My husband practically whispered it. “Honey, I don’t know what to do to help you right now.”
“I don’t know either.”
I think back on those horrible days I spent fighting to get out of my own dark well. Nothing else hurts that bad. I’m brought back to it every single time I hear someone else is fighting their own demons of depression.
As a psychologist, I’m often asked, “What can I do to help my spouse/child/friend who is depressed?”
While the answer of every person suffering through depression might be a tad different, in my experience, the answer always comes back to the need to feel loved, accepted, and not alone.
One thing to keep in mind is that depression is no respecter of persons…no one is immune. It has been estimated that by 2020, depression will be our greatest epidemic worldwide. So in loving your depressed loved one, know that even if you cannot personally relate to their struggle, their struggle is not uncommon or unique. Even in the Bible, Elijah, Jonah, Jeremiah, David, and certainly Job struggled.
Do not suggest they “snap out of it,” or “pull themselves up by their boot straps.” About the worst thing you can do is to convey in your words, attitudes, beliefs, or behavior that your perception is that they can control it. Believe me, if they could “snap out of it,” they would. No one likes feeling depressed.
Realize that depression is not just the blues. Accurate diagnosis is essential. Depression is a medical disorder that without appropriate treatment can last anywhere from a couple weeks to many years. Encourage your loved one to go to an appointment to see their doctor.
Depression can make the simplest tasks, like taking your vitamins, feel like it takes too much energy. Recognize you may have to make the appointment and take them to the doctor or it may not happen. If they do not have a primary care doctor, consider an appointment at a community mental health center.
Recognize that depression leads to increased risk of suicidal thoughts. If your loved one is considering suicide, a call to the 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Hotline may be necessary: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If they are in imminent danger, you may need to call the 911 or the local authorities.
Likewise, encourage them to remain active but don’t expect them to take on too much. Celebrate their successes, no matter how small. Getting out of bed and getting dressed can be a huge accomplishment at times.
Make plans with them. Take a walk with them or engage them in a favorite activity. The individual battling depression also battles decreased energy, decreased interest, and decreased motivation. Without encouragement to engage, they will often become increasingly isolated and lethargic. And without the presence of a loving companion, they withdraw into the dark oblivion of loneliness.
Remain encouraging and positive, but avoid platitudes. People suffering through depression can sniff out disingenuousness a mile away. When you don’t know what to say, just listen and be willing to say, “I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I knew what to say.” That will mean more than preaching, or pretending you can relate to their pain when you can’t.
Ask them how you can pray for them. Even in Christian circles it can come across as a disingenuous cliché to tell someone we are praying for them. But asking them “How can I pray for you?” shows your desire to be supportive. Then, by all means, pray for them.
Be willing to just sit and be with them. Oftentimes, we try to fill uncomfortable silence with meaningless conversation. That can be exhausting to you and to your depressed loved one. Take a lesson from the book of Job in the Bible. Show your support by just being with your loved one, sitting with them, letting them be exactly who they are in the moment.
If they are open to it (and not all are!), offer a heartfelt hug. Human touch is a powerful thing. Sometimes more is conveyed through an unrushed hug than could ever be eloquently put into words.
Above all, convey there is always hope.
Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Hope Prevails Book and Hope Prevails Bible Study {hope for overcoming depression}
Available now through book retailers!
Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression and the new companion Hope Prevails Bible Study help the reader understand: how depression comes to be, recover their joy, reclaim their peace, and re-establish their true identity, while knowing their worth, remembering their secure destiny, and being confident that nothing separates them from God’s love.
(Photo Compliments of Sue Schwabauer Hoeksema)
Excellent post. I am familiar with depression for my husband has struggled with it for years. Thank you for opening up yourself and letting us see a close-up of what it looks like as well as hearing what helps and what does NOT help when dealing with a depressed person.
My hope is that this helps someone else. It’s a terrible feeling not knowing what to do or how to help. And often, the person suffering through depression doesn’t know what to tell others to do to help. Thanks for stopping by Anne.
I needed this. My daughter has Major Depression and Major anxiety. It is so bad we had to homeschool her this year. She’s gone inpatient twice and as they say on the interwebs, the struggle is real. This is a great reminder that our support is so critical. I know depression is exhausting, but so is being the caretaker of someone who is depressed. This encourages us to keep going.
Oh Dayna, my heart hurts for you and your daughter. Depression is such a heart-wrenching condition for the person suffering, and for the family. I hope today’s posts encourage you in practical things you can do to help, while keeping in mind, it’s not your responsibility to “fix it.” While I don’t normally blog this frequently, my goal is to provide many posts this month to equip people to make it through the holidays despite depression. Love. Grace. Repeat. You’ll be in my prayers.
Thank you, dear Michelle, for addressing a topic which can be such a mystery.. I have learned much reading your blogs. My hope is in Jesus Christ. Many times I have read the scriptures, particularly, Psalms, out loud and rehearsed them over and over again so I could hear my own voice. In doing so the Word of God has lifted me out of many discouragements, set backs and hopeless mindsets. .
Margie, you’ve tapped into a key component of making it through depression or the blues, as well as helping others who suffer. Being in the Word and letting God meet you where you are is vital! Thanks for that affirmation.
Hello Michelle, thank you for sharing this post! Bringing compassion and empathy to this topic and the individuals going through this is so important. As a coach, it is great for me to know of people that I can have as references when I meet clients who are experiencing depression.
Thanks for sharing part of your story. You are right no one is immuned against depression so we should be ready to help others
Too many in this situation today. It is just so hard so thanks Michelle for your post here! Appreciate the helps.
Thanks Kimberly. It is very hard-either being the one suffering with depression, or watching a loved one suffer. My desire is that this site will offer practical help and hope for all concerned. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you’ll check back often!
Thanks for sharing. This topic is so relevant today and I appreciate you speaking through experience. I look forward to more posts on this subject. I may reference you in one of my blog posts. I hope that is okay. You have some great insight into an area that is hard for people to talk about and finally admit they are depressed. Blessings! 🙂
Diane, depression isn’t going away, so my desire is to offer folks practical information to help weather the storm as more and more people suffer. I’m posting more this month than usual to help prepare people for the holidays. Feel free to reference this site to anyone you think might benefit. I hope you’ll stop back by often.
Yes, I will. I just wrote post and it wasn’t as detailed as yours, but I have gotten a few responses on the side. Thanks for your response and look forward to seeing more from you!!
Thank you for sharing this. I remember the first time that I struggled with depression, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I didn’t know that it was more than “just” prolonged sadness, that I couldn’t just “snap out of it”. I needed help and so glad that I did. Thanks for how you help people.
Thanks for stopping by Mary Lou. It’s common that people don’t initially know what they are dealing with…that just makes us feel worse. My goal is to help people know they aren’t alone and there is help!
Fantastic article Michelle! I not only worked with people who are depressed, but I often find that my friends or family members are suffering in silence. I love your sweet words of comfort and I agree that knowing there is Hope is essential.
Kathy, depression is occurring in alarming rates, but as you point out so accurately, many suffer in silence because of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. All we can rest on is the Hope that is eternal.
“I’m brought back to it every single time I hear someone else is fighting their own demons of depression.” —> very powerful words! I am amazed by the power of memories to not only take you back but to help you empathize with others.
Looking forward to reading more from you!
Blessings of Peace, Jody
Jody, truthfully, I’m not always thankful for the painful memories, but I’m learning to be more grateful, as it breeds compassion. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
Thank you for the encouraging words!
Danita, I’m so thankful you found them encouraging. I’m glad you stopped by and hope you’ll stop by again sometime. Blessings!
Wonderful tips to help the depressed. Many people don’t know what do or just do not consider depression an illness, which puts pressure on the person undergoing the malady.
Dr Michelle, This is very helpful. More often than not, I am at a loss as to what to say or do to help them out. I really liked that you gave practical tips too and I am sure that seeing a doctor is of paramount importance.
Glad you found this helpful Mary and Amy. You may also find Saturday and Sunday’s posts this week helpful as they addressed both what NOT to say and what TO say to help a depressed loved one. Thanks for stopping by.
Michelle, this is so needed. As you said, depression is growing at an alarming rate. I’ve also read many times that it helps the one who is depressed to reach out and do someone for others. If possible. Wonderful post. Thank you!
Lynn, you are right. It does often help the depressed individual to reach out and help others. Sometimes that’s difficult in the depths of despair, but it helps refocus their attention off the bad in their situation and onto others. Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I hope I’ll see you back here soon!
Dr. Michelle-My husband has suffered with depression for the 13 years we have been together and many more before that. When he is depressed he views me as the enemy, so any time I try to reach out he views it as manipulative, controlling, etc. He pushes me away! I have grown in my relationship with God so as to not take it personal! He has been abused and manipulated by his mother and ex wife, is it possible that the depression could be part of his anger and hatred toward women?? Many times the things I do are twisted so that he becomes the victim…I have also researched Borderline Personality disorder!!! Thanks for your thoughts!!!
This is such a wonderful message for me as I seek to encourage and help those I love with depression and also for me as I seek not to ever go there, into depression, again. You see my mom was depressed my whole childhood and even all her life in some capacity and I also went through depression for a period in my 40’s. I believe mine was hormone induced but it was still depression and I took medication. I love all your points of how to help. So needed. I know you speak from your expertise and also from personal testimony which is what makes your insights and helps so valuable and so needed. Thank you for sharing from your journey and your pain. I am a life that has been impacted greatly. I love you Michelle!
Would “Hope Prevails” be a good devotional or study for my 14 year old son that has depression or for us to do together? Or do you have a suggestion that would be more appropriate for him?
Tammy, I would suggest working through Hope Prevails and the Hope Prevails Bible Study together at the same time with him. It will definitely help him better understand who God says he is and the power he has!