How to Learn from the Proverbs 31 Woman Instead of Feeling Shame – Episode 360

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Dr. Michelle Bengtson and Rev. Jessica Van Roekel share how to learn from the Proverbs 31 Woman without feeling shame

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Episode Summary:

Have you ever met someone who’s so impressive that you instantly think, “Yeah, I’m not doing enough with my life?” I feel that way when someone casually mentions they ran a marathon, baked fresh sourdough bread, and taught their toddler how to read, all before noon. That’s how a lot of us feel when we meet the Proverbs 31 woman. She’s the biblical overachiever who makes the rest of us want to hide behind our laundry piles.

She’s up before dawn, she’s running a business, she’s serving the community, she’s investing, she’s sewing clothes, meanwhile I’m celebrating if I remember to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer before they mildew. For years, she’s kind of intimidated us. She’s been quoted at women’s conferences, printed on coffee mugs, and held up as the gold standard for biblical womanhood. And somewhere along the way, many of us started to wonder: “Is this who I’m supposed to be? And if so, how?

But here’s the problem: we’ve read her as a checklist instead of a celebration. As a pressure instead of a poem. And what if—just go with me here—she’s not actually here to exhaust and shame us? What if she’s here to equip us? What if this isn’t a picture of a perfect woman doing everything flawlessly, but a picture of what God can grow in a woman over a lifetime?

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by the Proverbs 31 woman, or maybe even avoided her, today’s conversation is for you. We’re talking about why she scares us, why she inspires us, and how to live out her wisdom without losing her mind. In recognition of International Women’s Day, today we’re going to be talking about How to Learn from the Proverbs 31 Woman Instead of Feeling Shame.

Quotables from the episode:

  • Today we’re diving into a passage that can make women everywhere either want to grab a journal and praise the Lord, or crawl into a closet and hide in shame. She’s the woman who wakes up before dawn, runs a business, takes care of her kids, feeds the poor, respects her husband, handles investments, sews clothes, and—apparently—never gets tired. Ever. In honor of International Women’s Day, we are going to discuss How to Learn from the Proverbs 31 Woman Instead of Feeling Shame.
  • The Proverbs 31 woman feels impossible. Like the spiritual version of a Pinterest mom mixed with a CEO and Mother Theresa. You read it and think, “I’m just trying to get my laundry out of the washer before it sours and she’s over here buying fields and planting vineyards. Not to mention she’s up before dawn. I don’t even want to be up before I’ve had my coffee.
  • For many women, this passage has been used as a check list. A measuring stick. A pressure cooker. We’ve heard sermons that sound like: “Real women do all of this, all of the time, and with a smile.” And most of us end up feeling like we’re failing at biblical womanhood. So, part of the reason we resist her is because we’ve misunderstood her. We’ve made her into a standard we’re supposed to copy, instead of a picture of wisdom lived out in a variety of ways.Here’s the twist about the Proverbs 31 woman. She’s actually incredibly inspiring because this passage isn’t about perfection. It’s a portrait of character, not a job description. Her life is rooted in the fear of the Lord. That’s the anchor and the heart of the whole poem.
  • She’s strong. She’s compassionate. She’s wise. She’s resourceful. She’s dignified. She laughs at the future, which means she’s walking in confidence, not anxiety. The fear of the Lord—honoring him above all else, understanding his place as ruler in her life—creates a confident woman.
  • There’s something else to consider. Proverbs 31:10-31 was written as a celebration. This isn’t God laying out the requirements for biblical womanhood. This is a husband bragging on his wife and a mother teaching her son what to value in a woman.
  • She inspires us because she shows what it looks like when a woman lives fully into her God-given identity and gifts. She does it with joy, creativity, and strength. And that’s something to be encouraged/inspired by.
  • One of the most helpful things for me was realizing this passage is an acrostic poem. Every verse starts with a different letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It’s basically the “A to Z of a Wise Woman.” It’s poetic, not literal. No one woman is doing or can do all these things at once. It’s describing a lifetime of faithfulness. Not a single day of the week.
  • It’s a portrait of a community-oriented woman in an ancient household economy. Her “household” was likely a whole team. She had extended family, servants, and workers. It wasn’t just her, alone, meal-prepping for a family of six. So, the pressure to replicate every detail? That melts away when we understand the context.
  • Let’s turn our attention to some practical ways to be inspired by her.
  • First, start with the fear of the Lord. Verse 30 states it clearly, “Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Fearing the Lord isn’t being scared of him. It’s holding him in higher esteem than anything or anyone else. We can start looking for our identity and confidence in what we do and what we produce. But we just start looking like chickens pecking the ground and running around aimlessly. We grow exhausted and completely oblivious to any enemies stalking us.
  • Shame is a tactic the enemy uses, and we fall for it so easily, especially when we make success, approval, or accumulating things our motivation. Our value doesn’t come from productivity or perfection. It comes from intimacy with God. If we start there, everything else flows from our relationship with him.
  • Second, identify your season. The Proverbs 31 woman didn’t do all of this in one season. There were years she was raising young kids, years she was planting vineyards, and years she was investing. Ask yourself, “What is God calling me to be faithful with right now?” Not everything. But just today’s assignment.
  • Third, use your gifts and not hers. Some of you are business-minded. Some of you are creatives. Others are nurturing souls. Still others are leaders and some are behind-the-scenes geniuses. God doesn’t call you to be a carbon copy of an ancient Hebrew woman. He called you to bring your gifts to your family, community, and world.
  • Fourth, let go of the hustle culture. The Proverbs 31 woman is active, but she’s not frantic. Her strength doesn’t come from always working. It comes from wisdom and peace. God doesn’t call us to burnout. He calls us to faithfulness, boundaries, and rest.
  • Fifth, celebrate progress, not perfection. Remember, this passage in Proverbs is a poem describing a woman over the course of her life. It is not a checklist. It’s more of a blessing list because it shows us what God can cultivate in us over a lifetime. We don’t need to be all of her today. God shapes us day by day.
  • Sixth, embrace community. The Proverbs 31 woman didn’t do life alone and neither should we. Build friendships. Lean on your church family. The Proverbs 31 life is impossible and will induce shame if we are isolated, but it becomes a beautiful expression of a faithful woman when we are supported.
  • If you’ve ever felt intimidated because of the Proverbs 31 woman, we want you to hear this: She is not here to shame you. She’s here to inspire you because God delights in the strength, creativity, courage, and wisdom he’s placed inside you. You don’t need to become her overnight. You simply need to walk with God in your season, using your gifts, and trusting his direction one step at a time. Faithfulness isn’t flashy, it’s steady progress in the same direction.

Scripture References:

  • Proverbs 31:29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

 

Recommended Resources: (If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).

 

If the Proverbs 31 woman has ever made you feel like you’re not doing enough, this conversation is for you. What if we’ve misunderstood the heart behind this passage? Share on X The Proverbs 31 woman wasn’t written to exhaust women. She was written to celebrate the strength, wisdom, and faithfulness God grows in a woman over time. Tune in! Share on X

 

Social Media Links for Host and Co-Host:

Connect with Co-Host Reverend Jessica Van Roekel:

Website / Instagram / Facebook

 

For more hope, stay connected with Dr. Bengtson at:

Order Book Sacred Scars / Order book The Hem of His Garment / Order book Today is Going to be a Good Day / Order Book Breaking Anxiety’s Grip / Order Book Hope Prevails  / Order Book Hope Prevails Bible Study /  Website  /  Blog  /  Facebook / Twitter (@DrMBengtson)  /  LinkedIn  /  Instagram / Pinterest / YouTube / Podcast on Apple

 

About Co-Host Rev. Jessica Van Roekel:

Jessica Van Roekel, authorJessica Van Roekel is a worship leader, speaker, and writer who believes that through Jesus, personal histories don’t need to define the present or determine the future. She inspires, encourages, and equips others to look at life through the lenses of hope, trust, and God’s transforming grace. Jessica lives in rural Iowa surrounded by wide open spaces which remind her of God’s expansive love. She loves fun earrings, good coffee, and connecting with others.

 

 

 

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson
Audio Technical Support: Ashton Bengtson

 

Does the Proverbs 31 woman inspire you… or exhaust you? Rev. Jessica Van Roekel and I unpack why she was written as a celebration, not a checklist. Tune in to learn how to live out her wisdom in your season, with your gifts, and without shame.

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