“I hate to tell you this, but you need to go home and get your affairs in order.”
How could that be? We were young, and still considered ourselves newlyweds despite having been married 14 years. We had waited 12 years to have children, until after I had finished all my years of schooling to become a doctor, and then the requisite years of internship and post-doctoral training. Now with a toddler in tow, the oncologist was telling us that cancer was going to rob our son of his father.
Fear and worry assaulted me at my core.
I knew what it was like to grow up without a father. Mine was taken at a young age from a fatal heart attack. I remember the pain from the lack, and I pictured the same for my son.
Fortunately, as a toddler, he was too young to feel the sting of cancer’s razor sharp tear in the fabric of our family’s tapestry. Grandparents descended upon our home to fill in the gap with the caregiving so I could be at doctor’s appointments and chemotherapy treatments.
While doctor’s predictions were for my husband to live but a short couple of years, God had a different plan, and He is, after all, the one who plans our days and orders our steps.
Even after all the treatment, we continued to return every three months, then every six, then eventually once a year for repeat PET scans to monitor for a relapse, each time holding our breath. Each time wondering “What if?”
“What if the treatment didn’t work?”
“What if the cancer returns?”
“What if he doesn’t defy the odds?”
“What if the scan doesn’t show what’s really there?”
“What if the cancer metastasizes like predicted?”
“What if…?”
Finally, through years of questioning, years of pleading, years of laying down my doubts and fears and concerns at the cross, God asked the most important question.
“What if…you trusted me?”
“What if, you believed that the same God who defied the odds before and healed your husband of cancer the first time could protect him and you in all your tomorrows?”
Wow. Yes, Lord. What if?
You see, He’s been teaching me about the power of two little words: “What if?”
The enemy of my soul uses those two words against me to incite fear and worry and anxiety. Those two words steal my peace from today as I anxiously focus on tomorrow, rather than sitting in His presence in the present.
Fast forward 15 years, we find ourselves in a similar scenario.
The day that we had been looking forward to for years, the day of the release of my first book, “Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression,” we heard the words we hoped we’d never hear again: “Your biopsy results came back positive: you have cancer.”
The doctor revealed that while my husband had been healed of his cancer from years before, the current cancer was considered “a secondary cancer” meaning it was a result of the chemotherapy he received to treat the original cancer.
Immediately our focus shifted from release party festivities, interviews and marketing plans to blood work, PET scans, bone marrow biopsies, port placements, and more doctor visits than we could remember without a calendar. And sadly, what if’s…
“What if the very thing that was used to save his life before is what kills him now?”
“What if the chemotherapy doesn’t work this time?”
“What if we aren’t so ‘lucky’ this time?”
“What if my sons have to grow up without their Dad?”
“What if I become a widow?”
“What if…?”
I immediately jumped into old, familiar ways of coping: doing and staying busy. Alerting family and friends of the news and answering the plethora of questions with what little information I had. Planning freezer meals for the weeks when doctors’ appointments and chemotherapy kept us too busy to shop or cook. Rearranging my schedule at work to accommodate the myriad of new appointments that needed to be worked into the schedule.
In my effort to control the uncontrollable, the busyness overwhelmed me and left me depleted and exhausted until finally one day, I collapsed in a pile on the floor and I wept uncontrollably. How had we gotten here and what were we going to do?
As I cried out to the Lord in my desperation, I heard his familiar question yet again, “What if…you trusted me?”
“What if you believed that this didn’t take me by surprise?”
“What if you believed that I really do work all things together for your good?”
“What if you remembered that I know the plans I have for you, and I have declared that my plans for you are good, and they include a future and a hope!”
“What if you remembered that I am good, my ways are good, and my love for you is everlasting?”
“What if you remembered that I proved myself faithful to you when you went through this before, and knowing that I am the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, believed that I will be faithful through this as well?”
“What if you stopped listening to the father of lies who fills your mind with ‘What ifs?’ and kept your eyes on me and listened only to the voice of your Heavenly Father who speaks truth and love?”
As I dried my tears and finished my prayer time with the Lord, I found a new determination to let go of the anxiety-producing “What ifs?” and take hold of the peace that prevails because of Him.
Do you need to do the same?
Because of Him, #PeacePrevails!
Mark Your Calendars!
My TV Interview with Sheila Walsh and Randy Robison on Life Today will air on Tuesday, December 6th.
You can watch online starting Tuesday at http://lifetoday.org/
Or, check this station guide for the different times the program will air in your local TV market: http://lifetoday.org/
A short brief about Hope Prevails.
Hope Prevails
Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey through Depression
Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Speaking from personal and professional experience, a neuropsychologist unpacks what depression is, shows how it affects us spiritually, and offers hope for living the abundant life.
Neuropsychologist Offers Hope to Those Struggling with Depression
-By 2020, depression will be our greatest epidemic worldwide
- An estimated 350 million people worldwide suffer from some form of depression
- Helpful features include personal stories, biblical truths, prayers, and music recommendations
In Hope Prevails, Dr. Bengtson writes with deep compassion and empathy, blending her extensive training and faith, to offer readers a hope that is grounded in God’s love and grace. She helps readers understand what depression is, how it affects them spiritually, and what, by God’s grace, it cannot do. The result is a treatment plan that addresses the whole person—not just chemical imbalances in the brain.
For those who struggle with depression and those that want to help them, Hope Prevails offers real hope for the future.
Hope Prevails is available now wherever books are sold. To find out more, see: https://drmichellebengtson.com/hope-prevails-book/.
(If you have a question you’d like Dr. B to answer, contact her here now. Your name and identity will be kept confidential.)
Dear sweet friend, I can only say … Thank you for this post! Thank you!
Joanne, thank HIM. It was inspired by the lessons He is faithfully teaching me. Love you so.
Thank you so much for your transparency and wisdom through difficult times. Love you! XO
Liz, thank you for accepting my flaws in the very real state of our lives right now. Because of Him, #HopePrevails
Trusting God through difficult circumstances is definitely easier said than done! Praying for your family!
You’re right Kelly. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. He can be trusted!
Thank you for this post! “What ifs” are all to common to me. I said a prayer for your husband and also for you! May God lead you to comfort and confidence in Him.
#MomentsofHope
Julie
Julie, we thank you for your prayers. We know God will be faithful to see us through whatever He leads us to. No weapon formed against us shall prosper. He is a good God, and we will choose to trust Him. Blessings to you. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I can so relate to this … more than you know … it was on my birthday I heard those words and literally in an instant I was in a floor moping with my face and screaming at God out of anger and what I felt was forsaken- I heard God say as clear as day say to me “Either you trust me or you don’t”
It took me back about 4 breaths because it was so clear-
It is still hard even 6 years post cancer when Satan is blaring “What IF” in one ear and God whispering – Trust me in the other… I love you friend and completely understand your walk and know exactly where you are…. praying for you and Scott and the boys ~
Oh Karen, it’s always a choice to trust Him or not. But really, what is the alternative? Because of Him, #HopePrevails
Love this! Thank you! I just watched your interview on Life Today, and you done an outstanding job! I have been able to bless some people that i love with Hope Prevails, and those people have found healing through the pages! Thank you my friend!
Rachelle, you bless my life over and over. I’m so thankful that you have blessed others with the pages of “Hope Prevails.” May it lead them to His help, His hope, and His healing. There is nothing better. All for His glory! Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Oh man… how What If’s can steal your hope and joy and peace… Praying for you! (And now I’m off to watch your interview!) xoxo
Karrillee, how I’m so grateful that for every lie the enemy throws at us, God gives us truth to counter it. He is a faithful friend, a very present help in times of trouble! I pray you are blessed today. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I needed this today. A sweet friend that has been battling breast cancer for four years has been placed in hospice. She has an 8 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. My heart breaks for them and her family but our God is a God of comfort and peace and has much more knowledge of how things will work out. Thank you for sharing such wonderful truths.
Katie, I do not pretend to understand His ways, but I do trust His character, and I do put my fate in His unfailing hand of faithfulness. I pray that you can do the same with your friend and her children. I too lost my parent at a young age, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, so my heart goes out to you and to them. But God will be faithful to see them through whatever they have to face, and they will not go through it alone. Trust Him. There is no better way. Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
What if we trusted God? A message we need everyday. It can be easy to forget that we don’t need to strive and solve everything on our own. It’s almost instinctual to do so. Waiting on the Lord is a practice of faith. Thank you for sharing your story today! Visiting from #IamHer
Such an encouraging post! Difficult circumstances certainly stretch my faith, for which I’m thankful after the fact. The actual stretching process HURTS. Thanks for sharing at Literacy Musing Mondays.
Powerful offerings to hope. Thank you.
Wow, this is powerful Michelle! Continuing to keep you family in prayer! Thank you for being such an encouragement to all of us as you walk this part of your journey! God bless you!
I’ve been reading your posts quite awhile now and this one just became my absolute favorite! I am the what if…or the worry queen. I have to constantly and actively remind myself to trust. I love changing the direction of the “what if”. Beautiful!
The “What if” is a big question. I try not to consider what if, just trust in God that all will work out for good. Thank you for sharing with us here at Tell me a Story. My prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so transparent. Beautiful and powerful questions to remind us that there is always Hope. That God is able. I have prayed for you several times via Facebook, but never knew the whole story. Continued prayers for full healing. God is able. In Christ, Fatima Eid