In a recent episode of the podcast, “Your Hope-Filled Perspective,” I had the honor of chatting with literary agent Blythe Daniel and her mother, Dr. Helen McIntosh about hope for restoring damaged or broken mother/daughter relationships. They co-authored the book, “Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters”. I know many who hurt because they don’t have the kind of relationship with their mother or daughter that they would like. Many times, words have been the cause of pain. So, I asked Blythe to share more here about the package of words, and how we can use them to hurt or heal.
There’s a book giveaway so be sure to read to the end.
(If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).
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The Package of Words: A Gift for Mom
By Blythe Daniel
Words spilled out before I knew it and in about five seconds, I changed the atmosphere in the room with my children. I shared with them that because of what they didn’t do as part of their responsibilities and chores, they wouldn’t get to do what they wanted to do next (which involved cake baking, one of their favorites).
It soured the room, long before the cake ingredients had time to come to the temperature of the room. Why do words have the potential to change not only our children but us as moms? How I approached them was disappointing to me even as I shared the words out of a sense of control, not love. Words affect not just those they land on but the one who spills them out.
I’ve long known the importance of how you speak to a son or daughter. My mom’s good instincts, her intentions with me to ask if her words feel controlling have shown me that telling a child what to do is different than asking them to come up with how they see their roles, their jobs, their relationship to us. She grew up with a mother that told her what to do and what she thought of her, rather than seeking a relationship or “what do you think we need to do to make things better between us?”
For years, Mom has believed wholeheartedly in working things out between mothers and daughters from her own experiences so she came up with “conversation starters” or “relationship starters” to introduce this caring exchange of how to make things better between you.
Days can go by where, as the mother, we need to go back and role play a different word choice with our children. Deliver a different package of words to them. Or as the daughter, we need to role play things differently with our mother that has hurt us, maybe many times and perhaps has done it so much that she doesn’t recognize it.
As we approach Mother’s Day, what would it take for you to be able to go to your mom or to your daughter and let her know that you want to start over, right where you are today? You don’t have to pull up all the history between you. But a statement like, “I know that we haven’t done well together. I’m sorry for how I have disrespected you. Will you forgive me? What do you need to see from me to make things better between us?” could be what she needs to receive from you.
We are to clear up our end of things always, and sometimes we get to go first. Who is in the stronger place to initiate forgiveness: the one who has erred 5 percent or 95 percent? Maybe we were only 5 percent wrong, but we can initiate peace. God is our example. He reconciled us to Him through His Son, Jesus, who paid for our lives through His death. His resurrection is the reason we can have restoration.
A Gift for Mom on Mother’s Day: a Package of Words
What can you give your mom for Mother’s Day? How do you know what she needs when perhaps you haven’t spoken with her in a while?
What about the gift of words? The package of words is a powerful tool you can present to your mom.
We want to offer this free tool to you – some conversation starters for you from our book, “Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters”. These are meant to help you find common ground between you and put your relationship ahead of your differences. It’s also helpful to have some words in front of you when you don’t know what to say.
The words I went back to with my children that day sounded like this: “I was wrong to speak to you the way that I did. I am sorry for making you all feel like you didn’t deserve our special time together. Will you forgive me? What do you think we should do to make sure that you are taking care of responsibilities so that we can move on to the more fun events together? How can I encourage you?”
The way I package my words makes such a difference because how they hear me speaks louder to them than often how they see me.
Sharing words that will help you move closer to each other is a good way to model healthy boundaries and also forgiveness.
The gift of a relationship between you can’t be bought but can be created between you so that you can live with peace and operate more freely in your relationship. If you need a relational reset, we encourage you to check out these conversation starters.
Whether there is a short-term distance between you or long-term, we’ve seen the power of God work through many mother-daughter relationships where there didn’t seem to be an opening. Like your mother or daughter, God wants to be invited to the process of restoring what’s between you.
Do you feel led to bring Him into your relationship as you think about your mother this Mother’s Day?
A Prayer of Forgiveness and Restoration in Mother-Daughter Relationships
Let’s agree together in prayer:
God, I need you to change my heart toward my mom and help me to see her for who she is in your eyes. Will you give me the grace to initiate a conversation with her to help bring healing to my heart? I trust you to help me see the restoration that you can bring and I ask for it to fill our relationship, by faith in Jesus’ name. A-men.
About Blythe Daniel
Blythe Daniel is a literary agent and marketer with more than 20 years of experience in publishing. She has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Focus on the Family, Ann Voskamp, Christian Retailing, and she links bloggers with readers through the agency’s blog network. The daughter of Dr. Helen McIntosh, she lives in Colorado with her husband and three children.
Connect with Blythe Daniel at: Website / Facebook Blythe / Instagram Blythe / Twitter Blythe
Book Giveaway
In conjunction with this post and the podcast interview, How To Improve Mother Daughter Relationships – Episode 55, Blythe Daniel and Dr. Helen McIntosh are giving away a free copy of their book, “Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters”.
Leave a comment below sharing with us one thing you’ve learned in this post about reconciling and restoring mother/daughter relationships.
You could also share this blog post on Facebook or Twitter then comment here to tell us where you shared it and you’ll also be entered into the drawing.
The winner will be selected at random and announced next Monday, May 11, 2020. Continental United States only.
Sadly, this topic is currently relevant in our home. I am thankful to be reminded that I can choose my words to bless and encourage rather than focusing on how hurt I have been by her words.
Ellen, on the one hand I am so very sorry that this topic resonates with you, from a place of hurt. But on the other hand, I am so thankful that you see how your words can help or hinder the situation going forward. I’m praying that you will see healing and restoration come to your relationship.
I so enjoyed and was blessed by the podcast and this blog. My mom is gone now but I am mom/mama/mimi to many girls and women and I want to be an encouraging mom, a loving mom but also a caring mom who knows what words to speak to help in times of their distress. This blog was so helpful in know what words to say and how to approach relationship issues. I loved the podcast and the interaction between Blythe, Dr. Helen and you, Michelle. A really precious message was shared that blessed my heart. My mom and I were not close and intimate in our relationship but we were loving. I am much more close to my biological daughter and daughter in law than I ever was with my mom. It was sad but I cherish what I did have with her. I am sharing this message on FB and in personal message with those the Lord directs me to. Thank you, Michelle, for knowing that we needed to hear this message from these precious ladies. I hope I am entered in the drawing for the book. I would love to read it.
I’m so glad that this post and our podcast conversation was encouraging to you, Karen. Like you, I didn’t have a close relationship with my mother, at least not while I was growing up. But I came to appreciate her and love her much more her last few years on earth. Now I miss her terribly, but I’m so grateful for those the Lord has brought into my life to both love and receive love from.
Sometimes I need to silence the words I FEEL like saying to my mom and remember her days grow shorter on this earth . Anger is not how I want her to leave on . Regret is a heavy eternal thing.
Mary, you bring up a very good point. So often we want to say words because we are hurt. But I’ve never found that hurting another does anything to heal my own hurt. And we get to choose to be agents of change and reconciliation.
I’m posting on facebook and twitter
Thanks Mary!
In reading this post I am reminded that it doesn’t matter what was said or done we are commanded to forgive. From a hurt mom.
Pam, I’m so very sorry you’ve been hurt. Yes, forgiveness is a command. What always brings me to a place of forgiveness is the mandate that if we do not forgive, our Heavenly Father will not forgive us. I need all the forgiveness I can get from him, so I want to give it as well. I pray that one day you will no longer be the hurt mom, but the mom who has seen a relationship restored and redeemed.
Many of us have not had a loving relationship or even a civil one with our moms. We carry the bitter roots of our mom’s faults and failures, hurts and pains that were manifested in our lives as emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical abuse. We even accept and allow that lifelong mantle to be worn and passed down into our relationships with our daughters, or even daughter-in-laws. Those roots of brokenness and despair feed into a generational cycle that begins all over again; perhaps layered over with even more negative thoughts, actions, fears and depression which also damage other family relationships. Words and deeds can torture, maim, and even kill in a slow and painful way that brings lifelong wounds; some that will scar over and others that just fester, long after a mom has passed away. However, my mom’s legacy doesn’t have to be mine and I don’t have to allow it to live on or be passed down to my future female progeny. Jesus is always my hope and path to wholeness I can trust. He is the great lover, healer and restorer of minds and hearts. This blog was another wonderful “door opener” of hope and grace for me, and a fresh view of the power of healing through humility. I need to continue to let Jesus help me work on my own heart issues first, so that I can prepare to reach out to my daughter in grace and humility and let the Lord work in her towards our reconciliation. This book will be invaluable towards creating conversation that will best show my (and Jesus’s) unconditional love and care for her.
Suzanne, I love that you point out that your mom’s legacy doesn’t have to be yours, and you don’t have to allow it to live on or be passed down to future generations. That’s the TRUTH. But the enemy would love to lie to us and make us believe that we are just a product of our genes. The best news is that when we accept Christ, we are born into a new family with holy DNA!
This blog allowed me to see that after 35 years if I had chose to ask rather than demand what I expected of my daughter. Our relationship could be the one that I admire between other mothers and daughters. My daughter’s oldest son lived with me about 5 to 6 weeks shy of a year and while praying the prayer I included him along with my daughter. We have not spoken since spring break and I felt he owed me an apology for his behavior; however, I have been challenged this morning that I need to initiate a conversation and admit that how I approached him with my expectations has been wrong and request forgiveness. I have apologized so many times to my daughter for being the demanding parent, but have never let it go and restarted from that moment. Reading this today made me face that perhaps I am and have been controlling. I need to not only seek forgiveness with my mouth, but with my heart. Asking for forgiveness, but not feeling earnestly that I was wrong is why the cycle continues to repeat itself. I did not have a mother/daughter relationship to model because my mother had mental illness and had been in and out of the state institution since I was 5 years old. In 65 years of life I probably never lived with her more than 5 of those years. I lived with her about 20 months after my grandmother died and prior to it was only a few weeks or days out of the year for about 3 or 4 years.
Rose, you’ve got so many relationships that the enemy would love to bring hurt, harm, and offense with your mother, daughter, grandson. BUT the good news is that Jesus is a pain-taker, a way-maker, and a miracle working God. Restoration, redemption, and reconciliation are his specialties. Sending a heart-felt virtual hugs with my prayers.
I posted on Facebook.
My comment is about reverse word packages. I always meant to get Mom to tell me stories from our family’s past and record it for posterity. I’m sorry to say waited too long. – Margy
I’m so sorry to hear that Margy. Praying that is a good lesson for all of us, to say what needs to be said while we have the chance.
Love this. Continuing to pray for you, Michelle.
This is such an important topic and one that many of us struggle with. My mom lives with us and is not a believer. In fact, she was somewhat antagonistic toward the things of God when she first came to live with us about 3 years ago. But slowly that has gotten better as we have sought to be loving and kind to her. But it’s not always easy. I have to remind myself of many of these truths on a pretty regular basic. I want her to come to know the Lord and that’s more important than anything else.
I have read Mended and it is a phenomenal book. I am working through my own relationship issues with my oldest daughter (34) and I have also been on the other side of the story because I grew up having volatile relationship with my own mom in a very different way. This book has been so helpful! Thank you for sharing this and thank you for linking up with me @worthbeyondrubies!