Dear Dr. B,
You have discussed grief recently prompted by an unexpected and sudden personal loss. What about grief while a loved one is still alive, but you are slowly watching them slip away to a disease like Alzheimer’s? How is grief different then?
Sincerely,
Grieving
Dear Grieving,
First let me say, I’m so very sorry for your experience. I have great compassion for anyone who is grieving.
What you are describing is called “anticipatory grief.” It’s a form of grief that occurs when you begin to anticipate an impending loss; what it will be like not to have a loved one in your life any longer. It’s common in situations like cancer or dementia.
If you’ve read my recent posts (15 Tips to Survive Grief or How to Grieve or Comforting A Friend Who Has Lost a Child), you know that everyone grieves differently. And how we grieve is impacted by our history, by the circumstances surrounding loss, and by our faith.
Some would say that grief is harder when a death is sudden and unexpected, while still others would say that prolonged anticipatory grief is harder. I have experienced both. Neither one is easy. Grief is grief, loss is loss, and pain is pain.
Sudden and unexpected loss is difficult because we are unprepared and taken by surprise, and many experience regret over what was left undone or unsaid.
Yet losing a loved one to a disease with death as the expected outcome is difficult in a different way. It can result in not appreciating the time you have together because your thoughts are focused on the eventual time when they will no longer be here. And even in a prolonged illness like cancer or dementia, we can never know exactly how much time we have. Some defy the odds and live longer than doctors predict, while others die sooner than expected.
God encourages us, however, not to fear bad news but instead to put our trust in the Lord.
“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord” (Psalm 112:7).
If you are experiencing grief, even anticipatory grief, I encourage you to take your grief to the Lord, who is well-acquainted with our sorrows.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you”
(1 Peter 5:7).
Be thankful for the time you have with your loved ones, and do not waste your time together worrying, for scripture reminds us that tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).
As you grieve, I pray you will take comfort in God’s promises that you will again one day laugh and will again experience joy.
“Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh” (Luke 6:21).
“Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy”
(John 16:20).
Lastly, it’s a sad reality that our memories fade over time. While your loved one is still in your life, I’d encourage you to take the time to journal your memories of your loved one. Write down those things that you never want to forget. Those things you’d want to share with your children or grandchildren about your loved one. Those things that will bring you joy to recall them in the future.
If you and your loved ones are Christians, take comfort in knowing you will be together again in eternity. If you are not and you’d like to know more about how to become a Christian, contact me and I’ll be happy to tell you how you can be.
Hope Prevails,
Dr. B
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Beautifully said, Michelle. I wish this topic was available while my mom was suffering with Alzheimer’s. You are gifted in your calling.
Thank you Judi. Your words are a blessing to me today. I’m so glad you stopped by. <3
This is helpful. My prayer sister is grieving; loss of her 9 year old daughter. Thank you for this post!
I’m so very sorry to hear that. The loss of a child is like none other. She may find this post helpful as well: https://drmichellebengtson.com/15-tips-to-survive-grief/ or https://drmichellebengtson.com/how-to-grieve/ and as a friend, you may find this one helpful: https://drmichellebengtson.com/how-to-comfort-a-friend-who-has-lost-a-child/ You will both be in my prayers! Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
Hi Dr Michelle. I wanted to ask something, can anticipatory grief be linked to an expected or anticipated loss of something in ones life. i.e grief is not always linked to death, it can be linked to the loss of a relationship, a dream, a job, a goal etc. So what if one is so used to loss that one anticipates it and causes oneself grief? I am just wondering if the two can interlink like this? Thanks! Aliyah
Excellent question Aliyah! Yes, anticipatory grief can occur whenever we anticipate any kind of loss: job loss, moves, school changes, etc. And yes, when we experience recurrent or significant loss, we can actually anticipate it and cause grief, sometimes causing the loss we anticipated that may or may not have actually come to be. It’s much like someone who has experienced repeated rejection…they often then anticipate rejection before it occurs and behave in ways that actually causes them to be rejected. So glad you asked. Hope to see you here again! Blessings.
Hi Dr B! Thanks, this makes a lot of sense to me and is something really interesting :)) I am enjoying your insights and all you are sharing on your site, thank you! will be seeing you again! Have a wonderful week. (I found you through Rich Faith Rising Unite Link this week – love how we can meet like this!)
Another beautiful and encouraging post, dear Dr. Michelle. The Lord is using you in such a special way….thank you for being such a precious testimony to others.
Thanks for sharing with Roses of Inspiration. Blessings!
Your words of encouragement are such a blessing to me, Stephanie! I always love seeing your name and beautiful picture show up in the comments. Thanks for taking the time to visit and comment. I pray you are blessed today as you have me!
I can relate to so much of this after watching my grandmother die from dementia. I remember recognizing when the grieving process had begun and continued for awhile even after her death. It was a very sad 3 or 4 years. I am very thankful for you insights and in being part of a healing ministry at church we deal with grief in so many areas outside of death. Grieving any loss is often necessary for healing and moving forward. Your site and words are a precious find for me. Thank you! Blessings, Rachael @ Inking the Heart
Rachael, you are so right! Grieving any loss is necessary for healing and moving forward. One of the grief tips I posted this week was that we must feel it in order for Him to heal it. I’m sure God uses your encouraging words to help others heal! Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
You share some very real and practical ways to look at grief and to allow yourself to grieve even if the process is the long illness of a loved one. You speak from a very deep connected place and I appreciate how you lovingly share this knowledge with the rest of us. Barbie and I are blessed that you shared this at The Weekend Brew.
Your words of encouragement are such a blessing to me, Mary. I always delight in seeing your name and beautiful smile show up in the comments section of my posts. Thanks for the opportunity to share the truths He has shared with me, to offer comfort to others who are hurting with the same comfort He has given me and my loved ones! Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
This is an important post, Dr. Michelle. As our medical field continues to advance, people are living longer. For this reason, anticipatory grief is something we’re experiencing more of as our loved ones linger with chronic disease.
Thank you for your compassionate Biblical perspective combined with the practical application you’re always faithful to share. This will be my feature at A Divine Encounter this week. 🙂 I appreciate your meaningful involvement in our Grace & Truth community!
Jennifer, your words bless me. It’s always a fine balance in sharing truth but with compassion. I always pray my words find their way to those He desires to minister to. Thanks for the featured spot – I pray this will bring comfort to those who read it. Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
This is right on time for me, Mchelle. Thanks xo
Oh Lyli, my heart goes out to you. I wish this information wasn’t needed in your life right now, but I pray He will call it to your remembrance and give you additional comfort during your time of need. Hope Prevails!
Thank you for sharing such kind advice and words with the #SmallVictoriesSundayLinkup!
Wonderful post Michelle. I experienced anticipatory grief before I knew it had a name. I kind of felt like it was God’s gentle way of helping me to let the person go so that when they actually did pass I had mentally walked myself through that journey. I do, however recognize that in my periodic grieving I may have robbed myself of precious time with my loved one. Thanks for this post. It was awesome. Be blessed! – Kia
We’ve just experienced both kinds. Back in January, my MIL became ill and hubby and I both knew that it wouldn’t be much longer. She held on for another 4 months. I’ve read some of your other stuff on grief since then. Thank you for your ministry!
And thanks for linking up at Christian Fellowship. Hope to see you again this weekend! Blessings!