There is no doubt: expectations can impact our experiences. This is especially true during the holidays.
A major contributor to blues around the holidays are unfulfilled expectations. They are too plentiful to count: our expectations of others, others’ expectations of us, our expectations of God, and even our expectations of ourselves. Most expectations are unspoken, which is akin to playing a game but no-one knowing the rules.
A short time ago, my son came home from school and wanted the family to play a game together. But there was a catch: part of the game was that the players had to figure out the rules without being explicitly told. The only rule we were given at the outset was that we were not allowed to be explicitly told the rules but rather, we had to figure them out as we played. He knew the rules because he had previously played the game with friends. We, on the other hand, had to figure out the rules through trial and error as we played.
Our reactions to this experience were mixed: some of us found the comedy of our errors to be rather humorous, some enjoyed the challenge of using feedback as our clues to determine the unspoken rules, and some found the lack of structure frustrating at best. The same could be said about unspoken expectations.
Think about it: at a holiday meal, you may consciously or unconsciously hope that your mother-in-law will compliment your table setting, while she may expect that you will gush about her bringing her “famous” fruit cake (as usual).
You may hold yourself to a high expectation that all the food will come out of the oven at exactly the same time and be picture-perfect suitable for the cover of Food & Wine magazine.
And what about the expectations you have of God? Perhaps that He would bring home your estranged sister, or perhaps stretch your budget to meet the increased holiday expenses, or maybe that He would let you attend the holiday festivities with a significant other on your arm (or even that your current significant other would be sober, clean-shaven and not embarrass you in front of your family)?
Creating and trying to live up to these expectations is exhausting.
Expectations are a subtle form of control. In creating expectations for others, God, and ourselves, we are unconsciously setting the standard that we will only be happy, satisfied, or content if or when such expectations are met. What’s even worse is when our expectations remain unspoken. That’s like asking someone what they want to eat for dinner and hoping you guess right out of the billion possibilities that exist!
We really have two feasible options: to share our unspoken expectations with others so they are known (although this still doesn’t guarantee that our expectations will be met by others) or to forego our desire to control, and release others, God, and ourselves from the tyranny of our expectations.
By not recognizing and acknowledging our expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and at times even despair. By becoming aware of our stated or unstated expectations, we can then make a conscious decision regarding what is first reasonable and second necessary in our minds.
In years past, I found that not recognizing the unspoken expectations I had of others, God, and myself, set me up to feel regretful and forlorn at the end of the holiday season, but not knowing why. I would rationalize to myself that “It was a nice holiday season,” “I enjoyed seeing so-and-so,” and that “I managed to complete everything on my holiday preparation to-do list,” then wonder why I felt disappointed or sad.
Once I realized I was making expectations of others and myself, and that others could not live up to my spoken expectations of them, then I could make the conscious decision to let go and surrender to what would be.
By surrendering, I gave myself and others the freedom to enjoy whatever came our way.
I was more focused on the moment instead of pre-planning the future. By letting others off the hook from my unspoken expectations, I was much more able to give myself grace as well. And with that grace, came peace and contentment.
What expectations have you made for yourself this holiday season? For others? For God? Which of those are you willing to surrender in exchange for His peace?
Excellent article… sharing!
Thanks Tina Joy! I’m glad you stopped by! Blessings!!
That game sounds fun. 🙂 I have found myself doing the same thing this year and being more apt to let go of all the expectations. That came in especially handy this year since we were supposed to go to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving and after a last minute change in plans, we ended up hosting at our house. Despite being a bit hurried, it was a lovely and relaxing time. Thanks for sharing!
Kristi, I’m thrilled you stopped by, and took the time to comment! Thanks! Recognizing the expectations we have is the first step, then letting go of them comes next. It sounded like you did everyone a great service by releasing your Thanksgiving expectations. One of my mottos is “Be flexible and modify” and it sounds like you did just that! I hope your Christmas season is just as lovely and relaxing! Stop in again soon.
Thank you dear Michelle, for sharing. I realize that I am caught off guard by expectations, which are beneath the surface, hidden. Expectations about myself and disappointment that I am not able to be perfect. Just this morning the Lord said, ” You need to learn to forgive yourself. That is why I came. This is why you need Me. I am enough. Lean on Me and trust Me when I say you are forgiven. Then be free..as a little child. I take all, not part but all your mistakes.” Thank you again, Michelle, for waking me up to the hidden expectation which I will NEVER meet…only Jesus and herein is my peace!
Margie, I love hearing your reflections about what the Lord is showing you. It’s a good example of the grace He offers instead of the guilt the enemy induces! The enemy is the accuser of the brethren and loves to accuse us to ourself, accuse others to us, and accuse God to us, and he will definitely take advantage of our own expectations to do that!
I think I would find a game like that quite frustrating. I’m a big “rule obeyer” kind of person. LOL. But yes, expectations are huge in our lives – more so than we realize. Thanks for the stimulation for thinking along how our expectations play out.
Amy, I’m a rule follower too. The problem with expectations (of ourselves, of others, and of God) is that no-one knows the rules, or the standard by which we are “supposed” to follow. Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for this important lesson and the way in which you shared it. It was truly a blessing.
I’m so glad you stopped by and that you felt blessed! I hope you’ll stop by often!
My expectations are what you mentioned above: decorations, food, and people in my life are perfect and that God extends my budget. Good post. Thanks for helping us to get a grip on reality before the holiday season gets into full swing.
Hi Mary, I think when it comes to the holidays, we women may have more expectations than our male counterparts, although we may not realize it without making the conscious effort to examine our expectations. Thanks for stopping by! Hope to see you back here soon! Blessings!