Some of our most painful wounds come out of our early childhood experiences. This was true for one of my recent guests on Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast, Phylis Mantelli. Phylis shared of her painful childhood wounds resulting from her relationship with her mother who was unable to express love, leaving Phylis not only wounded, but searching for love in all the wrong places (How to Find Healing from Generational Dysfunction in Families).
I’ve invited Phylis to share more of her story here, as she reflects on what it looks like when a mother’s words leave scars—and how she found healing after a painful childhood.
When a Mother’s Words Leave Scars: Finding Healing After a Painful Childhood
By Phylis Mantelli
“Who do you think you are?” The question was posed to me by my own mother in a very derogatory way when I was a child.
When Words Leave Scars
Have you ever had harsh words spoken over you from a mom who was supposed to protect and love you, but instead became the unsafe person in your life? It took me many years and a heart transformation with God to bring me to peace and a purpose. He wants that for you too.
So many of us are living in a deficient mentality. We do not believe we deserve what we want or have because we listened to a mom’s negative words and placed them on our hearts as truth. It is time to unwind those lies and search for the path that God has in store for you.
“Harsh words, never forgotten; always forgiven.”
When we dig into our generation’s history, we often find huge scars from generations past. This does not mean our parents get a pass on the harm they have done to us, but it helps us to understand why they may not have had good parenting skills. There can also be a mental component involved. What it can do is allow compassion for them (even if it’s from afar) to know that what they did to us was not really about us!
In Numbers 6:26 it says
“May the Lord look with favor on you and give you peace.”
God does want peace for you and loves you. He walked beside you through every dark time. He sees you. We need to find our way to a healthier future.
Beginning the Healing Journey
My mother was suspected of being bi-polar, narcissistic, and an alcoholic. As kids, we never knew what we were coming home to. I lived in a highly anxiety filled existence for years. I numbed out with bad experiences I could escape from. At thirty-five years old I found myself in a church and leaned into God’s Word.
I wish I could say it fixed everything, but the truth is, it takes more to find our healing. Body, mind, and soul. I needed to grieve those parts that felt left out, sad and raging from the unfairness of not having a loving mom. My mom could be loving at times, it was not bad all the time, but she could never find the hope or healing she desperately needed.
I needed to name the pain and take it to our heavenly Father and grieve well. This is also important to share with a trusted therapist or very safe close friend. Getting to the root of your past will lead you to a feeling of freedom. We were not meant to do this journey alone. You don’t have to put on the “Sunday smiles” when people ask you “How are you today?” and you smile your biggest and say, “I’m great!” but inside you are confused, angry, or depressed.
Let me say this; you will be on a healing journey. You will need coping tools so when something triggers you back to that wounded child, you will be able to recognize it and be okay. God will breathe new life into us each step of the way.
What I have found is that the more honest I am about my past, the more I can help others. When we do not feel like we are the only ones who have gone through trauma, we are able to release the junk that keeps us stuck. This will open your world to more loving conversations, and a future family that is not bound by deceit and lies, or secrets.
I took care of my mom until her passing away from dementia in 2007. I was a mom of two young girls. It was a sixteen-year battle of loving her and setting high boundaries to protect my family. I do not regret it, but I will tell you it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
At 61, I wrote my first book “Unmothered” and began my healing journey the next year. Therapy has been a beautiful, painful process. It showed parts of me that had been hidden away. I am grateful God made me brave.
Today, I get to look in my grandchildren’s eyes and experience immense joy and know that I will be there for them through all the good times as well as the hard times. We are not a perfect family, but we are a bonded family.
He wants that for you too. Some of the best books in the Bible are ones of great struggle. Do not give up. Keep searching out your truth and peace. I will be cheering you on from afar.
[If this Sacred Scar Story Series has been a blessing or encouragement to you, consider picking up a copy of Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted.]
When a mother’s words leave scars, healing isn’t instant—but it is possible. Read Phylis Mantelli’s story of setting boundaries, grieving the past, and finding peace. Share on X Harsh words from a parent can echo for decades. But healing after a painful childhood begins with honesty, support, and God’s love. Share on X
About Phylis Mantelli:
Phylis Mantelli is the author of the book “Unmothered” Life with a Mom Who Couldn’t Love Me. She is an inspirational speaker at churches, retreats, conventions, Celebrate Recovery groups, and rotary groups. She is the host of the Unmothered Podcast. She is currently writing her 2nd book on lessons of how to break generational dysfunction. She loves helping and coaching women reach their full God-given potential despite their trauma-filled past. www.phylismantelli.com
Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise that Your Pain is Not Wasted
We all endure trials, pain, and hardship in this life. Too often we believe these experiences disqualify us from being useful to God. But the truth is, your past pain and brokenness serve as preparation for what God wants to do in and through you – if you will surrender to and trust him.
Just as Jesus’s scars didn’t disappear after his resurrection, our emotional or physical scars tell our story and lend credence to our testimony of God’s love and power. If you are ready to turn your past pain into present comfort and future hope, let Dr. Bengtson be your compassionate guide.
Find out more and order here: Sacred Scars
For me it wasn’t so much what she said but she was not really a part of my life as she was in depression the growing years of my life and my mom and dad argued a lot. She stayed in her robe and gown all day if she was up at all. I didn’t know it was depression, I just knew she wasn’t a mom, I couldn’t talk to her or really interact with her. I took care of my younger siblings or we had a housekeeper/nanny several times too. Those years I really do not remember very much. Just bits and pieces but I loved her and I did forgive her. She got better and even worked outside the home but those early years were stressful and I grew up in a lot of fear. Thank you for sharing your story Phylis. It was so very encouraging. Michelle, I have truly been blessed by your Sacred Scars Series.
Karen,
I think mother wounds come in a variety of ways. There is no such thing as a perfect mother, and I think most mothers do the best they can. I’ve learned that it’s generally true that when we know better, we do better. I’m grateful God cares about every wound!
With Hope,
Dr. Michelle
This is a powerful piece — thank you for sharing such a raw and meaningful story. The honesty in recounting childhood wounds from a mother’s harsh words is heavy, and your emphasis on grief, boundary-setting, and finding peace through faith gives a real sense of hope. It’s comforting to read something that affirms the pain and points toward healing.