Have you ever wondered what to say or what not to say to someone with cancer? In this post, as well as parts two and three, I’m going to share with you what I’ve learned through my experience as a caregiver for someone with cancer, and through my own personal battle.
No one likes nor wants a diagnosis of cancer. Just the word makes us uncomfortable. Worse, many are uncomfortable around those who have been given the diagnosis. You know people with this diagnosis right now.
Parallels between Job’s friends in the Bible and Friends of cancer patients
I recently had the opportunity to observe the interaction between several cancer patients and their companions. As I watched those around me, it was like seeing the book of Job come to life. If you don’t recall or haven’t read Job, after a series of devastating losses, including wealth, the death of his children, and his own health, several of Job’s friends come to visit. The middle part of the book is devoted to the speculations each friend 000offered as to the cause of Job’s trials, and what Job should do about it.
What I witnessed at the clinic matched many of the words and attitudes Job’s friends offered to him. Like the words of Job’s friends, what I heard was certainly well intended, but vastly missed the mark.
What not to say to someone with cancer – conversation examples
1) One patient’s family cried while friends quietly tried to console.
- Job’s friends “sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words” (Job 2:13).
2) Another patient sat silently mopping up tears while a “friend” shared his philosophy of how the patient’s lifestyle and diet caused the disease he was now battling.
- Friend: “Your children must have sinned against him, so their punishment is well deserved.” (Job 8:4)
- Friend: “Listen! God is doubtless punishing you far less than you deserve!” (Job 11:6)
- Friend: “No, it’s because of your wickedness!…You must have lent money to your friend and demanded clothing as security…You must have refused water for the thirsty and food for the hungry…You probably think the land belongs to the powerful…You must have sent widows away empty-handed…” (Job 22:3-11) \
- Job: “One should be kind to a fainting friend, but you accuse me without any fear of the Almighty…Do you think your words are convincing when you disregard my cry of desperation?…Stop assuming my guilt, for I have done no wrong.” (Job 6:14, 26, 29).
3) Another patient received treatment while his companion offered her opinion on alternative cures she had heard about.
- Friend: “If only you would prepare your heart and lift up your hands to him in prayer! Get rid of your sins, and leave all iniquity behind you. Then your face will brighten with innocence. You will be strong and free of fear” (Job 11:13-15).
- Job: “How long will you torture me? How long will you try to crush me with your words?” (Job 19:2).
4) Another woman was getting chemotherapy while a “friend” was telling her horror stories of others who were inoperable or died despite treatment.
- Job: “People who are at ease mock those in trouble. They give a push to people who are stumbling” (Job 12:5).
That “friend” not only negatively influenced her friend, the patient (who cried), but also those of us sitting in the same room! It was so upsetting to me that I put on headphones for a while to collect myself and pray for peace of mind for myself and the others there.
What I heard that day in the clinic parallels guilt and shame-inducing comments directed at my husband and me, as well as at some of our friends who are also on the cancer journey.
One friend recently shared an upsetting text she received from a “friend” on the eve before her husband’s surgery shaming them for their choice of treatments. It started like this…
“Having spent over 30 years studying nutrition, health, fitness etc., including cancer ‘treatment,’ watching/knowing people who have gone through this…, I am praying God leads you to do what He wants you to do…not what the doctors say.
And continued: … They (doctors) know nothing else, and what they know is that chemotherapy/surgery does little. Miracles have occurred, but the doctors didn’t bring it about, God did…. Eating/drinking what God created that kills cancer is amazingly effective. There are many people opting out of boosting Big Pharma’s profits, having realized that the cancer business is a huge scam. The folks who opt for the natural route know they are living with cancer until Jesus calls them home and… suffer far less than going through surgery/chemotherapy. …. I know maybe I am the only one not placating you with positive notes of encouragement, but Heaven awaits us, and THAT is our next stop.
She ended: … Cancer treatment is toxic. Please realize that many folks live longer, with less pain/discomfort, doing no surgery or chemo… I do not remember which Christian said this, but he admonished every Christian to hold onto this life loosely. We are not our own…. And remember what that great theologian, Billy Joel said, “Only the good die young.” Hugs, prayers, and love.”
My friend responded:
“I would like to remind you that my husband IS A doctor. He also has an advanced degree in chemistry and has studied extensively how nutrition and the chemistry of the body work together. We have chosen to pursue this course of treatment and feel led by God to do so. All miracles come from God and many come through doctors’ hands. Your words to me on the night before my husband’s surgery are incredibly insensitive and lack the love and compassion that a Christ follower is supposed to extend to others. I am extremely upset (as are my daughters) that you would send this to me unsolicited.”
The “friend’s” response: “Love is always honest. Praying for you.”
Really?!? It sure doesn’t come across that way, either the love or the honesty.
I have received many such messages, most from people who don’t know me well, ranging from berating me and my husband for what they assume to be our lifestyle or diet, to telling us the “be all to end all” cure:
“I am so sorry for your situation and continue to pray. I am angry and believe it is criminal that information is being held back from the public on cancer treatment for monetary gain. Mostly big pharma. If you had a cure would you not share? Please, look at the following videos…”
or another:
“… have you considered medical marijuana? It will ease so many symptoms and let you rest. Please give it consideration…”
or another:
“I’m going to step out and be really bold right now… Traditional medicine does not have the answers when it comes to all diseases, especially in the area of cancer. I mean no judgment or disrespect. I believe healing from cancer by going the way of toxic chemicals is a very hard journey…I wish you would look into a non-conventional way to redeem your health. I believe it is the Lord’s way. The Lord wants that for you. … if you don’t change some things in your life, you potentially will just bring the cancer back. I believe it is going to be hard to be healed by putting toxic chemicals in your body. But I believe by changing your diet, what you put on your body in the way of cosmetics, removing all chemical plug-ins, never use Febreze, change the detergent you use, etc. you can be healed and you will not be suffering like you are now…” This one was clearly about what this person believed, without any interest in finding out what I believed, or how God has led me.
So many are quick to offer a specific answer, so few are willing to pray that God grant wisdom and insight necessary to make the appropriate decisions to those going through the ordeal. Personally, that’s the first place I want to turn.
For the cancer patient, if you have been given a cancer diagnosis, I am so sorry. It’s a terrible disease. I choose to look at cancer as a little “c,” but Christ is the Big “C” and cancer has to bow at the name of Jesus Christ. I would encourage you to do your research, and ask lots of questions. Guard your heart and your mind and seek the Lord’s wisdom for your situation. You might find these three posts comforting as you face this journey:
The Day I Was Diagnosed With Cancer: 18 Promises to Hold Onto When Crisis Hits
10 Lessons Learned After Being Diagnosed with Cancer
How Testimonies in the Bible Bolster Your Faith During Hard Times
Prayer for friends of cancer patients
May I pray for you?
Father, cancer is an evil disease. We know that it is your desire that we would prosper and be in health even as our soul prospers. Father, we seek you for your wisdom and discernment for what to do in each individual situation. Father, where there is bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness, let us release that to you. Let us live in your peace despite our situations. Help us to be good, faithful, supportive friends to those who are hurting and in pain. Let us offer the hope we have found in you. Guide our words and our actions. May they come from a heart of love and compassion. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.
Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Dear Dr. Michelle, thank you so much for sharing this message with us. I pray that all of us, who love you and love others going through a cancer journey, will read it and learn from what yours and your friends experiences have been with supposedly well meaning friends trying to ‘help’ during a cancer crisis. i want only to speak words to you or anyone else dealing with cancer that truly are loving and encouraging. I am so blessed that you have stepped forward and shared these insights. Love you and praying for you!!
Karen,
My heart is to help people understand others’ perspectives. If you haven’t walked this journey, you may not know how certain comments are likely to be received. I don’t want to judge or condemn, but to enlighten and educate so that we can more adequately extend love to those who are already hurting.
I think my comment didn’t go through… :/ I really love the thoughts here. Having lost my mom to cancer a few years ago, some of these ring true. Everyone has his/her own journey. Some people recover and have more life to live; some people go Home. For some people, chemo is the right thing to do; others feel it’s right not to. I think well-meaning friends who give advice like what you mentioned are forgetting God’s plan and God’s timing. Every individual will have an individual plan. What’s better than advice, what will always be appropriate and needed, is compassion. Give a hug, write a note, send flowers, mow their lawn, cry with them when they cry. More than advice/blame/opinions, love is what really helps. Pinning and Tweeting this–it’s important to know.
#inspirememonday
Jennifer,
I am so sorry you lost your mom to cancer. I did too. So very painful. You’re right…everyone has their own unique journeys. I believe God’s plan and His way may be different for each person, but our job is to seek Him for ourselves, but not to be someone else’s Holy Spirit. At a time like this, what we really need, like you said is a note, flowers, tears in unity, and yes, practical helps…not advice or criticism. I pray that this series of posts will help enlighten. Thanks for taking the time to comment as someone who has been through it with a loved one.
Michelle – Thank you so much for sharing your heart. This gives real insight to those of us who want to encourage friends and family going through cancer. It is amazing how cruel people can be as they share their own agenda!
Praying much for you dear friend as you continue on your sacred journey. You are a sweet blessing in my life and it is a privilege to pray for you. Blessings, love and warm hugs! ❤️❤️??
Donna,
I want to believe that the majority of people are well-intentioned and that they don’t know how their comments are perceived. It’s one thing to say them to me, but it’s another to say them to people I love who are hurting. I have to believe that this diagnosis was not just meant for my learning, but so that I can also be a voice for others.
You are so right Michelle. Thank you for being a voice for others that are going through cancer as you are. I know it is a blessing for them and I am so encouraged as you share each day. Praying much for you tonight. ❤️?❤️❤️
Donna, thank you. I have to believe that I’m not going through this season just for myself, but perhaps to help others as well. Some lessons are hard to come by, and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. But I pray that my experience will encourage and educate others.
Dear Michelle
I’ve been diagnosed with cancer in December last year and had the choice between the traditional chemo and/or surgery on the one hand, and an integrative, holistic and natural treatment on the other hand. I have a brother who is a medical doctor on the one side and a brother-in-law who is also a qualified medical doctor, who has studied further into integrative medicine, not using any chemical treatments. I’ve opted for the latter, not going for surgery immediately, but having my immune system being built up by different protocols and the tumor targeted with heat, infrared and sound therapies. I’ve never felt more energetic and healthier than during these past weeks of treatment and following a vegan diet. Yet the tumor has not shrunk as we had anticipated. Therefore I’m now going for surgery to have it removed.
Please hear my heart when I share with you the following:
I detected some bias in your comments about “friends” giving their opinion about chemotherapy. I do think many of those meant well by offering another approach to cancer treatment. I also agree that we as Christians firstly need to acknowledge God as our Healer. I know that He uses many different ways to heal. I am an example of that. I had absolute peace when I first went for the natural, integrative approach. I knew God was taking me on a healing journey with an altered lifestyle and diet. Yet now I had to make another decision, based on scans, about having surgery after all. Again I experience His peace which passes all understanding. The natural treatment did not remove the cancer, but my body was strenghtened and not poisoned by chemotherapy. So this treatment does not deserve to be treated with contempt by the conventional medical world. There are many examples of people getting healed from cancer without chemotherapy, radiation or surgery.
Yet ultimately I also know God is my Healer. Whatever route He takes each individual on, which might or might not lead to their healing, is up to Him. In that I know we agree! However, we need to be open to other perspectives and treatments too.
Thank you for your encouraging blogs and advice. I always receive food for thought and faith-building advice from you!
Greetings in Christ
Elma du Toit
Elma,
I’m so sorry you were given a diagnosis that allowed entrance into a club no one wants to be part of. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I am praising God, however, that He has given you peace through the process. What a great gift that is! I didn’t mean to imply that I think chemotherapy is the right treatment approach for everyone, nor is surgery or radiation. I do think that God can heal however He chooses…miraculously, through holistic means, through traditional medicine, or something completely different. I think my greatest concern is the approach some take when they are insistent that their opinion is THE only right option. I truly think each person needs to seek God for wisdom of how He wants them to approach their situation. My prayer for you is that you continue to experience peace as you pursue the path to healing that God has for you. Because of Him,Hope Prevails!
Dr Michelle- This powerful series is long overdue for all of us! Having recently gone through this journey myself – I often wanted to wear a sign that said “Stop Talking!!” As people said so many well-meaning – but oh so hurtful words to me, I learned to speak up most of the time and state if that was or was not helpful. And I would end conversations that were not- without further discussion or explanation. I am a Christian counselor and learned so much myself during this time – on how to protect my heart and mind while journeying this horrible “little c” with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ (Big C!) Thank you for making this information available to the public – so people know how to help others with compassion and empathy and words that are life-giving. God bless you in your ministry! I’m such a fan!
Kathy, I’m so sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of hurtful words. You are so right in pointing out that we must learn how to guard our heart and mind. I’ve had to learn how to do that. I’ve had to learn how to stop or redirect or refute comments. But my ultimate desire is to share from not only professional training, but also personal experience to help others avoid some of the mistakes I’ve made or that others have made that have impacted me. Thanks so much for your encouragement.
Dear Dr. Michelle, Like you, I want to believe that people don’t deliberately say words to hurt others. I want to believe this because I am one of those so called people who have said things that somehow hurt my listener. I believe people are scared. They want to believe that there is something that will assuage their fears so when they talk to others, they are hoping that in some small way they will see cancer become even smaller, that one day it will actually die, like many others it has taken. People like my dad, my brother, my cousin…I also want to say that I’ve met some of the people who have said words that did not promote hope, but instead, seemed to suck every last drop out. They are everywhere. And you accurately compared them to Job and his friends. There are those who come and say the wrong things. There are others who don’t even come. May God bless you in your efforts to try and get those who open their mouths to do it with God’s leading, not our own feeling of urgency to somehow comfort. God will comfort whether he uses us, or someone else. He is the God of all comfort. He is the one who gently wipes away tears, that are unseen from anyone else. If only we would wait a little longer before we open our mouths, or write that note, or even send that text. But one thing is true. Just as God has given us free will to make the mistakes we make, he has also given us his Holy Spirit to gently point them out and we can go back and ask for forgiveness for the words that slipped out without God’s nudging. I hate cancer. There. I’ve said it. But I am sure that God hates it as well. But one day. One day even death will die and it will be at the hand of our loving Father. Praying for you. And your ginormous heart that beats to help others.
Anne, I hate cancer too. I hate what it does to the people diagnosed, I hate what it does to marriages and families, and I hate what it sometimes even does to friendships. I really want to see the good in people, and I think sometimes, until we’ve been through something, we just don’t know how to best help. But I agree with you wholeheartedly that God gives us the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. And sometimes the best way He does that, is by encouraging us to use fewer words and just be present. That can be a challenge, because as you so aptly point out, our thoughts and our behaviors are so often fueled by fear (and sometimes, sadly, pride). I just hope that by being willing to speak out, that my personal experience may help others.
This is good advice. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and your experience.
Thank you Lesley. I pray it encourages and helps others when I can share not only professionally, but also from personal experience.
Job’s friends weren’t the best example! It helps me to ask my friends with cancer: how can I love and serve you best during this time? One said: Bring me frozen yogurt! (: So I did.
Sue, I LOVE this example. I think that’s part of the point I’m trying to make…what people need in the way of support may be different for everyone. Whereas one may want frozen yogurt, another may need someone to go to treatment with them. But let’s find out what would truly help them, then do it, rather than impose our views and opinions on them. Way to go for doing what he said he needed! I hope more will follow your lead.
Yep. We had all of these kinds of ‘friends’ when Pedro went through cancer. The best friends are ones who came alongside and said, “I’m so sorry. How can I help?”
Yes, Anita, it’s interesting that the words don’t have to be complicated or flowery, but when they are followed up with action, you really sense they care. I’m so sorry you too experienced those kinds of “friends” when Pedro had cancer. Praying that this experience will make me a more sensitive friend. Blessings to you!
Amen! Wow everyone needs to read this!
Much prayer for you dear friend. ❤️???
Thank you Bunny. I’m pretty passionate about this series. I just hate to see friends hurt by the words of others.
Michelle, this post was so valuable to me. I have a dear friend who has been battling Stage 4 breast cancer for almost 6 years. She is taking hormone therapy now, and doing well, but she can no longer drive due to neuropathy in her feet. This post contains so much good information. Thank you!
Laurie, I’m so thankful you found this post helpful. Make sure to check out parts 2 and 3 as well. I know that you will be a great comfort to your friend as she continues to battle. Thank you for your willing and compassionate heart.