One of my recent guests on the Sacred Scar Story Series on Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast, Karen DeArmond Gardner, lived through a situation that none of us ever wants to believe could happen to us (How to Overcome Shame and Find Healing After Abuse – Episode 287). She was the victim of domestic abuse by her then police officer husband. Karen shared about her painful wounds surrounding that ordeal, as well as the beautiful ways God has brought good from that situation.
What do you do when you’ve experienced deep pain as Karen DeArmond Gardner did with domestic abuse? Some may tell you to simply let it go, and we may even try. But what about when you can’t let it go? Perhaps it’s because you’re being called not to bury the pain, but to face it, heal from it, and uncover the beauty on the other side. Karen shares what she learned through her healing journey.
When You Can’t Let It Go
by Karen DeArmond Gardner
I didn’t want this to be my story. I didn’t want to write a book.
In 2010, God impressed on me to write a book; not just any book, he wanted my story. My arguments were valid as to why I didn’t want to write a book, I’m not a writer. You can learn.
I was fifty-six and not an old dog, yet I was dubious that I could learn to write. Even if I did learn to write, I didn’t want to write a book about my story of domestic abuse.
Who wants to read that story? Not me. I lived it and the idea of having my hard and humiliating moments in a book, NO THANK YOU.
Has he asked you to do something you didn’t think you could do?
I suggested he use someone else. He did and continued to remind me to write the book. Only I wasn’t ready. Have you felt you weren’t ready or qualified? Often God takes us on a journey to heal before he can use our scars to heal others. He doesn’t want the ugly side of our story; he wants to use the beauty of transformation to give others hope that they too can heal.
“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages all their wounds” (Psalm 147:3 NLT). This is a promise you can hang on to. He takes his time to wrap our wounds just as a mother does when you fall and skin your knees. The Hebrew word for wound includes our anxiety, sorrow, grief, anguish and are you ready for this? The mental state of pain of being in an unfavorable circumstance. The anxiety, sorrow, grief, and anguish are the result of the unfavorable circumstances. Often not from our choices but from the choices others made for us.
What is your unfavorable circumstance? Mine was escaping a thirty-year abusive marriage at fifty-one. I was filled with regrets, overwhelming fear and shame, doubting everything about myself. Was it even possible to start over? Especially as a divorced woman in a world that valued marriage? And very few people understood the dynamics of domestic abuse. It wasn’t a topic for discussion in Christian circles.
In the years after leaving, I put on a façade of strength when I realized no one wanted to hear my story. The look of pity and disgust on their face told me all I needed to know about how they felt, as if something was wrong with me that I would stay. I’m strong, they would say, I wouldn’t put up with THAT for five minutes. I said the same thing as a young twenty-year-old.
It would take me seven years after leaving to discover it was possible to heal the trauma and pain I buried and covered with a version of me I could live with. I wasn’t ready to dig up that grave of pain, who knows what I would uncover.
The most terrifying step is the first one. Saying yes to meet with a group of women I didn’t know once a week to start grave digging. By the end of the group, I thought I’d be healed and over the pain, instead it was just the beginning.
When It’s Not Time To Let It Go
Some may tell you to get over it, to let it go. We may try to let it go, only it continues to haunt you. Not just in your dreams but in your waking hours. What if the reason you can’t let it go, is that it’s not time? What if you should take time to sit with your pain, invite Jesus in, and face it?
“And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name” (Isaiah 45:3 NLT).
Jesus is the treasure in our darkness. The Hebrew word for hidden is a place we can dwell for an indeterminate length of time. We can stay as long as we want or need with him. Why does Jesus want to sit with you? He wants you to know who he really is and not what our trauma says he is AND so we can know who we are. The two are connected, knowing him and knowing us.
Healing may feel impossible, especially since it’s not quick; it’s a slow process. And for good reason. Healing helps us recover, to mend, to repair, or to rebuild the harm done to us. Also to bring us back to a preferable state. The question is what preferable state do you want to be in? And what if you don’t need to know that answer to that just yet.
Turning Ashes into Beauty and Wounds into Scars
Some wounds healed easily leaving faint scars that faded over time, then there are the deeper wounds that won’t heal without deep heart work. Each scar was a reminder of the hard work of healing, each tell the story of hardship and beauty of healing.
Surviving domestic abuse didn’t make me stronger, healing did. God didn’t allow my ex-husband to abuse me so I would have a testimony or start a ministry. However, he took what the abuser meant for evil and brought good out of it. He takes the ashes of our healing and turns it into beauty.
God isn’t controlling, he gave us free will to choose, he doesn’t have a plan that we have to find or figure out what it is. He wants to partner with us in our purpose.
Though it took me a while to know what I was passionate about, the call to write the book didn’t go away. Yet until I discovered my passion was to help survivors of domestic abuse, I couldn’t write a book that would help women find the freedom I did.
Do I tell my story? Yes.
Did I write the book? I did.
What purpose is God inviting you into? Maybe it’s time to find out.
[If Karen’s story, or any of the stories in the sacred scar series have encouraged you, consider picking up a copy of Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted.]
When you can't let it go, it might be a sign that healing is calling you to face the pain instead of burying it. @kgardnerauthor shares her #sacredscars story from brokenness to hope. Share on X Struggling to move on from a painful past? @kgardnerauthor shares her personal story of healing and how facing her wounds, instead of hiding them, brought her healing. Ready to take that first step toward healing? Share on X
About Karen DeArmond Gardner
Karen DeArmond Gardner is a certified advocate who provides emotional support for domestic abuse survivors. Walking with survivors in the aftermath of domestic, as they discover how to reframe what is normal and real as they process their pain and trauma. Learning how to move from hopelessness to hope and from death to life through mentoring and inner healing.
Connect with Karen: Website / Facebook / Instagram / X
Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise that Your Pain is Not Wasted
Now Available!
We all endure trials, pain, and hardship in this life. Too often we believe these experiences disqualify us from being useful to God. But the truth is, your past pain and brokenness serve as preparation for what God wants to do in and through you – if you will surrender to and trust him.
Just as Jesus’s scars didn’t disappear after his resurrection, our emotional or physical scars tell our story and lend credence to our testimony of God’s love and power. If you are ready to turn your past pain into present comfort and future hope, let Dr. Bengtson be your compassionate guide.
Find out more and order here: Sacred Scars
