Many women know the pain, the loneliness, the longing, and the isolation of infertility. On a recent episode of Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast, continuing our Sacred Scar Story Series, guest Cherie Denna shared of her painful wounds secondary to childhood sexual abuse leading to infertility, and how God brought healing to her heart (How to Overcome Pain, Infertility and Divorce while Cherishing Your Miracle Child – Episode 277). I’ve asked her to share a bit more of her story with you here:

Healing Scars of Infertility
By Cherie Denna

The doctor pointed out the various parts of my reproductive system on the ultrasound monitor. “See all of this? That’s scar tissue.” My answers to his next couple of questions confirmed his suspicion of childhood sexual abuse.

In my dreams, I envisioned a future with three children, a reflection of the family I had always longed for. That day, I discovered that in vitro fertilization (IVF) was my only option for conceiving a child. Even that was still experimental. Immersed in a trail of bleeding hope and shattered purpose, I clenched my abdomen. The pressure of my rage erupted. “He stole my childhood! Now he gets to steal my motherhood too?”

I’d never felt so alone, so empty, and so useless as a woman and wife. The magnitude of my loss triggered PTSD. The depth of hopelessness, fear, and despair eventually led me into a relationship with Jesus Christ. I prayed my heart out, and He responded to my desperate cries, “I am a God of justice.”

Trusting God’s righteousness to defeat the enemy

After five years of infertility treatment and three rounds of IVF, God blessed me with my miracle baby. He did not allow the enemy to steal my motherhood. The Lord showed me His faithfulness by remaining true to His character. Sometimes we need to witness His justice in action to fuel our belief.

However, the unforgiveness and hate I held in my heart toward my abuser continued to torment me, which fed my PTSD and self-destructive behaviors. This led to the demise of my marriage of seventeen years. Over the next five years, I fought to retain custody of my daughter. Her father drug us through family court to permanently rip my daughter from my life, despite my infertility. The Lord heard my cries and revealed more about His justice. During the last year of hearings, I declared Matthew 10:26 every time I entered the courtroom. “So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.”

Once again, the Lord intervened on my behalf. When we believe in God’s promises and trust His character, we get to witness the miraculous.

Encountering God’s justice in a different light

But let’s face it. God does not always answer our prayers the way we expect. When I learned my abuser surrendered his life to Jesus, I questioned God. After all, I expected punishment, not mercy. But this is the thing … when we allow unforgiveness to fester, we give the enemy a foothold in our life. Paul exhorts us in his letter to the Ephesians, “Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down. And do not give the devil an opportunity [to lead you into sin by holding a grudge, or nurturing anger, or harboring resentment, or cultivating bitterness]. (Eph 4:26-27, Amplified)

Once we surrender to God’s will, He gives us peace that surpasses understanding. God gave His one and only Son, so that EVERYONE who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16, paraphrase mine). While I held onto the belief that my abuser was purely evil, I had a revelation that God’s love encompasses everyone, including him. The enemy was once again held accountable, and justice prevailed.

As my dear friend, Shadia Hrichi, wrote, “It takes great courage to rightly judge the evil that has wounded us … Yet not judge the wounded soul through whom the evil comes.”

If any of these Sacred Scar Stories have encouraged you, consider picking up a copy of Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted.

About Cherie Denna

An award-winning writer, author, and speaker, Cherie Denna’s messages guide audiences toward belovedness in Jesus Christ in their everyday lives. You can find her writing on the Northern California coast with frothed coffee in hand or on an RV adventure with her purposed-mate husband. Join the Everyday Belonging Movement at www.cheriedenna.com.

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