Have you ever read a book that just gob smacked you? You just knew the author wrote it for you at just the time you needed it? That’s how I felt when I began Cynthia Ruchti’s book Spouse in the House. And that’s when I realized, I wasn’t the only one who had had to adjust to having a spouse in the house all the time! That’s when I decided to have Cynthia as a guest on Your Hope-Filled Perspective podcast. We talked about how to thrive in marriage with a spouse in the house. But lest readers think authors never have to revisit their own work and their own revelations, Cynthia shares more here about how she continues to navigate a marriage with a spouse in the house 24/7.
Be sure to read to the end for a book giveaway!
(If there are affiliate links in this post, meaning, if you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission (at no extra cost to you)).
The Power of Gratitude (and Noise-Canceling Headphones) with a Spouse in the House
By Cynthia Ruchti
Let me preface my comments with this statement: I am not old enough for this. Yes, like all alive people, I’m aging. But because of unique circumstances, I calculated today that I have had a home-all-the-time husband for most of the past 22 years.
Also, I’ve worked from home or conducted ministry from our house that…whole…time.
You’d think I’d be better at the 24/7 thing by now.
Spouse in the house
My husband was forced into an extremely early retirement, then worked part-time for a while, then had a debilitating accident, then worked a much lighter part-time schedule, then retired his lunch pail (or cooler).
Every single year of our marriage, and every year of this extended on again off again 24/7 arrangement, I’ve learned something new about myself, about him, and about what works and doesn’t work when there’s always a spouse in the house.
This week, the breakthrough was the power of gratitude. And the wonder of noise-canceling headphones. Somehow God thought it wise to pair a sports-lover with a sports-barely-tolerator. No matter the season—not marked by months but by which sport is currently televised: baseball, pro football, college football, pro basketball, college basketball—few days of the week don’t offer something for a sports-lover’s viewing pleasure.
The gift of noise-canceling headphones
Hence, God’s gift of noise-canceling headphones. I can be near my husband but unaffected by the games that don’t interest me (I do cheer for several teams, so it’s not that I’m an extremist).
This week, I’ve grabbed the noise-canceling headphones during my husband’s phone calls with a hard-of-hearing friend, his phone calls that necessitated a long wait-time of unpleasant music on speaker phone, and I’ve lost track of how many games that mattered to him and did not matter to me.
Mattered to him. If I’d been motivated by “fairness” or “even-Stephen,” I might have demanded equal time with the remote, or insisted that he not enjoy those activities during the times of day that require quiet for concentration on my work.
They mattered to him. Our solution was the investment in high quality headphones. They’re an act of love, not distancing.
It’s been a big week in that arena. Two spouse-in-the-house reminders for me.
The power of gratitude
I caught myself telling God I was thankful for my husband’s diligence in taking over emptying the dishwasher. But I’d neglected to tell my husband about my gratitude for him.
Easy fix. I told him. Then told him another time that I appreciate his feeding the outdoor wood boiler and keeping our house warm in winter. Then I told him “Thanks for doing that” when he emptied the garbage, which has traditionally been his domain for more years than I can count.
Gratitude begets gratitude. And interestingly, gratitude begets hope. A little seed of tension tried to wiggle its way between us this week. I launched a gratitude missile and the tension was eliminated before it could work its destruction. I could almost hear God cheering. And I viscerally felt hope rise because I’d chosen to reinstitute an effective tool to make the 24/7-ness of our togetherness a more peaceful environment.
A little gratitude…and good quality headphones…can change the atmosphere.
About Cynthia Ruchti
Cynthia Ruchti tells stories hemmed-in-hope through novels, nonfiction, and speaking events for women or writers. Since 2010, she’s released 37 books. Cynthia is a senior literary agent with Books and Such Literary Management. She and her husband live in the heart of Wisconsin, not far from their three kids and six grandkids.
Connect with Cynthia: Website / Facebook / Twitter / Instagram
Book Giveaway
In conjunction with this post and the podcast interview, Cynthia is giving away a free copy of her book Spouse in the House: Rearranging Our Attitudes to Make Room for Each Other.
Leave a comment below sharing with us one thing you learned about how you can change the atmosphere in your home with a little bit of gratitude and you will be entered into the contest for your chance to win a copy of her book.
You could also share this blog post on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter then comment here to tell us where you shared it and you’ll also be entered into the drawing.
The winner will be selected at random and announced next Monday, June 5, 2023. Continental United States only.
Wow, that hit home…my husband retired before me. I retired about 10 years ago….it’s been a challenge… We’re both learning as we go….this blog was very helpful. Thank you!
Bonnie, I’m glad you found this blog post helpful. You might find a few more beneficial tips in my podcast episode with Cynthia.
Learning as we go–indeed!!!!
The day after my husband retired, about every ten minutes he would walk in the kitchen and ask me what I was doing. After a few days it became annoying and I thought, this is going to need to stop. I needed an attitude adjustment and with the help of a friend, I realized my husband cared about me and it was his way of showing it. I learned to smile, tell him what I was doing and then ask him what he was doing. After five years of 24/7 living the frequency of the inquires has subsided substantially. When he does ask, I still respond the same and he usually says, “I am just checking in.”
Sonja, I’m sure that was quite an adjustment if it was something you weren’t used to. But how sweet of your husband to care enough about you to WANT to “just check in.” I know some wished their spouse cared that much. Glad you learned that it came from a heart that meant well.
Aww…just checking in. 🙂
I realized when reading this that I, too, should verbalize “Thank you” for menial tasks my husband does. I expect him to help though and we both work from home so it’s a partnership, right?!! Uh no…I realize the housework is typically “my” job so he doesn’t feel he has to do it. But now I will verbally thank him…maybe he’ll do more!!! Thank you for the tip. Looking forward to more!!
Debi, I understand what you’re saying. But I have to admit, even after being married several decades, even though we have some tasks divided into “his” and “mine,” I still appreciate when he appreciates my effort, so I have to believe he’d appreciate a simple thank you too. Let us know how it goes!
I heard Brene Brown say something to the effect that rather than 50/50, we should always find out where each of us is at the moment. For instance, when we check in, each of us is free to say, “I’m operating at about 20 percent right now.” The response might be, “I’m less than 5%,” so the 20% person might step up and say, “Here, let me unload the dishwasher.” Or “If I can have 15 minutes to recharge, I’ll take care of that.” 🙂
I’m not entering the contest but would like to know exactly what noise-canceling headphones you have because I have several and none of them are good.
I have a set of Bose noise-cancelling headphones. Best…investment…ever. Plus, music sounds great through them! I know there are less expensive brands, though, that do a good job. I’m a music lover, so I went for what would cover both needs.
Hi Cynthia,
Thank you for your wonderful tips for living with a spouse in the house 24/7. Although I’ve been doing that since my husband retired in 2016, I still struggle with the noise/interruptions when I’m working at home. The most powerful tip I received from you today is the power of a good quality pair of noise-cancelling headphones. I’ve never heard of that tip before and plan on looking for a pair today! We live in an apartment and I frequently struggle with noise when I’m trying to concentrate. Thank you and God bless. Your story provided much encouragement for me.
Kristine, I’m so glad you tuned in and benefited from Cynthia’s wisdom and experience. I think you might find that a good set of those noise canceling headphones helps you to enjoy the time together but not feel like your husband’s presence is a constant distraction. I have the opposite issue some days–my husband all-too-frequently has ear buds in, so I have to work to GET his attention 😉
The headphones save my sanity when my husband has to make a phone call, too, but I still have to think. 🙂
Sometimes using the noise-cancelling headphones is like walking into a private office for a few minutes. 🙂 Or an hour.
Awesome!!! I have some of those good quality noise-canceling headphones now!! I loved the podcast that you did with Cynthia and I LOVE this blog too. I am already doing some of what you two suggest and it is working well. Now we have an added plus in that we both enjoy basically the same things and we do NOT watch TV. We may watch a video on our computer and we sit side by side in our office but we do not bother each other because we BOTH have noise-canceling headphones!! Thank you two for such a super informative, helpful, funny, enjoyable podcast and blog about something that could create major issues in a marriage relationship but your suggestions take the situation out of the enemy’s hands and brings peace into the home of the 24/7 spouse in the house situation. God is so good!!!
Karen, I know this is a big adjustment for many. Like Cynthia mentioned, people are accustomed to preparing for marriage, including premarital counseling, but we rarely think about the preparation that would be helpful for us to coexist with our spouse later in life when we’re each a bit more set in our ways, and constant togetherness can feel like “a bit too much of a good thing.” Glad you two have figured out what works well for you!
Your words were a great encouragement. Thank you!
Posted on Twitter. My husband has the headphones, which probably saved our marriage! Because my husband is currently in a wheelchair, our togetherness is frequent, but I have begun to schedule on my calendar ministry work time. I work in our office with the door closed. Dave knows the hours I have scheduled to work, it also k owns if he needs me, he can call me on my cell. This works great for us.
Edwina, I’m glad you and Dave have figured out what works best for you both. I think that’s a big part of it, is realizing we both have a right to the space and the time, and finding what works to accommodate the needs of each without feeling like you’re giving up a part of yourself.
I always thought that texting a husband in the other room or calling was…a sign of not being willing to go find my man. 🙂 But now I realize that it can be a wonderful help to keep interruptions to a minimum for both of us. He can respond when he’s free rather than answer my holler when he’s welding in the garage. 🙂
Cynthia, I always felt like I was being lazy if I texted him when he was in the house or the yard. But now we both occasionally text the other, which minimizes the distraction and keeps either of us from getting out of “the zone.”
My husband is not yet in the house 24/7 but I don’t think it will be much longer. He spends more & more time home every week & it’s a tense atmosphere. I’m thankful for the recommendation of sidestepping what could end up an argument by interjecting a feeling of gratitude. I let him watch his shows & if I’m not interested I’ll read…he hates that. Maybe books on take with those headphones will be a better idea. Thank you b
I haven’t tried this part, but it would be interesting to find or make outer covers for the headphone ear pieces that say “I still love you!” 🙂
Cynthia, I actually love that idea!
Having a “spouse in the house” house has also helped to increase my gratitude and add a bit to my prayers. When there are those times that make me cringe a bit or think a bit less than kindly, I recall the subtle ways my husband constantly shows his love for me in the myriad “little” things he regularly does. I also remember how many women I know who would love to have their husbands around to get on their nerves. I give thanks to God for the wonderful man he allowed into my life so many years ago and I offer up a special prayer for those who are alone or lonely!
Beautiful response, Rena!
It’s such a simple, yet beautiful idea to tell your husband “thank you” for the things that you notice and thank God for. I do this, but I definitely need to do more of it! My husband is not yet a 24/7 at home hubby, that will probably be another 20-25 years from now, but unfortunately, unless a miracle occurs, I won’t be here for it. I don’t think my husband would be able to take being home all the time though. I run my blog from my home since I’m unable to work around people, so when he’s off, we’re both home. He’s amazing about leaving me alone to work. He will bring me Cokes throughout the day and check to see if I need him to run to Walmart for any craft supplies though. He’s a great hubby! We recently joked that he’ll work until the Lord brings him home because he can’t just do nothing. Even if he retires, he’ll find something to do all day! I’m visiting from Sweet Tea & Friends. I’d love to have you come link up on Crafty Creators Link Party (Thurs-Mon) if you get a chance!
Niki | Life as a LEO (law enforcement officer) Wife
Niki, that sweet gesture of asking if you need craft supplies? That’s swoon-worthy!
What a wonderful message and such a great lesson.
Thank you so very much for sharing this with Sweet Tea & Friends this month dear friend.
Paula, thanks so much for stopping by, and for all you do for the kingdom. I appreciate you.
I appreciate you too sweet friend ❤️
Although my husband and I pray daily with each other every morning, I make it a point to tell him that I am glad he is in my life and that I appreciate him. We do not like the same television shows, nor do some of the household tasks the same, but we are flexible with each other.
Betty, praying together and a heart of gratitude is so important. Too often we treat those we love worse than those who aren’t in that closer inner circle!