Several years ago, my husband and I experienced the devastating loss of a child to miscarriage. Nothing can prepare you for the pain and shock of learning your baby no longer had a heartbeat. The grief-filled experience taught me a few things that I can share to encourage other mothers and parents who are grieving. These 5 encouraging words for mothers who have lost a child will bring comfort.
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The pain and grief of losing a child
He looked tenderly in my eyes, glanced back at the monitor willing it to sound the usual comforting rhythmic beat before looking back at me and gently alerting me to the new reality of my condition. “I hate to tell you this, but the baby no longer has a heartbeat.”
“What?! No!!” I looked at the doctor and then at my husband who was standing next to the table I was on. We both looked at the monitor and then the doctor in disbelief. “There must be a mistake. Look again,” I begged as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
“I’m going to send you for a higher level ultrasound, but I need you to be prepared that you’re miscarrying this baby.”
“YOU”—that’s what I heard. “You are miscarrying this baby.” As if it was on purpose. When in actuality, I had followed every doctor’s order. I had watched my diet, got enough rest, taken my vitamins faithfully. But when I left the doctor’s office that day what I felt was shame, guilt, and despair.
I called my mother, who lived several states away and was undergoing treatment for cancer. “Mom, the doctor can’t find a heartbeat. I’m afraid we’ve lost the baby,” I choked out between sobs. She cried and I cried. By the time I got home, I felt all alone. I didn’t know anyone else who had suffered a miscarriage or the loss of a child. No one else who understood the grief that was settling in like an unwanted wet blanket.
In society, little attention is given to the grief associated with miscarriage or death of a child. Because it seems to be almost a taboo topic, women are left to suffer in silence, feeling all alone, despite the fact that 10-20% of recognized pregnancies will end prematurely in miscarriage.
Unlike other forms of grief when we lose loved ones and we grieve the loss of what we had, grief associated with miscarriage is the loss of an anticipated future. When we lose a loved one to death, we have memories, photos, and other memorabilia to remind us of the one we love. Yet when we lose a child to miscarriage, all we have our imaginations of what that life would hold.
When friends don’t talk about the miscarriage or death of a child, often because they don’t know what to say or don’t want to say the wrong thing, it leaves grieving parents to feel as if they don’t have the right to mourn. And many women, like me, feel a sense of failure, shame, guilt, or inadequacy which only complicates their grief. Research suggests that up to 30% of mothers who have lost a pregnancy will experience significant emotional reactions like depression or anxiety. And the majority of marriages that endure the death of a child result in divorce, another loss.
Many think that a subsequent pregnancy will ease the pain of the prior loss, but that just isn’t so. In fact, women who have experienced a prior loss are more likely to experience depression or anxiety during subsequent pregnancies.
I’ll never forget my first Mother’s Day after miscarrying our baby. By that point, we should have been celebrating the baby’s birth and many firsts, yet every television commercial, every hallmark card, every time I heard the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day,” my gut wrenched and the memories of that fateful day in the doctor’s office stabbed me in the heart again.
It’s been some time now since that grief-filled period of my life but I learned a few things through it.
Words of encouragement for parents who lost a child
1) There is no shame in grieving the loss of such a precious gift.
When Jesus found out that His beloved friend, Lazarus, had died, He wept. “’Where have you put him?’ he asked them. They told him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Then Jesus wept.” (John 11:34-35)
2) God loves your child and places a high priority on children, and you will see them again.
“Then the little children were brought to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them and pray for them; and the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But Jesus said, “Let the children come to Me, and do not hinder them! For the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:13-14)
3) God cares about you and your grief.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18)
4) God will catch every one of your tears that fall.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)
5) It may not feel like it when you are in the middle of such grief, but God doesn’t waste your pain.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28)
5 encouraging words for mothers who have lost a child
A Prayer for a Mother Who Lost a Child
From one mother to another, may I pray for you?
Dear Heavenly Father,
I know how much you love your precious daughter. She is in pain over the loss of her precious child. I’m so thankful you can sympathize with her suffering because you, too, lost a child. Father, I pray you will guard her heart and mind against the lies of the enemy, and unintentionally harmful comments from others who haven’t walked in her shoes and don’t understand the grief she feels. Father, you are the God of all comfort. Would you comfort her heart right now. Will you be the lifter of her head. Will you remind her how very much she and her precious child are loved. And will you tend to the desires of her heart. We know that your word says you love to lavish good gifts on your children. Lavish your love on her today. Heal the hurt and wounded places. Do not let her pain be in vain. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.
Even in grief, because of Him, #HopePrevails!
For an additional resource of encouragement for one experiencing grief and loss, read Love Has Come: A 30-Day Journey of Hope and Encouragement for Those Experiencing Grief and Loss By Melinda Gordon.
For additional reading resources for grief, visit my mental health resources for grief page.
Hope Prevails Book and Hope Prevails Bible Study {hope for overcoming depression}
Available now through book retailers!
Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression and the new companion Hope Prevails Bible Study help the reader understand: how depression comes to be, recover their joy, reclaim their peace, and re-establish their true identity, while knowing their worth, remembering their secure destiny, and being confident that nothing separates them from God’s love.
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Dear Michelle, I wish someone had shared this with me when I had my first miscarriage. I felt so lost and wondered what could have gone wrong. I had two daughters already at the time ages 4 and 2, and they were a comfort. I did have friends who helped and a pastor who prayed with me and those were helpful. It was still hard, though, but God did provide comfort. Blessings to you! Thanks for linking up with us at the #LMMLinkup.
Gayl, sadly there aren’t many resources and many women who go through the loss of a child feel all alone. We need others to come alongside us, link arms, and let us know we aren’t alone. But thankfully, because of Him, #HopePrevails!
Great post and Dr Michelle! Being one who has suffered miscarriage I can tell you, I felt all these emotions. I so wish I had a resource like this 25 years ago when I was going through it. Blessings upon you and your ministry.
Debbie,
I wish this wasn’t one more thing we have in common, but I can’t say I’m surprised. I do believe God brings people into our lives who can share from personal experience. He designed us for community and I’m so grateful for you!
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing these words with us. I have never lost a child, but know those who have, and it’s helpful to know there are things I can say to encourage and uplift. Visiting from #TeaAndWord. 🙂
Emily,
I think many would be shocked to find out that they know others who have lost a child. Sometimes the words we say aren’t as important as just being present in the pain. Thanks for stopping by!
What good and beautiful encouragement, Michelle. Thank you for linking up over at GraceFull Tuesday!
Ronja,
Thank you for creating a safe environment to share with others. I pray it encourages others who need it today.
Excellent advice and comfort on a really difficult topic, Michelle. I’m bookmarking this to share as needed.
Anita,
I pray that my sharing openly will help others who don’t have a safe place to share, and help them to not feel so alone. It’s a tragedy for sure, but I trust even in times like this, God uses all things for our good. Because of Him, #HopePrevails.
Thank you for this. I lost my second child. She lived an hour after birth, and my heart has never been the same.
Lisa,
My heart hurts for you. There is no loss so great as the loss of a child. It does change something in us, and leaves a hole that only God can fill. My prayer is that even now, He would continue to fill that hole in your heart with more of Him. Hugs and prayers. Michelle
Michelle,
Your words touched my heart so much today. There is so much we can’t begin to understand or grasp in our finite understanding. And this is one of them for me. I am so sorry for your loss. My momma heart hurts for you. Thank you for your encouraging reminders about grief and about how to deal with loss Biblically. Thank you for sharing this with the #gracemoments community. I have chosen it as one of my selected posts to share in this week’s #GraceMoments Link up!
Blessings,
Dawn
Dawn,
Thank you for your kind words. I pray that by being vulnerable and sharing that it will let others know they aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing this post with others so that they can feel less isolated and more understood. There are many things we won’t understand this side of heaven, but Because of Him, #HopePrevails!
I lost two children, a son & daughter, both stillborn a year apart…it forever changed my life & the lives of my other children, their siblings. I specialized in Grief counseling for many years as a clinical consultant…but in recent years there was a residual that surfaced after the death of my late husband to brain cancer…
Just wondering if you reply to comments Michelle?
Jennifer
Oh Jennifer, I’m so very sorry for your losses. I know saying I’m sorry doesn’t change a thing, nor does it lessen your pain. May I pray for you?
Father, I lift up Jennifer to you, as well as her children. The losses they sustained have been great, and they leave a hole that only you can fulfill. Father, would you comfort them as only you can. Would you hold them close and be their strong tower. Would you bring others around them to support them and be the hands and feet of Jesus. Would you bend your ear to hear their cries, and catch every single one of their tears. Draw them close by your love. In Jesus’s name, amen.
Thank you Michelle for your prayer & reply, I appreciate both :-).
I shared a little of my journey in “The Marie Antoinette Tea” & “Home sweet home” posts.
But have also published two books, one of my journey through my babies deaths & my death experience in giving birth to my son & what I saw while in heaven.
The other of my journey with my husband through caring for him with brain cancer, his death & my ensuing grief & victory over the valley of the shadow of death through Him. Unfortunately they are both out of print at the moment….stocks are taking awhile to replenish…
Sharing our testimony through writing is very cathartic…don’t you think? 🙂
Jennifer
Thank you Michelle, I appreciate your prayer & kind reply.
Jennifer
I can relate a bit to your pain in losing your baby as I passed some tissue one day and it could tell that it was a baby just beginning. It startled me cause I did not know I was pregnant at this point and prayed asking for the Lord’s comfort. I can’t imagine the heartache you felt with not hearing the heartbeat. So thankful for these helps you give. I always save them so I can share them with others who need that word of encouragement. Thank you Dr. Michelle for sharing your heart and real life with us. I love you and continue daily praying for you.
No one ever gets over losing a child. My parents lost a baby when he was only days old and neither one ever got over it. When my dad died of cancer, I asked him if he had any regrets. His only regret was the only thing out of his control, that Lawrence could not live. Now, my other brother had recently lost a son and though his son was older, this is tearing him up inside and out. I am sharing these verses with my brother and sister-in-law. Thank you.
Oh Becky, I am so sorry for your parents’ and brother’s loss. I agree that that is one thing that many don’t ever get through. I pray though, that with time the pain will lessen, and that they will take comfort in knowing they will see their child again.
Dr.Michelle – I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for allowing God to use your pain to help others. You are amazing and are in my prayers. Maree
Maree, I appreciate your kind words. I don’t believe God ever wastes our pain, but I think sometimes we do. My desire is to use whatever pain God has allowed in my life to speak into the pain and brokenness where others currently are to give them hope. If I have done that, then it is a testimony to God’s faithfulness to bring beauty for ashes.