How Disappointment Affects Your Mental Health, and How to Move Forward – Episode 387

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Dr. Michelle Bengtson and Rev. Jessica Van Roekel share how disappointment affects your mental health, and how to move forward.

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Episode Summary:

Have you ever found yourself asking, “God, what happened?”

Not because you’ve stopped believing. Not because you’ve lost your faith. But because life unfolded so differently than you expected that you’re still trying to make sense of it.

Perhaps you prayed faithfully for healing, but the diagnosis remained. Perhaps you believed a relationship would last, only to watch it fall apart. Perhaps you worked diligently toward a goal, only to have the opportunity slip through your fingers. Maybe you carried a dream for years—something you genuinely believed God had placed on your heart—and yet that dream never materialized.

One of the hardest realities of life is that sometimes our greatest pain comes not from what happened, but from what didn’t happen.

Disappointment has a unique kind of grief attached to it. It’s the grief of unmet expectations. It’s the grief of unanswered questions. It’s the grief of looking at your life and realizing it doesn’t resemble the picture you once carried in your heart.

What many people don’t realize is that disappointment affects far more than our emotions. It affects our thinking. It affects our stress levels. It affects our motivation. It affects our relationships. It affects our faith. And it even affects our brains.

In honor of the National Day of Encouragement, Rev. Jessica Van Roekel and I talk about what happens when expectations are shattered, why disappointment can become so emotionally heavy, and how we can move forward without becoming stuck in discouragement or cynicism.

If you’ve ever wrestled with a dream that didn’t happen, a prayer that seemed unanswered, or a season that didn’t unfold the way you hoped, this conversation is for you.

Quotables from the episode:

  • I think today’s topic touches every single listener because disappointment is one of those universal human experiences. We may experience different disappointments, but every one of us knows what it feels like to hope for something and then watch that hope collide with reality.
  • What I’ve noticed both professionally and personally is that disappointment often goes unrecognized. People come to me talking about anxiety, discouragement, sadness, irritability, emotional exhaustion, or even hopelessness. Yet when we begin exploring what’s underneath those emotions, we often discover disappointment sitting quietly at the root.
  • They’re disappointed in how a relationship turned out.
  • They’re disappointed in their circumstances.They’re disappointed with themselves. Sometimes they’re even disappointed with God, although they may not feel comfortable saying that out loud.
  • Many Christians especially struggle to admit disappointment because they fear it somehow reflects poorly on their faith. There’s almost this internal pressure that says, “If I trusted God enough, I wouldn’t feel disappointed.” And that’s simply not true. Disappointment isn’t evidence of weak faith. It’s evidence that you’re human.
  • The Bible is filled with faithful people who experienced disappointment. Scripture doesn’t hide their struggles. In fact, God preserved their stories precisely because He knew we’d need them.
  • When we read about Sarah waiting decades for a child, Joseph spending years in prison after receiving God’s promises, David hiding in caves after being anointed king, or Martha and Mary grieving because Jesus didn’t arrive when they thought He should, we’re seeing real people wrestling with real disappointment. God never condemned them for their pain. He met them in it.

Why Disappointment Hurts So Much

  • Let’s start with a question I think many listeners are asking. Why does disappointment hurt so much? Because on the surface it sounds relatively minor compared to other forms of suffering.
  • One reason disappointment hurts so deeply is because it almost always involves loss. The challenge is that we’re often grieving something intangible.
  • When someone dies, we recognize the loss immediately. When a relationship ends, we recognize the loss.
  • When a job disappears, we recognize the loss.But disappointment often involves grieving an anticipated future. We’re grieving what we thought would happen. We’re grieving what we expected. We’re grieving the story we imagined.
  • And because that future never actually existed in tangible form, people often don’t realize they’re grieving. Yet grief is exactly what’s taking place.
  • That’s such an important distinction. I’ve experienced seasons where I wasn’t grieving a person or an event. I was grieving an expectation. I was grieving the life I thought I’d have. And that grief felt confusing because there was nothing visible to point to.
  • That’s one reason disappointment can linger for years. People don’t give themselves permission to grieve it. They tell themselves, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “It wasn’t that big of a deal.” “Other people have it worse.”
  • But minimizing pain doesn’t heal pain. It simply buries it. And buried disappointment has a way of resurfacing later.
  • Sometimes it resurfaces as discouragement. Sometimes as resentment. Sometimes as anxiety. Sometimes as emotional numbness. But it rarely disappears on its own.

The Neuroscience of Disappointment

  • Let’s talk about what happens in the brain when expectations are shattered because I think understanding the neuroscience helps us stop judging ourselves for our reactions.
  • One of the primary functions of the brain is prediction. Our brains are constantly trying to anticipate what comes next.
  • Every experience, every memory, every pattern we’ve observed helps the brain create expectations about the future.
  • This process is actually designed to help us survive. The brain loves predictability because predictability creates a sense of safety. When things happen as expected, the brain feels stable.
  • But when reality dramatically differs from what we expected, the brain experiences disruption. Researchers sometimes refer to this as a prediction error. The brain essentially says, “Wait a minute. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
  • And the larger the gap between expectation and reality, the more emotionally significant that disruption becomes. Which explains why disappointment can feel so destabilizing.
  • Many people assume they’re overreacting when they’re disappointed. But neurologically, disappointment requires the brain to reorganize its understanding of reality.
  • Think about someone who expected to remain married for life. Or someone who expected their child to follow the Lord. Or someone who expected retirement to look a certain way. Their brains weren’t simply anticipating those outcomes—they were building future plans around those outcomes.
  • When those expectations collapse, the brain has to revise the entire picture. That’s mentally exhausting. It’s emotionally exhausting. And often it activates the brain’s stress response system.

When Disappointment Feels Like a Threat

  • One of the reasons disappointment affects mental health so significantly is because the brain often interprets major disappointment as a form of threat.
  • Now, we’re not talking about physical danger. We’re talking about emotional threat. The brain’s alarm system doesn’t always distinguish between physical and emotional pain as clearly as we might think.
  • Research has shown that emotional pain activates many of the same neural pathways involved in physical pain. That’s one reason disappointment can literally hurt.
  • People say things like: “My heart aches.” “I feel crushed.” “I feel broken.”
  • Those descriptions aren’t merely poetic. They’re describing genuine emotional distress that the brain is processing very seriously.
  • When disappointment is significant enough, stress hormones increase. Sleep may be disrupted. Concentration becomes more difficult. Motivation decreases. People may become more emotionally reactive.
  • All of those responses are normal. They’re signs that the brain is trying to adjust to a reality it wasn’t expecting.

Why Some Disappointments Stay With Us

  • Why do some disappointments seem to fade relatively quickly while others stay with us for years?
    Because some disappointments touch our identity. That’s where disappointment becomes particularly painful. If I expect a package to arrive and it’s delayed, I’m disappointed.
  • But if I expect my marriage to thrive, my ministry to flourish, my child to recover, or my calling to unfold a certain way, those disappointments strike much deeper because they’re connected to my sense of purpose, meaning, identity, and belonging.
  • The more personally significant the expectation, the more profound the disappointment tends to be. And if we’re not careful, we begin drawing conclusions about ourselves based on those disappointments.
  • We start asking questions like:
    • “What did I do wrong?”
    • “What’s wrong with me?”
    • “Why would God allow this?”
    • “Can I trust Him?”
  • Those questions aren’t merely emotional questions. They’re identity questions. They’re spiritual questions. And they require careful attention.

Biblical Examples of Disappointment

  • One thing I love about Scripture is that it refuses to sanitize human emotion. We often celebrate the victories of biblical figures while forgetting the disappointments they endured.
  • Consider Joseph. We know the ending of the story. We know he becomes second in command over Egypt. We know God redeems his suffering. But Joseph didn’t know any of that while sitting in prison.
  • Imagine the disappointment. He had received dreams from God. Yet everything happening around him seemed to contradict those dreams.
  • I suspect many listeners can relate to that feeling. They sensed God leading them. They believed God was working. And yet their circumstances seem to tell a completely different story.
  • I think of David as well. We read the story quickly, but years passed between his anointing and his coronation. Years of hiding. Years of uncertainty. Years of wondering.
  • And perhaps one of the most powerful examples is found in Martha and Mary. They sent word to Jesus that Lazarus was sick. And from their perspective, Jesus delayed.
  • Imagine what they must have been thinking. Surely, He would come. Surely, He would heal. Surely, He wouldn’t let Lazarus die. Yet Lazarus died. Their expectations were shattered.
  • And when Jesus finally arrived, Martha’s first words reveal her disappointment: “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.”
  • That’s disappointment. That’s grief.
  • That’s confusion.And Jesus didn’t rebuke her. He met her in her sorrow. He listened. He comforted. He revealed a larger story she couldn’t yet see.
  • And I think that’s an important reminder for our listeners. Sometimes we are living in the middle of a story whose ending we cannot yet see.
  • I think one of the reasons this conversation resonates so deeply is because every listener can identify at least one disappointment that still feels tender. For some, it’s recent and fresh. For others, it’s decades old. Yet regardless of how long ago it occurred, disappointment has a way of convincing us that our future will look exactly like our past. That’s one of the greatest dangers of disappointment. It doesn’t just affect how we view yesterday—it affects how we imagine tomorrow.
  • One of the things disappointment tends to steal first is anticipation. When we’ve been hurt repeatedly, when we’ve prayed prayers that seem unanswered, or when we’ve watched important dreams fall apart, we often stop expecting good things. We may continue functioning. We may continue serving. We may continue going through the motions of faith.
  • But inwardly we’ve stopped anticipating God’s goodness. We begin approaching life with caution rather than expectancy. Instead of wondering what God might do, we find ourselves bracing for what might go wrong. And over time, that posture becomes emotionally exhausting because we were never created to live in a constant state of self-protection.
  • That’s such an important observation because from a neuroscience perspective, the brain learns from experience. If disappointment occurs repeatedly, the brain begins creating what we might call protective predictions. Rather than anticipating positive outcomes, it starts preparing for negative ones.
  • This isn’t because the brain is defective. It’s because the brain is trying to keep us safe. The challenge is that what protects us from disappointment can also prevent us from embracing hope. We become reluctant to trust, reluctant to dream, reluctant to risk, and sometimes even reluctant to pray boldly because we’re trying to avoid experiencing that same pain again.
  • One of the things I often explain to patients is that the brain’s primary goal is not happiness. Its primary goal is survival. Safety. Predictability. Certainty. Yet faith often requires us to move forward without certainty. Faith requires us to trust God’s character even when outcomes remain unknown.
  • That’s where disappointment creates such tension. Our brains crave certainty, but our faith requires trust. Learning to navigate that tension is an important part of emotional and spiritual maturity.

Why Healing Begins With Honest Grief

  • If someone listening today realizes they’re carrying unresolved disappointment, where does healing actually begin?
  • Healing begins with honesty. That may sound simplistic, but it’s remarkably important. Many believers have become skilled at minimizing disappointment. They tell themselves they should be over it by now. They tell themselves they should be stronger. They tell themselves they should simply move on. But healing doesn’t occur through denial. Healing occurs through acknowledgment. We cannot surrender something to God that we’re unwilling to admit exists.
  • One of the most powerful truths I learned years ago is that God never asks us to pretend. He never asks us to call pain something other than pain. Throughout Scripture we see individuals bringing their disappointment honestly before Him. David did not hide his discouragement. Jeremiah did not hide his confusion. Habakkuk did not hide his questions. Even Jesus expressed anguish in Gethsemane. Honest emotion is not the enemy of faith. In many ways, honest emotion becomes the doorway through which deeper faith develops.
  • I think some listeners have spent years trying to outrun their disappointment. They’ve stayed busy. They’ve immersed themselves in work. They’ve focused on caring for everyone else. But what they haven’t done is grieve. And grief is often the first step toward healing. Whether the disappointment involves a broken relationship, a lost opportunity, a health challenge, an unanswered prayer, or a dream that never materialized, we have to acknowledge the loss before we can move forward from it.
  • That’s especially important because many disappointments involve invisible losses. No one sees them. No one attends a funeral for them. Yet they’re still losses. A woman who hoped for children and never became a mother experiences loss. A man whose career ended unexpectedly experiences loss. Someone who dreamed of a thriving marriage but now finds themselves alone experiences loss. These losses may not always be visible to others, but they’re very real to the person carrying them.
  • And one of the reasons invisible losses can linger so long is because they’re often unacknowledged. When grief isn’t expressed, it tends to settle deeper. It influences our emotions, our relationships, and our expectations.
  • That’s why giving language to disappointment can be so healing. Sometimes emotional healing begins with a simple prayer: “Lord, this hurt more than I’ve admitted. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I’m grieving what I thought would be.” That kind of honesty creates space for God to meet us.

Renewing the Mind After Disappointment

  • Another critical aspect of healing involves renewing our minds. Disappointment doesn’t merely affect our emotions. It also affects our thought patterns. After significant disappointment, people often begin adopting beliefs that feel true but aren’t actually true. They may conclude that God has forgotten them.
    They may believe nothing good will ever happen again. They may assume every future opportunity will end the same way previous opportunities ended. These conclusions feel convincing because they’re rooted in pain. Yet pain is not always an accurate interpreter of reality.
  • This is where neuroscience and Scripture beautifully intersect. Neuroscience teaches us that the brain remains capable of change throughout life. We call this neuroplasticity. The brain is constantly forming, strengthening, and modifying neural pathways based on repeated thoughts and experiences.
  • Scripture communicates a remarkably similar principle when it talks about renewing the mind. Romans 12:2 reminds us not to be conformed to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. In other words, transformation involves changing how we think.
  • That doesn’t mean ignoring disappointment. It doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful. It means refusing to allow disappointment to become the lens through which we interpret everything else. It means learning to recognize when disappointment is speaking louder than truth.
  • That can be a process. Sometimes people think renewing the mind means repeating a Bible verse a few times and immediately feeling better. But often it’s a daily decision to challenge thoughts that aren’t aligned with God’s truth.
  • Healing rarely happens instantly. More often it happens gradually. Every time we choose truth over fear, every time we choose trust over cynicism, every time we choose hope over despair, we’re strengthening new pathways. We’re teaching our minds to focus on God’s faithfulness rather than solely on our disappointments.

Rebuilding Hope After Disappointment

  • Let’s talk specifically about hope because I think many listeners are wondering whether hope is even possible after repeated disappointment.
  • I understand that question. In fact, I think many people secretly wonder if hope is worth the risk. They’ve been disappointed so many times that hope feels dangerous. Yet biblical hope is very different from wishful thinking. Hope is not confidence that everything will unfold exactly as we want. Hope is confidence that God remains faithful regardless of how circumstances unfold.
  • One of the reasons disappointment becomes so devastating is because we often place our hope in specific outcomes. We hope a relationship will work. We hope a diagnosis will improve. We hope a prayer will be answered in a particular way. When that outcome doesn’t occur, hope feels shattered. But biblical hope was never intended to rest on outcomes. It was intended to rest on God’s character.
  • That’s why Scripture repeatedly points us back to who God is rather than merely what God does. His character remains constant. His goodness remains constant. His presence remains constant. His love remains constant. And because those things remain unchanged, hope remains possible even when circumstances disappoint us.
  • That’s such an important distinction because many people assume hope means expecting a particular result. But biblical hope is deeper than that. It’s trusting God even when we don’t know what the result will be.
  • Hope isn’t certainty about the future. It’s confidence in the One who holds the future.

A Final Word of Encouragement

  • As we begin wrapping up today’s conversation, I want to speak directly to the listener who feels disappointed. Maybe you’re disappointed by circumstances. Maybe you’re disappointed by people. Maybe you’re disappointed by yourself. Perhaps you’re even wrestling with disappointment toward God.
  • Friend, disappointment may be part of your story, but it is not the end of your story.
  • One of the beautiful truths woven throughout Scripture is that God consistently works in situations that appear hopeless. He works through delays. He works through detours. He works through disappointments. He works through circumstances that make no sense from a human perspective. Again and again, we see Him bringing redemption out of situations that initially looked like failure.
  • Joseph thought prison was the end of the story. It wasn’t. David thought the cave might be the end of the story. It wasn’t. Martha and Mary thought death was the end of the story. It wasn’t.
  • And whatever disappointment you’re facing today may not be the end of your story either.
  • You may not understand what God is doing. You may not see the purpose yet. You may not have answers to all your questions. But the absence of understanding does not mean the absence of God’s activity. He is often working in ways we cannot yet see.
  • Friend, if today’s conversation resonated with you, we encourage you to spend some time with the Lord this week and honestly bring your disappointments to Him. Don’t minimize them. Don’t hide them. Don’t assume they don’t matter. If they matter to you, they matter to Him.
  • And remember this: disappointment doesn’t have to become despair. God is able to meet you in your disappointment, heal what has been wounded, renew what has become weary, and restore hope where hope feels lost.

 

Recommended Resources: (If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).

 

Disappointment can leave you grieving what you thought would happen. Learn how it affects your mental health, brain, and faith, and how to move forward with renewed hope. Share on X Why can disappointment feel so emotionally heavy? Learn what happens in your brain when expectations are shattered and how faith, truth, and hope can help you move forward. Share on X

 

Social Media Links for Host and Co-Host:

Connect with Co-Host Reverend Jessica Van Roekel:

Website / Instagram / Facebook

 

For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

Order Book Sacred Scars / Order book The Hem of His Garment / Order book Today is Going to be a Good Day / Order Book Breaking Anxiety’s Grip / Order Book Hope Prevails  / Order Book Hope Prevails Bible Study /  Website  /  Blog  /  Facebook / Twitter (@DrMBengtson)  /  LinkedIn  /  Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube / Podcast on Apple

 

About Co-Host Rev. Jessica Van Roekel:

Jessica Van Roekel, authorJessica Van Roekel is a worship leader, speaker, and writer who believes that through Jesus, personal histories don’t need to define the present or determine the future. She inspires, encourages, and equips others to look at life through the lenses of hope, trust, and God’s transforming grace. Jessica lives in rural Iowa surrounded by wide open spaces which remind her of God’s expansive love. She loves fun earrings, good coffee, and connecting with others.

 

 

 

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Ashton Bengtson

 

When disappointment leaves you questioning what happened, you don’t have to stay stuck in discouragement. Learn how unmet expectations affect your brain, mental health, and faith, and find biblical, practical ways to process the grief, renew your mind, and rebuild hope. Listen to learn how to move forward with greater hope and trust in God. SAVE this for encouragement when life doesn’t go as you hoped.

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