couldn’t put my world back together again.
Within moments, the ambulance arrived with lights flashing, to carry him away and out of my life.
Sadly, my first thought went to what I needed to do as a young girl to help support the family. My mother wasn’t a United States citizen, had no education, nor a job. And in my mind, if my father could be taken from me in a blink of an eye, so could our home, our cars, my mother… I would do what it took to keep us together.
But my next thought was strong and determined, “This will never happen to me. If something happens to my husband, I will be able to support my family!”
And that set the course for the next several decades: strong and determined. And it would start immediately.
At the visitation and the funeral, I assumed the position: I didn’t cry, and I put a smile on my face. I took it on myself to make sure everyone else in that overly packed church was ok. I knew they would be watching us, and I wanted to be the “model Christian girl” so they would be attracted to Christ.
I was supposed to be happy, right? My daddy was in heaven, and heaven was a wonderful place. He would be happy there, right? And I was a Christian, so the idea of him being in heaven should make me happy right? Even though I was a little girl who no longer had her earthly dad… I believed it wasn’t ok to have the feelings I was having.
No one taught me that sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to feel the pain – as long as we don’t stay there.
Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Dr. Michelle Bengtson
So I didn’t…I shoved them deep down into a dark place in my heart that no one could see, including me, and threw away the key.
But that’s the thing about grief… Grief is a process. If we avoid it, He can’t heal it.
And avoid it, I did.
But I’ve learned some things about grief through the decades, having gone through it several times to varying degrees.
One lesson I learned is that new, fresh grief complicates old, unresolved grief. Allow yourself to grieve your current losses so they don’t become magnified later.
Just recently, I received the news I never imagined. Our sweet friend went to heaven today.”
I could not be hearing that about a friend who in such a short period of time had sewn such deep seeds of love and compassion into my broken heart that I was forever changed. And now I would be changed by her sudden, tragic death.
This time would be different. It had to be. It took too many years to heal from the unresolved grief of my daddy’s death to go through that again. But how?
As tears spilled from my eyes, and ran down my cheeks, I let God in. I couldn’t do it alone this time. I couldn’t deny how badly my heart ached. And I had to admit to God that I felt lost without my friend, my biggest cheerleader, my most fervent prayer warrior. How would I cope?
I’d never hear her infectious laugh again, or benefit from a timely spoken scripture or prayer over me. She’d never read nor comment on another one of my blog posts. She would never be.
How would I make it through this loss, loneliness and emptiness? This time had to be different. This time I cried out to Him, not concerned about not representing Him well, but needing Him to step in for me.
Grief is hard, but remember that our God is faithful. Cling to the One who is well-acquainted with our sorrow.
I sensed Him whisper to my heart. “I see and I feel your grief. You can’t really hide it from me, although in the past you tried. It’s ok to grieve. I will catch all your tears as I hold you close. Grieve, my daughter. Grieve well.”
In that, He taught me we never go through grief alone—God promises to catch all our tears (Psalm 56:8).
God and I had many “conversations” about the meaning of “grieve well.” I sensed that what He was trying to tell me was to go ahead and feel the grief, take it to Him, don’t try to hide it or put on the mask in front of Him or others, and let Him use the healing process for my good and for His glory.
God doesn’t expect us or require us to remain strong. He promises in our weakness, He will be our strength (2 Corinthians 12:10).
Oh how I wish we’d had those conversations when my daddy went to heaven. But it’s okay, because now I’ve learned. If we will just hang on, and cling to God, our grief will be redeemed. “Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” (John 16:20).
As my children have encountered loss, I’ve also learned how to help them grieve well. When children are grieving, teach them to run TO God, not away from Him. Be an example for them to follow.
I’m thankful that God has taught me there it is possible to grieve well. I’m learning to trust God with my raw, honest emotions, and that He will bring good from our pain. He promises to “bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (Isaiah 61:3).
I’ve also learned that grief comes in multiple layers, not just the loss of the person, but also dreams and expectations. I’ve had to learn to be patient with the healing, which also comes in layers.
Unfortunately, grief is something we will all go through at some point. But we can choose to walk through it with the One who is well-acquainted with our grief, and choose to intentionally grieve well.
A friend of mine, Susan Mead, has done just that. After losing her son, she chose to grieve well, and let God come in and heal the grieving places. She has written the book, “Dance With Jesus: From Grief to Grace.” #DanceWithJesus #DanceWithJesusBook I am giving away a copy of Susan’s book. If you would like to be considered for the giveaway, please leave a comment below about your own experiences in grieving well, or something you will take away from this post.
Because of Him, Hope Prevails,
Dr. B
(If you have a question you’d like Dr. B to answer, contact her here now. Your name and identity will be kept confidential.)
Michelle, God has used your grieving experience for your friend and your willingness to share those experiences to help me through grieving the loss of my son. The timing was certainly perfect, as is the way our Lord works. I am currently in the swells of grief that run like an ocean’s tide. I am clinging to His words and also learning that I had a very similiar experience when i lost my father in early adolescence. Maybe it was just the era and feelings just had to be hid. Ive spent a life time dealing with his suicide and so very thankful for God’s patience with me.
He is certainly using you in a mighty way. Thank you
Debbie
Debbie, thank you for your encouraging words. Sharing my journey was part of the Lord’s instruction to me to “grieve well.” It’s not easy to be so vulnerable and open about our broken places, but that is when it’s easiest to heal. I have been praying for you ever since I heard of the death of your son. While I have not walked that specific journey, my own losses have allowed me greater compassion for the loss others experience. I’m so very sorry that you had to endure the loss of a father at a young age. I pray now will be the time that our Heavenly Father will help heal and restore those broken places, and exchanges your ashes for His beauty. Stay in touch my friend. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Michelle, This touches me in ways I know you know about. Hugs to the little girl at the table from the little girl in the “family room at the hospital”, from one daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD to another.
Miriam
My Dear Miriam, I think of you often. I’m so grateful for “divine connections” and the love shared between kindred spirits even across the miles. When grief catches me unaware and rears its ugly head, I take solace in knowing I’m not alone, and that others can relate with a kindred “me too.” But even moreso, I’m so thankful our Heavenly Father is well-acquainted with our grief and catches every tear. Because of Him, #HopePrevails! Much love to you fellow daughter of the Most High God.
Amen, Michelle! Hope does prevail. Had the knee replacement almost a week ago, so i’m praying that sometime in the near future i will finally feel good enough to start reassociating myself with the rest of the world. I can certainly see how someone could withdraw into a cocoon after a loss of someone dear to them! Another bit of insight God has shared with me. Thanks for your heart and smarts!
Debbie
Adding your successful healing to my prayers 😉 #HopePrevails, you can be assured of that!
Thanks for sharing your experience Michelle. I’ve lost many people close to me but the deepest grief I’ve experienced is the loss of having a loving mother because she chose to be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I held onto hope until the end of her life that she would want to change but she never did. So at her death my grief wasn’t for the loss of her but for what we never had and that it now could never be. Complicated grief. Yes, grief comes in layers. It’s been almost 12 years since her death and it’s not overwhelming anymore. God continues to help me continue to grieve well. Probably until the day I die.
Lynn
Lynn, you raise a point that I mentioned in one of my other posts on grief. Sometimes what we grieve isn’t necessarily, or isn’t just, the loss of a person, but the loss of our expectations, hopes or dreams. I’m so sorry that You never got to see your mother change and become what you needed. I understand complicated grief. But I can assure anyone reading that God knows and understands, and never leaves us to suffer alone. Hang on to Him, as you have done all these years. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Michelle, I do not know if you remember, but I lost my best friend to breast cancer in November. Before her death I had many friends but Becky was the one I told everything to and knew I could always go too. As I grieved for her I realized God desires for me to come to him with all my fears and I could tell Him anything. He wanted me to come to Him. Since her death God is showing me other friendships also that He wants me to work on. Do I still grieve Becky? I do. But when I do I know where to turn with my grief knowing He will give me stremgth until we meet again.
Judy, I’m so glad you stopped by. I do remember you losing Becky. Whether we lose a friend or a family member or someone or something else close to us, the pain of the loss is very real. I’m so very grateful that we walk through it with the One who not only created us, but mends our hearts as He is well-acquainted with our grief and promises to be near the broken-hearted. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Dr Michelle
So blessed I found you after hearing Susan’s story a month or so ago.
I am just coming out of a 5+ years of sorrow & grief with the loss of my brother to suicide. I’ve learned to be tender and know everyone’s journey is unique to them. People friends family can say the meanest cruelest things, LOVE & SILENCE with a hug and prayer helps more than words that cannot be taken back. I know we take each thought captive ( 2 Corinthians 10:5) and we have all at times said the wrong words but during grief words spoken are different. There is a quote that I now give to people from Henri Nouwen it is to me one of the best to have around tucked in a purse or wallet or our Bible. It might even be something that could be printed and put in a sympathy card or a note to a friend in need.
God has given me so many MIRACLES to comfort me, He is a personal God so He knows what each of us needs. I am following Jesus and helping others with losses of all kinds. Keeping my heart & mind on God & Jesus and following the Holy Spirits lead keeps me going forward reaching out to our world . I want to read Susan’s book when I heard about her story I prayed for her & her family.
Here is the quote from Henri Nouwen
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life
Catherine, I’m truly very sorry for your loss. Each person’s experience of grief and loss is unique and individual to them, but we all share a pain we wish we didn’t have to endure. You are so very right that sometimes LOVE & SILENCE with a hug and prayer helps more than words that cannot be taken back and I love the quote by Nouwen. I pray you’ll continue to be comforted as only our Heavenly Father can. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Before I went into a season of healing I was meeting with a mentor who discerned that I had some unresolved grief. I did not understand what she meant since I had never really lost anyone except my grandmother. When I entered an 8 week period of healing through a prayer ministry at my church I woke one night crying and did not stop for over 2 hours. In that two hours the Lord showed me all the times in my life where I lost stability. I had traumatic events happen at very crucial times of my life where I needed stability the most: infant/toddler years, and adolescence. I wrote for those two hours and was finally able to recognize and open the door to grief that led to pain in so many of my relationships. That was an amazing 8 week period that healed my heart leading me close to the Lord and to my husband. Thank you Michelle for your post and for encouraging others to be honest with their grief. Love, Rachael @ Inking the Heart
Rachael, how faithful God was to show you through the help of a mentor and prayer ministry the areas of your life that led to unresolved grief. As you have seen, when we recognize it, He can heal it. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Thank you for your post. I just had to put down one of my dogs last friday. Always an agonizing decision. Fortunately, i have many friends checking in on me letting me know they love me and are here for support. I think this time it is a little easier because i knew his time was coming. But still im letting myself grieve when i can make the alone time for it. Allowing myself to nap, cry and be unproductive.Thanks. cindy
Cindy, I’m sorry for the loss of your dog. We recently loss one of our fur-babies too, and while they aren’t people who converse with us, they enrich our lives in many ways, so losing them can bring about grief. I’m glad you are being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to grieve well so it doesn’t resurface at a later, less opportune time. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Good word! Even Jesus grieved, He wept over Lazarus. We all will go through pain, and we probably won’t do it well. But God is so faithful, He stays close and holds us. May we lean into Him and allow Him to hold us.
Debbie, you’re right…we all will eventually go through pain and loss and grief. But God. He is so faithful, He promises never to leave us or turn His back on us. The key is leaning in to Him, rather than turning out back on Him in our pain. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
In the Old Testament, people understood the necessity of grief much more than we do today. People put on sackcloth and wore ashes as a visible sign to others that they were grieving. It was accepted and understood. Today, not so much. People are uncomfortable with it so they want to slap a bandaid on it and for you to “move on” without going the process of mourning a loss… whether it be a physical loss of a person or the loss of a dream or desire or whatever… While people are well meaning, it can be detrimental because it is in the moving through the process that we find healing. Thanks for this post! Visiting from Theocentric Thursdays
A very true observation Karen: it is in the moving through the process that we find healing!! If we don’t feel it, He won’t heal it. But He promises to be near to the brokenhearted…we only need to lean in to Him. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I was so glad when I found myself “parked” next to you on Hearts for the Home today, Michelle.
I always really get a lot out of your posts (and I believe many others do as well).
Grief is the strangest thing, isn’t it. I love the idea that it comes in “layers.” That is such a good way of explaining it!
I hope you will have a blessed day today~
Melanie
Melanie, your sweet words of encouragement bless my writer’s heart! I love to see your name show up in the comments. Praying you feel blessed for your time spent here. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I have read so many times how God is there for me and is my strength, but they were just words. In this single post I’ve realized I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE ANYMORE!!! God is the strength in me, and His strength is sufficient. Thank you for that. So much. I’m going through horrific times right now and this was perfect timing. God’s Blessings to you❤️
PRAISE GOD, Debi! He longs to be your strength, your strong tower, your shelter in times of storm. I’m so sorry you are going through such difficult times. I’ve been there and I know that it can be hard to hold on to truth in such times, but hold on to His truth is what we must do when the storms hit. Right now, hold on to Him and let Him be your strength! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I understand all too well ” new, fresh grief complicates old, unresolved grief.” My baby sister and my 2 1/2 year old brother died 9 months apart when I was 11 & 12. When I was 57, (2005) my one remaining brother suddenly died after getting lost hunting and dying of hypothermia before he was found. It was then I finally grieved the loss of the two little ones along with this new loss. Those many years ago, no one knew how to help a child grieve. and yes, God is redeeming the losses. came here from LIsha’s link up. .
Carol, I’m so very sorry for the tragic losses you’ve had to endure, but what an encouragement you are to the other readers to testify that God is redeeming the losses. I pray you continue to receive comfort from our God of all comfort. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
This is such a powerful post. I have not yet experienced times of deep grief. But I’ve walked with others through it and it’s so hard sometimes. I am so thankful for a God who turns our mourning into dancing. Thank you for sharing at Weekend Whispers.
Barbie, you may not have experienced deep grief yet, but we all experiences losses of some kind throughout our life, and at some time we will all experience grief. But God is so faithful if we will let Him have access to those broken places. So glad you joined us today. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
So much important information on grieving here. We all move at our own pace here. It’s important to experience the loss and not ignore it.
I lost several family members this past summer, one four-legged, two relatives and one like a father to me. I don’t remember so many losses so close together before. God is right there in the midst of it. He always is. You are my neighbor at Playdates. Blessings to you.
Dear One, I’m so sorry for your multiple losses in such a short period of time. I, too, have experienced several, one right after the other, and it can take it’s toll on us. But as you said with great faith, God is right there in the midst of it. I pray that the God of all comfort will comfort you in this time of sorrow. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Grieving well…I love that you are talking about this, but my heart goes out to you in this time of personal grief. From my own experience, allowing myself to feel the pain and being OK with its presence long after I thought it should have already left was the hardest part. I used to beat myself up on a daily basis for having the feelings I was experiencing. When I finally accepted the feelings, my life changed, and the weight of grief eventually lifted.
Laura, thank you for your kind words. Part of the problem with grief is that it is uncomfortable. And when others are uncomfortable while we grieve, there can be a tendency for them to put an artificial time limit on how long it should take one to grieve. But I’ve never found it possible to put God in a box, and I don’t think He does that with our grief either. Thankfully, even in our grief, Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
When my grandmother died, for some reason, I knew I had to grieve well. It was such a tremendous loss for me and my family and I knew that I had to show my kids it was okay to be sad, okay to cry, okay to have questions, okay to talk about it for as long we you need to. Our society doesn’t handle grief well and I wanted to create space for my family and those watching us. I wanted to show others they have permission to grieve well, too.
Jennifer, what a precious gift you gave to your family and those watching you. Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and you gave the gift of modeling how to journey THROUGH the valley of grief. They will benefit from your example! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Thanks for sharing with us at #JoyHopeLive!
I am going to use this post as a place to send several people I know who are at varying stages of their grieving process. I appreciate the way you handle a topic that most of us don’t even know were to begin with. Thank you for lending your experience to us so that others may be healed and grieve well in their journey. Also,Thanks so much for sharing this at #ThoughtProvokingThursday I am so glad we are neighbors there.
Debbie, I’m so glad you think this will be a helpful post for others. There are several other posts I’ve written about grief in the past 4 months as well. It’s my hope that this meets someone in their time of need. Because of Him, #HopePrevails.
Dear Michelle,
Thank you so much for sharing this article with us at Inspire Me Monday at Create With Joy! It immediately caught my eye and I will be including it among my features this week (#192).
Everything you said in this post really resonated with me. It is only through God’s grace and mercy that I am able to move forward and face life without my family, who have now all passed away (some suddenly and without warning – some after lingering illnesses – some in freak accidents – some by their own hand).
I look forward to reading more of your inspirational posts!
It blesses me to know that this post encouraged you. I’m so sorry for all your losses. Please grasp the hem of His garment and let Him offer the comfort and healing that only He can give. Truly, He can replace our ashes with beauty. Because of Him, #HopePrevails.
This is a great post that I know will help many. Thanks for linking up at Women With Intention Wednesdays!
Thank you so much! #HopePrevails
Thank you for sharing with us at #JoyHopeLive!
Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your story and your tender process to encourage others….Many of your thoughts resonated with me and this: “I’ve also learned that grief comes in multiple layers, not just the loss of the person, but also dreams and expectations.” I’m slowly learning to grieve well…blessings to you.
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