“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” Proverbs 18:21
Scripture tells us that the words we speak can produce life or death. As a practicing psychologist, I find this to be true with respect to mental illness as well. Many ask me what to say to someone who is depressed.
The words we speak over our loved ones can build them up or tear them down. Just because we haven’t experienced the same suffering, doesn’t mean that their suffering isn’t real. Yet what we say may communicate just that.
In my practice, I often hear people saying things to or about depressed people, friends and loved ones that only serve to knock them down further. Often I don’t believe that is the intent, but comments are made because they don’t know better. Even the Bible says, “My people perish for lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6).
If you aren’t sure what is inappropriate to say to a depressed loved one or a depressed friend, read my post entitled “What Not to Say When a Loved One is Depressed.”
People who suffer from depression, anxiety or other mental illnesses often struggle with self-esteem, guilt, and shame. What they long for is to know that regardless of their suffering, they are loved, accepted, and not alone.
As you wonder what to say to help a depressed friend or loved one, let scripture be your guide: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
13 things to say to a depressed person
Here are a few things TO say to someone struggling with depression, anxiety, or some other mental illness:
1. I love you.
You may have said this 1000 times before, but to the depressed individual, there is no better time to hear such words than when they are struggling to love themselves and wonder if others will give up on them and stop loving them too.
2. I’m here for you.
This sounds like such a little thing, but to the depressed individual who feels alone in their pain, this can be amazingly comforting.
3. You are important to me.
It’s vital to the depressed person to know that they are still acceptable, accepted, and loved.
4. I’m sorry that you are going through such a painful time.
It is frequently communicated to the person with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness that they should be able to just get over it. But by expressing your sorrow for their pain communicates that you really do care, even if you don’t fully understand.
5. Is there something I can do for you?
This communicates your willingness to help. Sometimes a depressed loved one won’t be able to think of anything specific you can do to help, but just your offer will lend comfort and encouragement. On the other hand, often the little things weigh heavy on the depressed person’s mind. Your offer to help may really lighten their load. But as an aside, don’t offer if you don’t intend to see it through. That would make things much worse. (Practical ways to help a friend in need.)
6. Depression doesn’t mean you are losing your mind.
When you suffer from depression, you can be more susceptible to believing that something is “wrong with you” and that you are the only one who suffers. Depression often has chemical roots just like a thyroid disorder. Having depression makes someone no more crazy than does having hypothyroidism or diabetes.
7. You may not believe this now, but you won’t always feel this way.
This might seem obvious to the nondepressed loved one, but to the depressed individual, they often need reminding that there is hope. The Bible tells us that “Joy comes in the morning” and that’s a reminder that the depressed need to hear.
8. What do you think might help you feel better?
Asking this question helps reorient the depressed individual to think about those things that help them feel better rather than focusing on the negative.
9. Who do you have as a support system?
Asking this question helps the depressed individual think about who they have to lean on through this difficult time. It also lets you know to what degree they are really alone or perceive themselves to be alone.
10. Is there anything that might be making your depression worse?
This question can help the depressed individual begin to think about those thoughts, attitudes, or behaviors that perpetuate their depression that they may not otherwise be aware of.
11. Is there a time when your depression is worse?
This question will clue you into when they are most likely to need your support more. For some, mornings are difficult when it entails facing the whole day ahead with no change in their condition. For others, night time is the loneliest time.
12. We will get through this together.
This communicates your acceptance and your love.
In this case, it isn’t just a cliché. Actions often do speaker louder than words. I’m reminded of the passage in the Bible when Job encountered great hardship. In Job 2:13 it says that his friends came and sat with him for seven days and nights. During that time, they didn’t speak a word because they saw how great his pain was. Words could do nothing to help his misery, but their company spoke volumes.
Remember, when you are speaking to someone who is depressed, your goal is to encourage and uplift them. “But if it were me, I would encourage you. I would try to take away your grief” (Job 16:5 NLT).
How can you encourage a loved one today?
For a free resource that will provide more help when you have a loved one or friend experiencing depression, visit how to help a depressed loved one.
What to say to someone with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness:
(If you have a question you’d like Dr. B to answer, contact her here now. Your name and identity will be kept confidential.)
About “Hope Prevails” and the “Hope Prevails Bible Study”
Want even more help for battling depression? Here’s what others have said about “Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression” and the companion “Hope Prevails Bible Study”.
Testimonials for “Hope Prevails” and the “Hope Prevails Bible Study.”
“Your books and web resources are a God Send and helping me tremendously! I don’t have the words to express my gratitude. After a life of depression, hope is on the horizons…” ~ L.E.
“As a psychologist, I often purchase and study books written by authors who I respect. I am then able to share those books with specific individuals who I feel might benefit. “Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey through Depression,” by Dr. Michelle Bengtson is one of those books. If you are struggling or have struggled with depression, this is a special book that I highly recommend. You’ll not find a better faith-based, practical, real and from-the-heart approach for tackling depression head-on than that shared by Michelle. Always remember that ‘hope prevails.’” ~ H.A.
“I have to tell you that your book, Hope Prevails is my all time favorite non-fiction Christian book EVER. When the Lord led me to buy it, I had no idea how absolutely perfect it would be for me. Just what the Doctor ordered. At first, I read through the whole book, all the time exclaiming “She gets it! She really gets it!” Then, I began going through the book as my morning devotional, page by page, making copious notes and writing out the Scriptures that affected me the most…
Thank you so much and may God bless you abundantly.” ~ PD
MIchelle, I’m visiting from Inspired Bloggers Monday Promo. These are great tips. I’ve suffered with depression. Love, hope, and offers of help are exactly what was needed. Thanks for this!
I’m so glad you liked this post securelyheld and blessingcounterdeb! I don’t want anyone to suffer, but if they do, I want them to find help and hope. Feel free to share to others you think it may help. I hope you’ll return often! Blessings to you!
Wonderful advice. I remember thinking along those same lines when I told friends I had cancer. Thanks!
This is the right time you step in to comfort him/her & show that you always stand by them, as depression can lead to worst disasters at times. Always tell them that this is temporary & things will change as days pass by. Mental support is the big thing that you can give to your loved ones.
Lisa, you are so right…mental support is a big gift to give to a loved one and it will be remembered and appreciated. I clearly remember those who concretely showed their love to us during difficult times! Hope prevails!
Michelle, I absolute loved these concrete examples. You are so very, very helpful and I love remembering your theme of “speaking life.” Thanks for that.
Amy, I’m glad to know you loved the concrete examples. I think many people want to help – they just don’t know how. If this helps one person feel less alone and less helpless this holiday season, I’ve achieved my goal! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! Blessings to you!
Thank you for this info. Good timing! I have a friend who is going through a difficult breakup and is reconsidering getting back together with a man that is verbally abusive to her and her son. It is helpful to have extra tools for encouragement, especially during a season where we aren’t meant to feel closest to others but often can feel the most lonely.
Kristi, I’m glad the information is helpful. I think so often we want to help, but don’t know how. Sometimes it’s ok to say just that to our hurting friend: I love you and I want to help, I just don’t know how.
Such valuable information!!! From someone who has walked the road of depression… more than once… and who has friends and family members who are also there… this advice was spot on. Thank you for your insight… and for sharing that with all of us.
I’m glad you stopped by Sue. It’s my hope that this information will help someone be of help to a depressed loved one. Blessings to you.
I especially LOVE the point of being silent. Silence has been huge here in our home the past couple of days. I keep thinking I must say or do something and then I feel like the Lord prompts me to just be quiet. I am so happy to hear you say it is important. I was so concerned he might go into a deeper depression if I left him in bed and quiet for so long, but he’s up tonight and talking some again. God Bless You Michelle! You were a huge blessing to me in your practice and just in the past couple of weeks that we have joined on FB, I can’t describe how much your posts have been so uplifting and encouraging to me as well as your daily blog. <3
Jo Lynn, I’m glad this post served to validate what the Lord was already showing you. Sometimes we just need confirmation. And He is faithful to provide what we need, just as He will be faithful to provide for your loved one as well. Because of Him, truly Hope Prevails!
Thank you for such valuable information! I need these reminders for a loved one suffering right now. God Bless you! I learned to never loose hope. Love Hope Prevails! Merry Christmas to you.
I always have trouble with communicating with people, even with those I love. My oldest daughter (who is now 19) has problems with depression and other things, and I never know what to say. This post was a great help.
Thanks for sharing on Throwback Thursday over at Tots and Me. So glad you could stop by. I can’t wait to see what you share this week.
Have a very Merry Christmas!!
I’m revisiting some of your posts this morning. Thank you for using your wisdom and courage to bless and encourage others, my friend! You and yours are in my prayers!??❤️❤️??
I’m revisiting them as well Gay, wondering how I can better serve and be a light in such dark places. Thank you for being an encouragement!
These 13 things to say to someone who is depressed or experiencing anxiety are SO GOOD!!! I am doing most of them but just needed reminded what is good to say to encourage and lift their spirits. I want only to encourage those going through this situation. I have been where they are and it truly made a big difference what people said and their attitude towards me. I needed love and to know people cared and I got varying responses and messages from people. Some demeaning and some helpful. Thanks Dr. Michelle for sharing these. Also now you have written Breaking Anxiety’s Grip and in that book you also speak to what we can say to those going through anxiety, fear and worry and all of these 13 things apply too!! You are a blessing and I love and appreciate you!!
I’m surrounded by depressed women. thank you , Michelle!
Great recommendations, Michelle!