Parenting is one of the most fulfilling and challenging roles in life, and it doesn’t stop when our children reach adulthood. In fact, parenting adult children can be just as difficult, if not more so, as we navigate the changing dynamics of our relationship with them. In this post, Mary DeMuth explores some of the key themes from her book, Love, Pray, Listen, and how they can help us find joy and purpose in parenting our adult kids.
This week on the Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast, Mary shared more encouragement on how to parent adult children when they choose a different path. If you missed that podcast, you can listen here: Adult Children: How To Parent When They Choose a Different Path – Episode 213
Be sure to read to the end for a book giveaway!
(If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).
Love, Pray, Listen: Finding Joy and Purpose in Parenting Adult Kids
By Mary DeMuth
When you lament the choices your adult kids are making, it helps to remember the story of the first humans, Adam and Eve. We continue to experience the aftermath of their rebellion, but God’s reaction is noteworthy and frames the hopeful message of this book. Adam and Eve rebelled, but . . .
God loved them still.
He interceded for their nakedness by covering them with animal skins.
He asked them, “Where are you?” then listened.
God loved.
God interceded.
God listened.
Love, pray, listen.
This is how our God parented wayward adult children.
Still, the human race gave rise to violent behavior that culminated in a worldwide flood of judgment, then a chosen people who rebelled far more often than they obeyed. This willful rebellion took eons to atone for in the form a Perfect Son who self-sacrificed for the sake of us all who daily fight back stubbornness and pride like an ever-multiplying cancer.
The truth: God’s children rebelled. Ours will too. We do too.
We are all in need of the grace of Jesus Christ. There is no hierarchy in the kingdom. Parents aren’t better than children or closer in line to the mountaintop. In fact, when I finally realized that parenting isn’t about me, but about my deepening relationship with Jesus, I found that level place.
When my children played under our roof, it was often them who taught me about the kindness and compassion of God. When I failed them (and I often did), I had the beautiful opportunity to exercise my humble muscle and ask for forgiveness—which brought us close together and further revealed my need for Jesus. We moved from high control (the baby and toddler years), to working our way out of a job (low control), slowly releasing our grip, teaching responsibility, then moving from hovering to emancipating.
Parenting, then, is an excruciating exercise in letting go.
Our children were never ours.
They were and are God’s.
We had the holy privilege of stewarding them for eighteen years, and now we have the joy of watching them fly on their own. Yes, some sputter and fall. Yes, some flit from nest to nest. Yes, some settle into deep pits. We cannot fix them, grow for them, restore what their decisions have broken, or intervene in their learning process.
What can we do?
We can welcome change for ourselves—by loving, praying, and listening.
We can find joy in Jesus today, despite whether or not our ducks waddle into the rows we pre-assigned to them.
Several years ago, I faced a difficult confrontation with a friend. I worried about our upcoming conversation and played it all out in my head. A hyper-vigilant sort, I imagined every wrong thing that could result from our interaction, secretly hoping none of that would happen and we’d end with a hug and sweet reconciliation.
My worst fears came true—and more. I processed the whole scenario with a wise mentor, sure that God had asked me to talk to my friend for her sake. It was her sin, after all, that I was confronting. My mentor looked at me and asked a simple question: “What if this isn’t about her but about what God wants to do in your life?”
In the moment I had no response. Internally, I disbelieved the premise of her question. This wasn’t about me; it was certainly about my friend. But my mentor’s words had a redemptive, winsome way about them. Her question kept circling back in my mind, waking me up at night. What if this was about what God wanted to do in my life? Something shifted in me then, a pause then a knowing recognition that God’s purposes and plans loomed far bigger than my black-and-white mind had imagined them. His was a nuanced plan that involved everyone—both my friend and me.
That question is one we parents must ask ourselves as our adult kids make their way in the world. What if their behavior and decisions are not about them, per se, but part of God’s refining of us? Could their actions be the impetus for our knees hitting the floor? Could their distance usher in the closeness of Jesus?
I believe that to be true.
Love, Pray, Listen isn’t a book about parenting. It’s a book about joyful living.
It’s about exploring the way of Jesus, watching how he loved and trained his disciples, and then set them on their feet to reach a dying world. He poured into them then let them go, while he ardently pursued the mission entrusted to him.
Sadly, once children leave home, many parents feel the drift of missionlessness, as if their job is completed, and they have lost direction and purpose. Yet Jesus fulfilled his most important purpose after his high priestly prayer (where he commissioned his followers). Friend, our lives are not over after discipling and training our children; they are only beginning. There is joy, purpose and adventure when we make it our aim to love, pray, and listen to our adult children.
What has helped you in parenting your adult children? We’d love to hear in the comments below.
Excerpt from Love, Pray, Listen: Parenting Your Wayward Adult Kids with Joy by Mary DeMuth; (© 2022), used with permission from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group. (http://www.bakerpublishinggroup.com)
Above Mary DeMuth
Mary DeMuth is an international speaker, a podcaster, and the author of over forty books, fiction and nonfiction, including The Day I Met Jesus. Through God’s healing, Mary has overcome a difficult past to become an authentic example of what it means to live a brand-new story. She loves to help others “re-story” their lives through the books she writes. Mary lives in Texas with her husband of 30 years and is Mom to three adult children.
Connect with Mary: Website / Instagram / Twitter / Facebook / Pinterest / Podcast
Book Giveaway
In conjunction with this post and the podcast interview, Mary is giving away a free copy of her book Love, Pray, Listen: Parenting Your Wayward Adult Kids with Joy.
Leave a comment below sharing with us one thing you learned about parenting adult kids and you will be entered into the contest for your chance to win a copy of her book.
You could also share this blog post on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter then comment here to tell us where you shared it and you’ll also be entered into the drawing.
The winner will be selected at random and announced next Monday, May 22, 2023. Continental United States only.
One thing I learned about parenting adult children is that it’s more difficult than parenting them when they were younger. They have societal pressures which lead them from the narrow path to the wider path of destructive behaviors even though they don’t see it.
Lynn, my husband have had conversations exactly to your point: it IS harder to parent young adults than it is children. We don’t want them to make mistakes or face heartache, but we have to let them go so they can learn.
I think one of the toughest things I’ve learned as a parent is to let my kids make their own mistakes. Our instinct is to protect them. But they need to make their own choices (hopefully they will be open to some guidance from Mom and Dad) and we, as parents have to let them fail at times and, of course, rejoice when they succeed.
Alison, that’s a big lesson for all of us. As parents, we care, and you’re right: we want to protect them. But they will answer to God for their choices just like we do. It’s an important part of them stepping into adulthood.
During the past three years of covid–and different opinions on how to navigate it–I was learning to listen. The information was confusing and after confrontation I had to pray and trust my adult children to make their best choices.
Carol, I think Covid did a lot for teaching us to look at things through different lenses, and we certainly didn’t all agree. But prayer and trusting God with our adult children is the best decision we can make.
Have to remind yourself daily they make their own decisions and Pray daily.
You’re right. And with their decisions come the consequences of their decisions just like for us.
I am in awe of this article as it answers a lot of questions about “why did this happen to me?” My younger son has become alienated from me because I made a decision to move next door to my older son in another city. He feels he is being cheated because I prefer this son over him. It was not that at all, as the prices in this city are more reasonable and he is also in the medical field and able to help me as I grow older. I may have been selfish in this choice, but I certainly love my younger son as much as his brother. God is showing me how to continue to love despite the distance and the lack of communication from him now. I think this book would be a great resource to guide me through this difficult time. I miss seeing my younger son and his family as he has cut off all contact and says not to visit. God is in control and I must live my life with prayer, much love and patience.
Kathleen, I know that must be so very painful. We love our kids, and it’s hard when they don’t understand or appreciate our perspectives. Keep praying for your son and his family, for truth to be revealed to his heart.
I’ve been very blessed with good relationships with my adult kids, but of course they don’t always make the choices I think they should. I’ve tried to learn how to treat them as equals and dear friends rather than as little kids who aren’t ready to be independent; and that helps curb my urge to “tell them what to do” and offer unsolicited advice. It’s better to listen and discuss and offer perspective if they seem to want input. This sounds like a valuable book!
Kym,
You make a very valuable point about treating them as equals and dear friends. That’s a hard transition but so necessary! Thanks for sharing.
I am presently in a time of letting go in relation to my children. My third daughter had her first baby a month ago and immediately told me to stop mothering her. She no longer needed me to take care of her. My role was to be my granddaughter’s grandmother period. I cried for two days straight I was so hurt at hearing these words. Out of all five of my children, this daughter always sought my advice and appreciated my care – till she became a mother herself. In the midst of my tears, God told me that it was time to let go of my consuming identity as a mother. He was transitioning me into my next season as a mature adult and seasoned woman. He was releasing me from the stewardship of my children’s lives so I could focus on His call for me to write. I am learning to keep my mouth shut, let them fail or win all on their own, while stepping away from an identity that has consumed me for 35 years. I am still their mother, but not hands on like I have been. It is actually a relief. I have a peace about my next steps – no guilt – just anticipation of what God has for me now. I would love to read Mary’s book, she always has great wisdom to share.
I shared this blogpost at Twitter and Facebook
Amy, I’m so very sorry for the pain and grief this has caused. It’s a hard transition for our kids to grow up and depend on us less after we’ve devoted 18+ years to their nurture and care. Praying God tends to your mother’s heart and guides you through this transition.
I was a single parent of two from the time my oldest was 13 until my youngest left home at 18 to go to college. It was;’t easy and we went through some very difficult times. But parenting adult children made raising children as a single mom look like a day at Six Flags! It is so challenging to see my children make decisions that I disagree with, but I’m learning to keep quiet and prayer harder!
Parenting adult children can be challenging as we learn to let go but there is also so much joy as we get to know them as adults. And sometimes it makes me smile as I hear one of them sound just like me.
Sometimes, it’s hard to parent adult children, as they sometimes forget we have their best interests at heart. I just do what I can live with in each situation, praying they will know it’s done with love.
I’ll be sharing this post on Facebook.
Mary and Michelle, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I am so looking forward to reading your new book, Mary. Walking the narrow way in the middle is something I hadn’t heard about before.