Last week on Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast, Dr. Michelle and I discussed God’s faithfulness when friendships change. The normal response is to immediately analyze what went wrong when a friendship sours. We examine interactions like a medical examiner conducting an autopsy, filing our findings into a permanent carousel storage to review, looking for the villain or finding a dramatic explanation. But what if the friendship change was simply the result of distance caused by growth?
When Friendship Seasons Change: Questions We Rarely Ask Ourselves
by Rev. Jessica Van Roekel
To continue last week’s discussion, let’s address the questions we rarely ask ourselves when friendship seasons change.
Question 1: What were my hidden expectations in this friendship?
Expectations are those hidden longings we seem to only discover when we face a disappointment. Many friendship struggles don’t begin with betrayal, but with unspoken expectations. Too often we can look to a friend to meet needs only God can meet. He is our source of security and validation, not our friend, as wonderful as she may be. We can transfer our sense of internal well-being onto the shoulders of someone else, and it’s too heavy of a responsibility for them. Disappointment will happen because we’re expecting them to fill an internal need and they can’t. Only God can satisfy our longing for belonging.
When friendship changes take place, reflect on what you were hoping this friendship would provide for you.
Question 2: Who Am I Without this Relationship?
Friendships can shape our routines, self-perception, and daily life. There’s nothing more beautiful than a friend who speaks life and encouragement into our hearts. They can help us see ourselves through a lens clear of self-criticism to give us a glimpse of how God sees us. The risk we encounter is when we begin relying on this friend to bolster our self-esteem to the point where we can’t see ourselves clearly without them. When our identity gets wound into what they say to us and think about us, the relationship can shift without our awareness. It grows one-sided and when the friendship changes and distance occur, questions about our identity fill our minds. There is a difference between losing a friend and losing ourselves. Our deepest identity is found in Jesus Christ, not our friendship.
When friendship change happens, reflect on which parts of your identity became attached to this friend.
Question 3: Am I Romanticizing the Past?
It’s easy to look back at the past and romanticize it. I can wish for slower times when we weren’t so connected to the world, but then I might have to give up my modern conveniences like a washing machine connected to an app so I can send a message to my husband to switch the laundry. We can have selective memory about past friendships where we forget the challenges while magnifying the positives. This can lead to comparing present relationships with idealized memories.
When friendship seasons change, learn to honor the past without living in it.
Question 4: What Does this Friendship Change Reveal about my Heart?
Friendship transitions can uncover things we didn’t know were hiding in our hearts. For example, many of us carry the fear of abandonment. Maybe we’ve been dropped by friends in the past and the pain of the experience causes us to fear it will happen again. People-pleasing tendencies often goes together with fear of abandonment. Because we’re afraid we may lose this friend, we ignore our wants and needs, in favor of what our friend desires. Fear of abandonment and people-pleasing can also lead to the desire for control. Unwittingly, we can become needy and jealous. Sometimes God uses changing relationships to reveal places in our heart where we need healing.
When friendship change occurs, list three emotions that surfaced and ask God to show you what he may be teaching you.
Question 5: How Can I Bless a Friendship After It Changed?
Most well-meaning advice givers will encourage us to move on. They want us to put it in the past and forget. Imagine the healing in our hearts if we learned how to bless what once was. Some of the ways we can bless a changed friendship is to thank God for specific memories, to pray for the person without needing reconciliation, and releasing the need to have the final word. It’s easy to focus on the negatives that caused the friendship to change and forget the shared history of good experiences too. These are the treasures we can keep because they will help us speak well of them when appropriate.
When a friendship ends, write a gratitude letter you’ll never send.
Question 6: How Can I Become the Kind of Friend I Hope to Find?
One of the healthiest responses to friendship transitions is often growth instead of withdrawal. Giving ourselves time to work through the hurt and letting the wounds in our heart heal is a good first step when friendship change takes place. There will come a day when we will be faced with the choice to stay stuck in the hurt or to look for the growth opportunities to become the kind of friend we hope to find. When that day arrives, we can examine ourselves for the character qualities that deepen friendship like faithfulness, humility, or grace. We can also review our willingness to create space for vulnerability and whether we pursue others intentionally or wait for them to pursue us.
When a friendship ends, consider ways in which you can grow as a friend for future relationships.
God’s work continues in all seasons. Some friendships are for a short period and some last to the end of the line. Through it all, God remains our constant and he can use every experience, whether it’s good or bad, to grow and mature us into a brighter reflection of him.
How might God be using this change in your friendship to shape who you are becoming?
Let us know in the comments.
P.S.
Friendships are worth celebrating in every season. If there’s a friend who has encouraged you, walked beside you, or simply made life a little brighter, consider letting her know what her friendship means to you. A thoughtful gift like the Willow Tree Friendship Keepsake Box, Why You’re My Friend: 30 Reasons Why You’re My Friend fill-in-the-blank gift book, or an “A Sweet Friendship Refreshes the Soul” mug can be a simple way to say, “I’m grateful for you.”
When friendship seasons change, we often ask what went wrong. But what if there are better questions to ask? Consider six questions about expectations, identity, healing, and growth. Share on X Not every friendship change means someone is to blame. Sometimes God uses changing relationships to reveal what’s in our hearts and help us grow. Here are six questions to ask when friendship seasons change. Share on X
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