Dear Dr. B.,
I’m really angry with someone who harmed me. I know I should forgive them, but I don’t feel like it. How do I forgive when I don’t feel like forgiving? What advice do you have for me?Â
Forgiveness Challenged
Dear Challenged,
I’m glad you asked. So much of what we struggle with comes from carrying around bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness in our hearts. Recognizing the need to forgive is the first step, and you’ve done that.
Unforgiveness is like drinking a poison and expecting it to kill the other person. It doesn’t quite work that way!
How do you forgive even when you don’t want to?
In my practice, I often hear, “But, I can’t forgive them. It’s like forgetting what they have done.”
Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about saying to God, “I give them and the situation to You because I know You can handle it better than I can.”
When you release the situation to God, the burden is no longer yours to carry, but His. He says He is our defender and He will fight for us.
He says in Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”
Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling
Don’t mistake forgiveness for feelings. People often say they do not feel like forgiving or they have forgiven someone but still do not feel it.
Sometimes, it takes our body and our mind time to catch up. Declare you forgive them and believe it. The feeling will come later. Forgiveness is an act of will. If we wait to forgive until we feel like it, it will never happen.
Choose to forgive. Let God take care of the rest.
Hope Prevails!
DrB
Hope Prevails Book and Hope Prevails Bible Study {hope for overcoming depression}
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Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression and the new companion Hope Prevails Bible Study help the reader understand: how depression comes to be, recover their joy, reclaim their peace, and re-establish their true identity, while knowing their worth, remembering their secure destiny, and being confident that nothing separates them from God’s love.
“Dr. Michelle Bengtson sent this ball over the fence! Hope Prevails is the most helpful and practical thing I’ve read on dealing with depression! A compassionate filled work from someone who’s been through the struggle personally. This is a must have resource for anyone struggling with depression or for those who know someone who is. Armed with Scripture, Dr. Bengtson gives step-by-step strategies for combating the lies of the evil one. Hope is on every page!” ~ K Douglas Brown, Associate Pastor of Family Ministries at Metropolitan Baptist Church in Oklahoma City, OK, author, Shotgun Rider: Restoring Your Passion for the Ministry Trail
Yes, and when it comes right down to it, it is a command . . . and when we do what God says, life just goes much better! Thank you for putting a spotlight on the truth today at the Soli Deo Gloria link up.
Yes, Michele, you make a beautifully valid point. Life is always better when we are obedient to God. In obedience, and with His help, we can make the choice to forgive.
I needed this today! I had some feelings arise this past weekend that showed me haven’t forgiven my previous church as much as I had thought. But I will declare forgiveness, so my head and heart will follow! Glad I stopped by from Titus 2 Tuesday.
Oh Winter, I’m so glad this met you where you were in need today. I’ve found that sometimes even after I’ve forgiven, if the “yuck” feelings come back, I need to forgive again. He is so faithful. I’m so glad you stopped by today. I hope you’ll stop by again. Hope Prevails!
So true. Most of the time we don’t “feel” anything. The choice starts a beautiful transformation. It’s surrendering to God who can do these wonderful changes. He can heal like no other. I can testify to this.
Thank you for sharing truth Debbie! Forgiving another absolutely does require surrendering to God, then He brings about the change. So glad you’ve experienced that in your own life! Let’s encourage others. Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
We forgive bc He forgave us. So important! Who am I to not extend grace after what He has done for me!? Also, He requires us to forgive so it’s si,etching to prayerfully work toward for sure.
Oh yes, Kelly, Christ provided the perfect example for us. While we can never achieve perfection this side of heaven, He did set a standard for us to prayerfully work toward. In forgiving others, we release ourselves from that weighty burden of being their judge and allow God to restore brokenness. Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
I’ve been working on forgiving someone for awhile now. It’s been such a process, but I’ve experienced so much freedom. Thanks for sharing this post that is packed with so much truth. I’m glad you linked up at #ThreeWordWednesday.
I know how hard it can be to forgive someone at times, Kristin. Just keep making that choice. God is looking for a willing heart, and you’re right…with that comes so much freedom. I’m so glad you joined us here-I hope you’ll come back again sometime!
As always I love your posts. There have been many times I have had to declare forgiveness before it became a reality. I’ve found praying for those I’m struggling with is one of the best ways to do this. Thank you for your wisdom and linking up at #JoyHopeLive
I love seeing your joyful, hopeful face show up in my comment feed! Your words are a blessing to me and others. I think what you describe is a common experience…we often have to make the choice to declare forgiveness before our feelings catch up. But that’s ok. God doesn’t look at our feelings…He looks at our willing heart. Hope to see you here again soon! Hope Prevails!
Sometimes it is hard to forgive, but you are so right…it truly does help. To forgive is one thing, to forget another.. Thanks for sharing at the #HomeMattersParty – we’re looking forward to what you have to share next week. 🙂
~Lorelai
Life With Lorelai
Thanks for stopping by, and taking the time to comment Lorelai. I pray you are as blessed by our posts as we are by you. I find that true forgiveness is rarely easy, but neither is carrying around the anger, resentment, and bitterness that crops up if we don’t. I don’t want that baggage weighing me down. Blessings to you!
When I was dealing with my husband’s porn addiction, I really thought that if I forgave him…really forgave him, it would be the same as excusing his behavior. I am SO thankful for God teaching me the fullness of forgiveness – that it is a letting go of anger and revenge and letting God have His way with my heart.
That’s a common concern Jennifer. But forgiving another is telling God we trust Him to handle the situation better than we could. Jesus forgave us, and despite all there was to forgive, He willingly gave up His life for us. Forgiveness brings about healing in our own hearts, and lets God be responsible for theirs. Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
Very true words … thank you for sharing. ~Sarah (visiting from Radical Femininity)
I’m glad you visited Sarah. Thanks for your kind words. I hope we’ll see you here again sometime. Blessings!
Dr Michelle,
So true…blessings 🙂
Thanks Dolly! Hope you’ll stop by again sometime soon.
Thank you so much for this post – I’m dealing with a situation in my life that was a horrendous hurt to my daughter and I but the last few weeks I’ve ran across a lot of articles and posts on forgiveness. I’ve learned that forgiveness isn’t a one time deal but a choice to forgive every time the situation arises in your life. I’m also leaning on God’s grace to help me learn to forgive. Blessings. Visiting from Sat. Soiree.
Forgiveness can be hard because we feel pain. But actually, forgiveness releases our pain to God to heal instead of holding onto it ourselves. Keep seeking Him-He sees you and your pain and He wants to help! Because of Him, Hope Prevails.
Hi Dr. Michelle,
I love your sentiments. However, I picked you as the most inspirational last week. It might get frowned on if I picked you two weeks in a row!
Thank you for coming to the linky party.
Janice, one of your hostesses.
Thank you for the sweet compliment Janice! Blessings!
My dear Dr. Michelle, this post has left me speechless {in a good way}. You share your words with such love and encouragement and it’s truly a blessing! I am often reminded of God’s precious forgiveness…. He has forgiven me, a wretched sinner….oh what love! If He can forgive me than through Him I can forgive others – may I be a living testimony of the Lord and His love. Thank you so much for sharing this post with Roses of Inspiration. I was greatly blessed. Hugs to you!
Sweet Stephanie, God is the best role model. You ARE a living testimony of the Lord and His love. You are a daughter of the Most High God! Because of Him, Hope Prevails!
I’ve read a hundred articles trying to find a way to forgive. Most of them feel like a Nike commercial…”just do it”. I tried and tried but I can’t do it. I’ve prayed and I still can’t do it. The very name of this person causes me anxiety. The thought of having to be around her and act like everything is fine shows me that I still have a ways to go to get to forgiveness. This article has made more sense than all the rest. Hopefully these thoughts and ideas will get me to where I need to be. Thank you.
Reading this again today because this is always relevant. We always have someone we need to forgive. I’m currently working on it again this week. My mind wants to forgive but my heart hasn’t caught up yet. I trust the Lord will keep working on me!
Agree, we can’t mistake feelings for forgiveness. If I waited until I felt like forgiving, I’d wait forever! I ask the Lord often to help me forgive even when the emotions don’t come along until later or even if they never come.