Depression is a painful disorder. If you’ve never experienced it, count yourself blessed. But perhaps you haven’t experienced depression yourself, but you have a loved one who suffers with it. I’ve spent more than 30 years as a psychologist, helping people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and a myriad of other mental health disorders. In this post, I share 10 things to know if you have a depressed loved one.
Helping someone who is depressed
Most loved ones who have never experienced depression themselves, do not know how to how to help a depressed loved one. Do you know how to help? In this case, ignorance is anything but bliss. You might find this blog post helpful: How to Help a Depressed Loved One
Depression is much like cancer: you can’t see it yet it is very real and extremely painful; if you haven’t endured it, you don’t know what it feels like, and it not only effects the one going through it, but it also effects those who love the suffering.
Things to know if your loved one is depressed
Following are ten important things to know if you have a depressed loved one:
1. Depression is a medical condition – part of the reason that depression and other mental illnesses still carry a stigma is because of the misperception that depression is a choice. But I would encourage you to think of it the same way you think of other medical conditions such as allergies or epilepsy. No one chooses to suffer from depression any more than anyone would choose to have allergies or epilepsy.
2. Often, the depressed individual doesn’t know they are depressed – I’ve spent my entire career as a psychologist, helping people who suffer from depression, anxiety, and a myriad of other mental health disorders. Yet when I experienced post-partum depression, I didn’t realize that’s what it was. Part of the reason that the individual suffering from depression doesn’t realize they are suffering from depression is because it usually has a very slow, insidious onset. Additionally, many of the symptoms of depression (e.g. insomnia, hypersomnia, changes in appetite and weight), when taken in isolation can be attributed to other factors.
3. True depression, which is more than just a case of the blues, lasts weeks or months, and without appropriate treatment, sometimes years. I do not share this with you to discourage you, but so that you can have more appropriate expectations. Sometimes it can take weeks or months for a depressed individual to realize something is wrong, and frequently longer before they will seek help. This can prolong the illness.
4. Depression doesn’t present the same way for everyone. Part of what makes it difficult for the depressed individual or their family members to recognize the depression for what it is, is that not everyone with depression presents the same way. Some will cry much of the day, not eat, have little energy, and sleep all day. Others will not appear down but will appear irritable or agitated.
5. Depression often results from other medical conditions. Many medical conditions can often result in, or have a high co-occurrence rate with depression. For example, individuals with thyroid disorders, hormonal imbalances, and sleep disorders also frequently suffer from depression. Also, individuals who have suffered heart disease, stroke, head injury, and cancer often experience depression.
6. It’s important to get your loved one to a doctor if you think they may be depressed. Often, the depressed individual feels ashamed or guilty, and may be unlikely to seek help for themselves. But delaying a diagnosis also means delaying potentially life-saving treatment. Your loved one may not thank you in the moment, but they will thank you when they start feeling better.
7. Many depressed individuals still lead functional lives. Depression doesn’t always mean that the individual cries 24 hours a day and can’t get out of bed. Many who suffer still get up and go to work, but may have less energy and be less positive or more irritable in their demeanor.
8. When medication is used, it should be discontinued only under a doctor’s care. Often, when an individual with depression is helped by medication, they often desire to stop taking their medication because they are feeling better. Frequently, the reason they are feeling better is because the medication is doing what it was designed to do.
9. You cannot reliably predict when an individual with depression might attempt suicide. Many depressed individuals will discuss their thoughts of suicide if you ask, while others will not. Many who attempt suicide will never mention it to anyone beforehand. They often don’t want to be a burden on their loved ones. Many fear that by asking a loved one if they have or are considering suicide, will “put the idea in their head.” Believe me, you won’t be putting the idea in their mind, and being willing to discuss such a heavy topic may provide the very help they need.
10. Your depressed loved one needs to know they are still loved, valued, accepted, and not alone. While you may not be able to relate to depression, your depressed loved one needs to know that your opinion of him or her has not changed as a result of their condition. Above all, communicate your love and acceptance. Convey that there is hope!
When someone is struggling with depression
Depression is a painful, lonely disorder. Just like you don’t have to be personally acquainted to help someone who is going through cancer, you don’t have to be personally acquainted to help someone struggling with depression.
Will you be a lifeline for someone today?
Depression doesn’t have to become a permanent part of life.
There is hope.
Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression and the companion Hope Prevails Bible Study help the reader understand how depression comes to be, recover their joy, reclaim their peace, and re-establish their true identity, while knowing their worth, remembering their secure destiny, and being confident that nothing separates them from God’s love.
Hope Prevails and the Hope Prevails Bible Study are must-reads for anyone suffering from depression or knows someone suffering from depression.
“As a counselor, I have read many books on depression, but I have never read a book that deals with the spiritual aspect of healing as thoroughly as does Hope Prevails. Dr. Bengtson draws from her own personal journey as well as her professional experience. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has tasted the pain of depression or knows a friend who is depressed.” ~ Gary Chapman, Ph.D., Author of The 5 Love Languages
Very helpful! Thank you, Dr. Michelle.
I’m glad you found it helpful Securelyheld! It’s my hope that those who suffer as well as their family members will find the posts here helpful. Hope Prevails!
Helpful post about a very important topic! I’ll tuck this one away to refer to should the need arise. It’s always good to remember that we are ALL made in God’s image and that compassion goes a long way as we speak truth into the lives of those struggling. Thank you!
Oh Charity, what wise words you speak! YES! Compassion goes a long way towards speaking truth into the lives of those struggling. Jesus was the perfect example of that. I’m so glad you stopped by, and took the time to comment. I hope I’ll see you here again! Be blessed.
Very helpful. I really appreciated the comments about depression coming on slowly and lasting a long time before you even know you are affected.
Faydra, that’s very common for people to not realize what they are struggling with, which is why a consultation with a medical or mental health professional can be imperative. Often, our friends and family members pick up on changes in us before we do. Thanks for taking the time to stop by, and for commenting. I hope you’ll check back often for more valuable content.
This is extremely informative and I like how a psychologist is addressing what is a very real disease. I have depression/bipolar disorder/anxiety, and you do face a stigma from others in society. That stigma sucks. Posts like this are great because they add to more of the truth about the disease.
Oh Yes, Jen, it is very real. I’m truly sorry you have suffered with it. My hope is to tear down the stigma, one person, one blog post, one book at a time. I hope you’ll come back again.
Thank you for this info. I especially feel that we need to let our loved ones know how much we love them. I’ve been through feeling unloved and it really affects you mentally. I’m glad you shared these tips on how to be helpful to prevent this from happening.
I appreciate the way you laid out this important information in such a plain and simple way. It gives us all a little more understanding. Thank you for sharing at the #HomeMattersParty 🙂
~Lorelai
Life With Lorelai
Thanks for coming over to visit Lorelai! We all need help and guidance along the journey. It’s my desire to help others help their friends and loved ones through the difficult times!
Thank you for sharing insight into this overlooked subject. The ten signs you’ve posted provide insight for those who may have friends and/or family members that are dealing with this; yet unable to convey what’s REALLY going on.
Tabitha, I’m so glad you liked this post. Often we don’t have a label for what we are going through but it doesn’t make our situation any less real or any less painful. My hope is to help others help their friends and loved ones through difficult times. All any of us really want is to be loved, accepted, and not alone.
This is really amazing. i like “Depression is much like cancer: you can’t see it yet it is very real and extremely painful”. This is so true as even a depressed person wouldn’t know until it develops to something else.
God bless for this post.
Thanks Aji! Yes, unfortunately, depression is very real and extremely painful. So if I can help others help their friends and loved ones, maybe just maybe we can bring an end to the suffering it causes.
I think everyone needs to read this post – better yet, print it out and post it inside a kitchen cupboard. This is truth and so helpful. It helps to dispel so many myths. Thank you, Amy
Your words are so encouraging Amy! Thanks for coming by and for taking the time to comment!!
So true! And there have been enough myths to confuse a multitude of people and to keep them from obtaining effective medical treatment. Carole Castagna
Great post on the silent disease
I appreciate your kind words Joanne. Thanks for coming by! I hope to see you again sometime.
Very True, I was depressed and it was many years later that I realised that it was a depression that I had gone through. I’ll be sharing this with a friend whose sister is depressed. Thank you!
Davida, that blesses me so much that you’ll be sharing this in hopes of helping someone else!! That’s my ultimate goal – to provide help and hope to others so that perhaps they won’t have to suffer alone and misunderstood! Many thanks!
Thank you, Dr. Bengston, for posting on Christian blogs. How refreshing and uplifting to see your advise and encouragement! I am
a retired Christian psychiatric nurse clinician and have seen and heard so much negative and misleading information given to the youth and young adults. I was, myself a product of misinformation about treatment for depression -and waited until I was 53 years old to receive treatment for depression, which I suffered with since age 18. Even though I was a vital part of the Treatment Team for others, it is uncanny how a thought that is planted, early-on can keep you tangled in its web for years. Thank you for blessing so many people with your Christian love and medical expertise. Sincerely, Carol Castagna
Oh Carol, how my heart is saddened because your story is not uncommon. I know too well how hard it is both for mental health professionals as well as for ministry leaders to get the help we need, largely because of lies we’ve believed or shame that’s been inflicted. It has to stop, and if I can be one voice to help put an end to it, I will continue to provide help and hope one patient at a time, one blog post at a time, one book at a time (my book will be out by Revell next year about Depression from a spiritual perspective), one speaking engagement at a time until the stigma is broken and people are set free and receive His oil of joy for their spirit of despair. Thank you Dear Carol for your kind words of encouragement! I hope you’ll keep checking back often! Hugs!
I have heard you say many times about 2020 that depression would be #1 as far as illness and here we are at 2021 and I believe it is even worse this year. I know many who are just emotionally, mentally struggling with fear and anxiety due to the virus and world situation. It is perpetuated by media, etc. so this blog is so very timely and so very much appreciated. You are a great blessing to continue to keep this information before us. Thank you for sharing your heart, your testimony, your life and your HOPE with the world.
Michelle, this is such an important topic as so many are struggling. You have shared with such compassion and wisdom, You are blessing to so many. Thank you for sharing with transparency and experience. You are a blessing!