Dear Dr. B,
My 7-year old son is growing increasingly agitated. He has good spells where he shows a real desire to improve his behavior that give me hope. But then he will slip into these violent rages where he throws things and hits me, is mean to our dog, and spews the most vile profanities from his tiny mouth. But then he will come back and be sweet within a few hours. I really feel like I’m in over my head.
I have this nagging feeling that something is really wrong, but then when he is sweet I wonder if I’m wrong and wonder if I’m blowing things out of proportion.
I’m not sure what to do.
What would you suggest?
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned,
You are a good mother and God has given you good maternal instincts. Take comfort in that.
Unfortunately, there is no instruction guide that gets handed to us when we have children. Even as a professional, I’m sometimes left scratching my head when it comes to parenting quandaries and decisions. So don’t feel like you’re alone in your insecurities.
What you are describing is in many respects normal behavior, but to an abnormal degree. In many ways you are describing what amounts to a toddler tantrum, that is no longer age-appropriate.
Your child is not inherently “bad.” His behaviors are a reflection of some kind of inner turmoil that he has a need to be expressed. Unfortunately, at his young age, he doesn’t know a more appropriate way to express himself.
What’s most concerning is the severity of his emotional expression: violent rages, being cruel to the family pet, and using profanity unacceptable for an adult much less a young child. None of this is age appropriate behavior.
It’s hard to know from your brief description, without further history, what underlies the source of your son’s extreme behavioral outbursts and the best way of handling it.
In situations like this, I’d first recommend that you see his pediatrician to rule out a general medical condition that can have a significant impact on mood and behavior. If he is medically cleared, then I recommend that you take him to see a psychologist for a psychological evaluation to provide additional answers for what is causing the behaviors and how to best manage them.
In the meantime, try to track his behavior to see if there is any general consistent pattern for when the behaviors occur. For example, does it seem to occur when he hasn’t had enough sleep? Or when he hasn’t eaten as balanced meals? Or when he has been around other highly stimulating children or environments? Or when plans have changed and haven’t gone as he anticipated?
When the outbursts are in full swing, don’t try to engage him in conversation or reasoning at that point–you’ll just be wasting your time, energy, and breath. Try redirecting him. Keep your voice as calm and neutral as possible. Yelling will only ecxaccerbate an already escalated situation. What you want to model for him is how to appropriately express his negative feelings in a calm manner.
On those occasions when you make a mistake and get too upset with him, which we all do, you have the perfect opportunity to model for him how to express remorse, ask forgiveness, and express gratitude.
I’m so grateful God’s grace is sufficient for us, aren’t you? It certainly helps make it easier to extend it to others, including our children.
Because of Him,
#HopePrevails
(If you have a question you’d like Dr. B to answer, contact her here now. Your name and identity will be kept confidential.)
A short brief about Hope Prevails.
Hope Prevails
Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey through Depression
Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Speaking from personal and professional experience, a neuropsychologist unpacks what depression is, shows how it affects us spiritually, and offers hope for living the abundant life.
Neuropsychologist Offers Hope to Those Struggling with Depression
-By 2020, depression will be our greatest epidemic worldwide
- An estimated 350 million people worldwide suffer from some form of depression
- Helpful features include personal stories, biblical truths, prayers, and music recommendations
In Hope Prevails, Dr. Bengtson writes with deep compassion and empathy, blending her extensive training and faith, to offer readers a hope that is grounded in God’s love and grace. She helps readers understand what depression is, how it affects them spiritually, and what, by God’s grace, it cannot do. The result is a treatment plan that addresses the whole person—not just chemical imbalances in the brain.
For those who struggle with depression and those that want to help them, Hope Prevails offers real hope for the future.
Hope Prevails is available now wherever books are sold. To find out more, see: https://drmichellebengtson.com/hope-prevails-book/.
I have found that the more we share our experiences with other people, the more we learn from each other. So many times, people will say, “Oh, I didn’t know you were going through that situation. My family is dealing with that, too.” Yes, it’s true that not everyone wants to share and that is fine. But, we can learn from each other and be a support to each other. 🙂 Love your posts Dr. Michelle.
Melissa,
Yes, sharing is key. Unfortunately, many don’t create a safe place to share. It’s hard when we aren’t accepted for who we are, where we are. But WE can create that safe place for others. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
This sounds like such a tough situation. My heart breaks for this mom who is going through such a difficult time with her child. I would have to agree with Melissa above. Sharing these experiences helps us parents learn a bit more and allows us to get the support we need,especially during these challenging times. Thanks so much for sharing this post with us on #SHINEbloghop!
The perfect opportunity is what i seem to miss the most, Michele. It is usually when I have pushed past my own limit and lose it, too. But so many times, that still small voice is reasoning in my heart and my head, reminding me to walk away… that a gentle answer turns away wrath…that my own anger, whether or not it is founded, is not God’s righteousness. I am also reminded of 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 that says our fight isn’t against flesh and blood. 🙂
I think the ability to pause and be at peace in Him is one of the best skills we can teach our children in the moments when chaos seems too much.
Blessings,
Dawn
Dawn,
Don’t beat yourself up. God doesn’t. Learn from the past. Take care of yourself…get enough rest, eat right, get some physical exercise so that you’re less likely to push past your own limit. You’re right: our fight isn’t against flesh and blood. We have an enemy who is against our families. Let’s not let him get a foot in the door! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
This is great information. Thanks!
Glad you enjoyed it Christine. I hope it’s useful to others. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!