What to Do When Changes to Postpartum Hormones Impact Your Marriage

I’ll never forget the day, about two weeks after my oldest son was born. My mother called across country to see how the baby was, and I started bawling. “Honey, what’s wrong with the baby?” she asked. “Nothing. The baby is perfect. I don’t know what’s wrong…I just can’t stop crying.” My mother promptly had me put my husband on the phone, told him she thought I was suffering from postpartum depression and made him promise he would call my Ob/Gyn. As a neuropsychologist, I diagnosed many women with postpartum depression and/or anxiety, yet, I couldn’t see it for what it was in myself.

On a recent episode of Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast, Rhonda Stoppe shared her painful experience with postpartum hormonal imbalance, and how God has since used that as a beautiful sacred scar, opening doors for her to minister to other women facing that challenge. But what do you do when changes to postpartum hormones impact your marriage? I’ve asked Rhonda to share her insights with us here.

What to Do When Changes to Postpartum Hormones Impact Your Marriage
By Rhonda Stoppe

No one could have predicted it, nor prevented it, but one day the emotions I’d been suppressing spilled out. As I unloaded on my husband, Steve, I knew my words hurt him. But I didn’t stop.

Steve finally, broached the question that surprised both of us, “What are you saying? Do you want me to leave?”

“Why should you leave?” I sobbed. “Maybe I should go.”

No sooner had the words left my mouth, and I was filled with regret. I couldn’t explain why I said them. I adored Steve. He’d been the love of my life. But I was no longer the cheerful wife he married: I had become a miserable mess. For months I watched myself spiraling downward, unable to stop it. And I couldn’t adequately explain to Steve how I felt. None of it made logical sense.

During this time, I struggled to parent: I’d often given our new baby to our older daughter and turned on a movie for our toddler so I could hide in my room and plead with God for help. God seemed so silent and far away. I felt alone, afraid, and ashamed of being unable to shake the cloud over me. It seemed like I was the only one to ever go through anything like this.

Steve’s concerns grew when he came home from work to find me weeping. He let me cry. Then he said, “Babe, I’ve known you forever. You’re just not you anymore. What’s going on?”

I wanted to be angry with him, yet I knew he was right. I’d always been a joyful, laugh-out-loud kind of girl. I loved life. And I deeply loved my husband and children. But my emotions weren’t matching who I knew myself to be.

The sudden change occurred after our third child was born. It took quite a while and professional help to discern I was struggling with postpartum depression, which turned into a hormonal imbalance causing monthly PMS.

As I considered how to help Steve understand, I recalled something I’d learned from relationship counselor Gary Smalley. He described the powerful influence of communicating with word pictures. So I gave it a try.

“Imagine you were a werewolf,” I said to Steve. “And every full moon you were going to turn into a werewolf whether you liked it or not.”

Steve said, “A werewolf … go on.”

“When you turn into that werewolf, you’re going to eat anyone near you — even if it’s your young. And the only hope you have is if someone locks you up until the full moon passes.” I paused for emphasis and said, “Babe, that’s PMS.”

I could tell I’d struck a chord with Steve. The word picture helped him gain not just an understanding, but an appreciation of my desperation. Fortunately for me, he responded with compassion.

Many women with hormonal imbalances don’t even know why they feel so overwhelmed, agitated or weepy. I certainly didn’t. And because the imbalance seems to play itself out in the way a woman thinks or responds, it’s natural for Christian women to feel ashamed — which leads them to isolate themselves from others. Few women talk about such personal, sensitive struggles, leaving others to believe they are all alone in their suffering.

Ways to Help Your Marriage Survive Changes to Postpartum Hormones

If you struggle with hormonal imbalance, here are some ways to help your marriage survive:

Use word pictures

Whether you’re the wife who needs to help her husband understand her hormonal issues or a husband who wants his wife to realize how he feels, you must communicate.

Telling a story helps you to communicate in new and more effective ways. Telling a story can allow you to explain your perspective in a way your spouse can relate to on an emotional level.

Believe the best

First Corinthians 13:7 says that love “believes all things.” This means love chooses to believe the best about the other person.

In three decades of ministry, Steve and I have watched marriages fall apart when couples dwell on each other’s negative aspects. This leads them to think they’d be happier with someone else. Such a mindset is a recipe for disaster because it gives Satan a foothold to undermine their marriage.

Wives: It’s tempting to blame others for our emotional breakdowns. But 2 Peter 1:5-7 says that to our faith we should add virtue, knowledge and self-control — with perseverance (steadfastness).

When you’re hormonal, it’s difficult to control negativity. But God can help you “take every thought captive” to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Your marriage can thrive if you ask God to help you persevere in thinking well of your spouse — no matter how you might feel.

Husbands: Rather than blaming your wife whenever her mood shifts, ask God to help you sympathize with her fragility. First Peter 3:7 advises husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.”

While you cannot completely comprehend her vulnerable state, your attempt to do so can help her. When my husband responded with empathy, I felt loved and understood. I was comforted knowing his heart was with me.

Don’t go it alone

In Christian circles, there’s a temptation to act like everything is OK when it isn’t. Christians worry about how people will view them if they share their struggles. So, they pretend.

I felt shame when I couldn’t gain spiritual victory over my crazy emotions. And I wasn’t prepared for how negatively it affected our marriage.

When facing trouble, find help from mentors who can relate, pastors or biblical counselors. Many couples wait until they’re in real trouble before they seek help. Don’t be that couple.

In my situation, Steve encouraged me to seek help from a nutritionist and a doctor who specialized in PMS. I tried to resist his prompting because I wanted to believe I’d get better on my own. I didn’t. Learning from a professional that I had a medical condition was my path toward real help.

Help others

While I hate remembering how fragile I was, I love knowing how God used my situation to prepare me to help others. Second Corinthians 1:4 says that we comfort others “with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

God used our trial to equip us to mentor other couples in similar circumstances. Draw near to Him, and to each other, and God can do the same through you.

How have you navigated similar trials with your spouse? We’d love to hear in the comments below.

When changes to postpartum hormones affect your marriage, it can leave you feeling alone and confused. @RhondaStoppe shares hope, insight, and what helped her. Share on X What happens when emotions shift after childbirth—and it starts impacting your marriage? @RhondaStoppe opens up about changes to postpartum hormones and how faith and communication made all the difference. Share on X

About Rhonda Stoppe

Rhonda Stoppe is the Best-Selling Author of 7 books. For more than 30 years Rhonda has helped thousands of women build no regrets lives! Rhonda is a highly sought after Speaker and a popular voice in the Christian Living Community. Rhonda ministers alongside her husband Steve, who for 20 years has pastored First Baptist Church of Patterson, California. They live out their own Real Life Romance writing books and speaking at their No Regrets Marriage Conferences, but their favorite ministry is their family. They have four grown children and 10 grandchildren. To learn more about Rhonda’s speaking topics, watch her teaching and to book Rhonda for your next event visit: NoRegretsWoman.com