How to Help a Loved One Who Is Struggling with PTSD: What to Do and What Not to Do – Episode 374

by | Podcast | 0 comments

Dr. Michelle Bengtson and Rev. Jessica Van Roekel share how to help a loved one who is struggling with PTSD.

Listen to the podcast below and on your favorite platform or Watch on YouTube:

   Listen to Your Hope-Filled Perspective on LifeAudio 

 

 

Episode Summary:

When someone you love is living with PTSD, it can leave you feeling helpless, confused, and afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. You want to help—but what if your well-intended words make things worse?

In honor of PTSD Awareness Month, Rev. Jessica Van Roekel and I address the questions so many caregivers, spouses, friends, and family members quietly ask: How do I support someone with PTSD? What helps? What hurts? And how do I walk with them without losing myself? This conversation offers practical guidance, psychological insight, and biblical hope for anyone loving someone through trauma.

On a recent episode of Your Hope-Filled Perspective, I offered an episode discussing Understanding PTSD: What it Is, What It Isn’t, and How God Meets Us in the Aftermath of Trauma. We are continuing this important discussion with How to Help a Loved One Who Is Struggling with PTSD: What to Do and What Not to Do.”

Quotables from the episode:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder doesn’t just affect the person who experienced the trauma—it impacts everyone who loves them. If you’ve ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells, unsure how to respond to a loved one’s mood changes, triggers, withdrawal, or emotional shutdown, this episode is for you. In recognition of PTSD Awareness Month, today on Your Hope-Filled Perspective, we are going to address a topic that affects far more people than we often realize. We will unpack what it really looks like to help a loved one who is struggling with PTSD—what to do, what not to do, and how God meets both the wounded and those who walk beside them in the aftermath of trauma.

And if you’re listening today because someone you love has been changed by trauma—and you’re not sure how to support them without making things worse—this episode is for you. As I’ve thought about this episode, and the importance it holds not only for those struggling with PTSD, but also the loved ones who care for them, I’m reminded of Romans 15:1 – “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” I see this verse as call to compassionate, sacrificial support without judgment.

I was thinking of the truth in Isaiah 42:3 – “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” God’s gentleness toward the traumatized sets the model for our support. PTSD doesn’t just affect the person who experienced trauma. It impacts relationships, families, marriages, friendships, and even faith communities. Today we’re going to talk about what actually helps, what unintentionally hurts, and how God meets both the traumatized and those who walk alongside them.

PART 1: PTSD AFFECTS RELATIONSHIPS TOO

Let’s start right where many of our listeners live. Some say, “The trauma happened to my loved one—but it feels like it changed our relationship.” From a clinical perspective, why does PTSD affect the way someone shows up with the people they love?

That’s such an important question, because it helps remove a lot of confusion and self-blame. Clinically speaking, PTSD is not a character issue or a lack of effort—it’s a nervous system injury. Trauma changes how the brain and body respond to perceived danger.

When someone experiences trauma, the brain’s alarm system—the amygdala—becomes overactive. It starts scanning constantly for threat, even when no danger is present. At the same time, the parts of the brain responsible for reasoning, emotional regulation, and relational connection don’t function as efficiently.

So, what looks like withdrawal, irritability, or emotional distance in a relationship is often the brain doing its best to keep the person safe—even when that protection creates distance from the people they care about most.

So, when a spouse or family member says, “They’re just not the same anymore,” that’s not imagined?

No, it’s very real. Trauma changes how someone experiences the world—and how safe connection feels. But the key thing I want listeners to hear is this: change does not mean broken beyond repair. The brain is wounded, but it’s also capable of healing.

Explaining Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

People hear terms like fight or flight, but they don’t always know what that looks like in real life. Walk us through how those trauma responses show up relationally?

This is so helpful for loved ones to understand. When the brain perceives danger, it automatically activates survival responses. These responses happen before logic kicks in.

Fight can look like irritability, anger, defensiveness, or quick emotional reactions. A loved one may seem argumentative or easily frustrated—not because they want conflict, but because their nervous system is braced for threat.

Flight often shows up as avoidance. They may pull away from conversations, cancel plans, overwork, stay busy, or emotionally check out. Avoidance is the brain’s attempt to escape anything that feels overwhelming.

Freeze is when the nervous system shuts down. This can look like emotional numbness, silence, dissociation, or a blank stare. Loved ones often say, “It’s like they’re here, but not really here.”

And there’s also fawn, which is less talked about. Fawn responses involve people-pleasing, over-apologizing, or minimizing their own needs to keep the peace. It’s a survival strategy rooted in fear of conflict or abandonment.

When we name trauma responses accurately, we reduce shame and increase compassion.

Hypervigilance and Emotional Numbing

Hypervigilance means the nervous system is stuck on high alert. The person may be easily startled, sensitive to noise, tone of voice, facial expressions, or sudden changes.

For loved ones, this can feel confusing because something small—like a door slamming or a comment said casually—can trigger a big reaction. But again, that reaction isn’t about the present moment. It’s about past danger being re-experienced in the body.

On the other end of the spectrum, we often see emotional numbing. This is when the brain dampens emotional experience altogether. Joy, affection, excitement—even love—can feel muted. Loved ones may interpret this as indifference, but it’s actually the brain trying to protect itself from emotional overload.

Trauma doesn’t selectively numb—it blunts across the board.

Relational Withdrawal and Loss of Trust

One of the most painful things for supporters is feeling pushed away. Why does PTSD often lead to relational withdrawal?
Because trauma disrupts trust—both trust in others and trust in oneself. Relationships require vulnerability, and vulnerability feels dangerous to a traumatized nervous system.

Relational withdrawal is often an unconscious attempt to maintain safety. If I don’t get close, I can’t be hurt. Unfortunately, that protective strategy can leave loved ones feeling rejected or shut out, even though the desire for connection is still there underneath the trauma.

Reframing for Loved Ones

If you could give loved ones one clinical reframe that could change how they interpret these behaviors, what would it be?
I would say this: PTSD behaviors are not about a lack of love—they’re about a lack of felt safety.

When supporters understand that, it shifts the question from “Why are they doing this to me?” to “What might their nervous system be experiencing right now?” That shift alone can transform how we respond.

PART 2: WHAT HELPS — THE DO’S

I would say the most important place to start is with presence over problem-solving. Clinically, a regulated nervous system helps regulate another nervous system. You don’t have to fix the trauma—you can’t—but your calm, consistent presence communicates safety.

DO #1: Offer Presence, Not Pressure
That’s hard for helpers, because we want to do something. Presence is so powerful from a brain-based perspective because safety is the foundation of healing. When someone sits with a traumatized person without demanding explanations, timelines, or solutions, the brain begins to downshift out of survival mode.

Simply saying, “I’m here with you,” or “You don’t have to go through this alone,” activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the part of the body responsible for rest, connection, and repair.

DO #2: Validate Without Trying to Fix
Validation is something we talk about often, but it can feel awkward. Validation means acknowledging someone’s emotional experience without trying to change it. It sounds like, “That makes sense,” or “I can see how painful that is.” Validation does not mean you agree with every perception—it means you honor their experience. From a neurological standpoint, validation quiets the brain’s alarm system and reduces emotional intensity.

DO #3: Learn Their Triggers and Early Warning Signs
Triggers are often misunderstood. Triggers are sensory or emotional cues that remind the brain of past danger. They’re not logical, and they’re not chosen.

When loved ones learn triggers collaboratively—asking gentle questions like, “What tends to make things harder?”—it fosters teamwork instead of shame. It also allows supporters to notice early signs of dysregulation and intervene with calm rather than reacting in frustration.

DO #4: Encourage Professional Help With Gentleness
Healthy encouragement sounds like curiosity, not ultimatums. Saying, “Would you be open to talking with someone who understands trauma?” keeps agency intact.

Clinically, healing happens best when help feels chosen. Forced treatment often increases resistance and fear, especially for trauma survivors who already feel a loss of control.

DO #5: Pray in Ways That Regulate, Not Overwhelm
Prayer should feel encouraging, not pressuring. Keep it simple. Ask permission. Pray for safety, peace, and God’s nearness—not quick fixes.
From a trauma-informed faith perspective, prayer should mirror God’s gentleness. Scripture tells us He does not break the bruised reed—and neither should we.

PART 3: WHAT HURTS — THE DON’TS

Now let’s talk about the harder side of this—what unintentionally causes harm. The most common mistakes come from misunderstanding trauma. Let’s walk through a few that listeners may recognize—and release guilt around.

DON’T #1: Minimize, Compare, or Rush Healing
Phrases like “It could have been worse” or “Just try to move on” can be so damaging because those statements minimize the nervous system’s reality. Trauma healing doesn’t follow a timeline—it follows safety.

When healing is rushed, shame increases. The person learns, “My pain is inconvenient.” That belief alone can deepen symptoms and relational distance.

DON’T #2: Take Trauma Responses Personally
Loved ones ones avoid internalizing PTSD behaviors by remembering that trauma responses are about perceived threat—not rejection. When a loved one withdraws, snaps, or shuts down, it’s not a reflection of how much they love you. It’s a reflection of how unsafe their nervous system feels in that moment.

DON’T #3: Force Disclosure or Emotional Processing
Healing requires choice. Forcing disclosure can re-traumatize someone by removing their sense of control. Clinically, trauma processing happens best in safe, structured environments—not under relational pressure.

DON’T #4: Try to Be Their Therapist or Savior
Helpers often slide into this role without realizing it—and it’s unsustainable. Loved ones are not equipped to hold trauma narratives without support. Trying to be everything can lead to burnout, resentment, and secondary trauma.

DON’T #5: Spiritually Bypass Pain
Spiritual bypassing uses Scripture or faith language to avoid emotional pain. Phrases like “Just pray more” or “God works all things for good”—while true—can silence grief when spoken too soon. God never bypasses pain. He enters it. And our support should do the same.

I want you to remember this: Loving someone with PTSD is not about doing everything right—it’s about doing your best with compassion.

Understanding trauma helps us respond with grace—for them and for ourselves.

Scripture References:

  • Romans 15:1 “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.”
  • Isaiah 42:3 “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.”
  • Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

 

Recommended Resources: (If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).

 

PTSD behaviors are often misunderstood. What looks like withdrawal, irritability, or emotional distance may actually be a nervous system trying to stay safe. Lissten now for how to respond with greater understanding and compassion. Share on X When someone you love has PTSD, it's easy to feel helpless. Listen now to learn what to do, what not to do, and how to offer support that promotes healing instead of unintentionally causing harm. Share on X

 

Social Media Links for Host and Co-Host:

Connect with Co-Host Reverend Jessica Van Roekel:

Website / Instagram / Facebook

 

For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

Order Book Sacred Scars / Order book The Hem of His Garment / Order book Today is Going to be a Good Day / Order Book Breaking Anxiety’s Grip / Order Book Hope Prevails  / Order Book Hope Prevails Bible Study /  Website  /  Blog  /  Facebook / Twitter (@DrMBengtson)  /  LinkedIn  /  Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube / Podcast on Apple

 

About Co-Host Rev. Jessica Van Roekel:

Jessica Van Roekel, authorJessica Van Roekel is a worship leader, speaker, and writer who believes that through Jesus, personal histories don’t need to define the present or determine the future. She inspires, encourages, and equips others to look at life through the lenses of hope, trust, and God’s transforming grace. Jessica lives in rural Iowa surrounded by wide open spaces which remind her of God’s expansive love. She loves fun earrings, good coffee, and connecting with others.

 

 

 

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Ashton Bengtson

 

When someone you love has PTSD, it can be difficult to know what helps and what hurts. Learn how trauma affects relationships, discover practical ways to offer support, and find encouragement for navigating PTSD with compassion, wisdom, and hope. Get help understanding what to do and what not to do when supporting a loved one through trauma.

 

Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
Email

Leave a Reply

Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
Email