Embracing the Golden Rule in Parenting Adult Kids

By Mary DeMuth

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave a simple but profound command to his disciples. “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12).

Think back on your early adult years and ask yourself:

• How would I have preferred my parents to treat me during that time?
• What didn’t help me in the long run?
• What did they do that really empowered me to move forward?
• What can serve as a cautionary tale for me now as I love my adult kids?
• What have my parents apologized for in their treatment of me as an adult? (Or what have I longed for them to apologize for if they haven’t?)

We often learn best from negative example. When my husband Patrick and I got married, his parents did not treat us with kindness. So upset that I was not Catholic and that we would not have a Catholic wedding, they spent a lot of time undermining us, sometimes yelling, pulling each of us aside to berate us. Their manner was abusive, so much so that we had to separate from them for a period of time for our mental health. (Of course, we made this decision with much fear. We sought a lot of counsel before we separated).

That traumatic time has helped us tremendously as we parent our adult kids. God has so beautifully woven this pain into something beautiful by the way we (hopefully) are choosing to be different. He truly does work everything into good—even pain from the past. He trained us in what not to do.

When our son got engaged, we remembered all the angst we experienced and determined to be supportive, joyful, and helpful. Getting married is hard enough, but to have your parents mitigate against it would not have been constructive. We’ve reminded ourselves that our son is an adult, and this is his decision. (And his new wife is beautiful, smart, and amazing!)

When it comes to verbalizing our anger or confusion or frustration to our adult kids, simply asking ourselves how we prefer to be talked to is instructive. Do we respond better when someone is angry? Or when they’re calm? Do we give into manipulation? Do we push back against passive aggressive behavior? Chances are, we don’t love manipulation, veiled threats, or false accusations. All those behaviors put us on edge, so why would we employ the same tactics with our kids?

The Golden Rule helps us do the following:

• To confront in the way we prefer to be confronted.
• To share openly in the way we prefer to be communicated with.
• To listen in the way we liked to be listened to.
• To deal with difficult subjects in the way we prefer to have them brought up to us (though, to be fair, few of us really like to have these things brought up to us!)
• To empathize in the way we like to be seen and heard by others.
• To stop jumping to conclusions in the same manner that our good friends choose to believe the best about us.

Stopping to consider the profound implications of the Golden Rule not only affects the way we choose to interact with our adult kids, who are now our peers, but it also informs the way we process our pain with others. We can ask ourselves whether we would prefer our kids to talk about us with their friends in the same way we share about them with our friends. We forget that this world is small, and gossip and slander have a way of finding their way to our kids. Will our words cause regret later? Will they prevent reconciliation? While it’s necessary to process our pain with an eye toward closure and healing, we can shift into sin when we indulge in talking negatively about our adult kids, particularly if it becomes our default or our constant way of conversation.

Scripture is replete with verses about how we talk:

• “They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone” (Titus 3:2).
• “So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech” (1 Peter 2:1).
• “If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless” (James 1:26).

But perhaps the most poignant passage comes from the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:29-32. “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.  Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Not only are we to rid ourselves of bitterness, harsh words and slander, but God calls us to something higher. When you are tempted to lambast your adult child, consider the higher ethic God has called you to.

Ask yourself:

• Do my words reflect kindness?
• Am I tenderhearted in the way I portray my child? Am I jumping to conclusions without proof?
• Do my words reflect a heart that is actively pursuing forgiveness?
• How am I being like Christ in this situation?